Went shopping yesterday-we got the mens shirts & trousers, but I cried when we got to the boxer shorts

[Floundering]

.....they are for my 17 year old DD.

My gorgeous sassy funny not so little girl has confided in me that she feels she is a boy trapped in a woman's body. Gender Dysphoria is our new buzz phrase.

Since she told me 10 days ago we've had doctors appointments for me & her, to arrange counselling, talked long and tearfully (both of us) and gone shopping. She wants to cut off her beautiful glossy mane, bind her chest and eventually start hormones. Luckily she favour the baggy shirts & jeans look so no vast difference yet.

I can't bear it.

I'm in a fog, wanting to support her but also wanting to shake some sense into her.

(BTW not bothered about me, but have NC for this I did post a one off post on another thread the night it all happened but forgot to NC & got it pulled so if you saw that please don't out me for her sake. )

Since puberty she has had massive gynae issues, multiple A&E visits and admissions for various operations. Part of me wonders whether she has had such a shit time as a female that subconsciously she feels being male would be easier. But then I wonder if I'm in denial as I can't get my head round it. She says she is sure.

I have been researching transkids and it seems if they get to late teens and are sure then they rarely change back.

I am in so much pain at the thought of what she wants to do & the fact that the poor love is so mentally unhappy she is prepared to do it.

Not sure why I'm posting except I need to find someone who can share their experiences as the mum of a trans kid. I know the technical side of things, I worked on some of the first sex change ops back in the day and that makes things worse in a way.(although I know things have refined since then & yes its waaay down the line)

I'll stop now I'm waffling but please dear nest of vipers if you have any crumb of comfort bung it my way. This will be a long haul whichever way it goes.

Can't find the MN guidebook for this one

Hand hold. I can relate very much. Can't say why really, am not name changing, but these issues have been on my mind. Feel free to pm.

(You might be surprised at how much your dd is aleady aware of bigotry, and also who are her real friends.)

You're very welcome, my love.
You sound like an amazing mother and no doubt you'll be able to help your transitioning daughter through a very emotionally time.
You'll both be brilliant and I look forward to answering your questions :)
Good luck x

Last night we had our first joint counselling session. It went ok, nice counsellor, more booked for coming weeks. Some for DD alone,some for us togethr & some for me.

It was hard hearing DDs pain as she poured out her feelings she is in such a bad place.

She has asked to be referred to by her new boys name at home & in sessions which the councillor was keen to support, all her records will be in his new name now
. Its starting. All feels so fast, but its what she needs to do, just feels, she is slipping away from me & I don't feel ready yet .

Yes, that does seem to be happening fast from a parent's point of view.

She/he is still the same person, it is the part of her/him that they have pretended to be which is slipping away and the part of them they have been hiding which you have the chance to get to know. She/he needs the chance to feel accepted as male and have a place to be himself and see what that is like. I can imagine that if he doesn't feel you are comfortable with it, it could be frustrating and he could feel rejected and also that his real home lies elsewhere. The more you are on board with accepting him as male, the more he can get a true sense of whether this is right for him. I doubt it would have come this far if it were just a matter of feeling a bit androgynous or wanting to wear boys' clothes or have a boy's name. I really do feel for you, OP, it must be very hard. You have done nothing wrong, it isn't a morality issue. You've done the right thing to get help and find therapy.

I have no problem with the morality of it, I don't feel guilty or judgemental, just sad, desperately sad.

Also very worried that she is seriously depressed after her long illness, and thinking herself into a corner. She has only had these feelings for about a year ( about the time she was at the depths of her gynae problems & they couldn't find a diagnosis) unlike some children who have had issues for years even if they don't initially recognise them, so its testament to her that she has spoken out about her feelings now not after they have festered for years & caused huge psychological problems.

I just want her to be in a bit of a better place before she finally embarks on this journey, if she chooses to do so, I am not entirely convinced she is in a good place to think straight just now. I'm hoping the counselling and impartial support she gets, will give her the confidence to accept whichever path she chooses with a more positive and patient frame of mind. She wants it all now with the typical impatience of a 17 year old, but would that make her happy?

I have gone shopping with her for male clothes, we're starting to use her new name,at home and she is having her hair cut off next week- (& it is barely 3 weeks since the shit hit the fan !) I hardly think she is feeling rejected, or me uncomfortable, she knows I love her and will support her, we have talked endlessly and will do continue to do so.

Someone up thread said she will be fine, I hope she will be, me, I'm not so sure, that's why I'm venting here. I'm aware its all about her not me, but I need this space to talk rubbish & be unreasonable to present a calm supportive face for her.

I've been moved to tears by this thread. I wish you all the very best, your daughter will get through it and be fine with your support.

herald thank you-sorry to make you cry!

Tears at how inspired I am by the love and tolerance!

Ah yes me too! Much needed & appreciated as well.

It's been a tough week, I am knackered & I think I am going to do something I've not done for years & throw a sicky tomorrow, I need a duvet day & DD is at her Dads for a long w/e so its just me & the dog. I have loads to do around the house so I intend to have a lazy morning & then pootle around being productive but at a steady pace.
I was half watching a re-run earlier while doing my cleaning, that had a wedding scene in it, and crumbled thinking I'll never see her as a bride.

Silly really as she's not a meringue & veil type, but she has always said she'd like her Dad to give her away at our local church, & walk there from her childhood home .She still can but it won't be on her fathers arm.

Stupid little things like this are hitting me like a physical jab. Milestones that will not be or not as expected. Need to get a grip.

Floundering; your thread has made me cry too..and I'm usually a tough old bird

You are coping amazingly, staggeringly well to have taken on so much in such a short space of time .. no way do you need to get a grip... it's a massive massive thing to process, let alone be supporting mum at the same time. Be gentle on yourself please.

Is your DD likely to go to university? If she does, there will be a LGBT group there and they are generally an amazing safe place for all. My DD came out as gay at the end of her first year.. nothing like as traumatising as the cross gendering, but she was a very unhappy girl before she came out, a depressed terrified anorexic.. and finally allowing herself to be who she is, was the switch that finally allowed her to heal mentally, and for her anorexia to be beaten. She is surrounded by LGBT friends who are without exception, a lovely group.. and frankly, no one really cares about their sexuality there.,.they just get on with being themselves. If not off to uni.. seeking out a local LGBT group might be great..there will be one somewhere!

Your daughter is very lucky to have you,and it's obvious she knows that :)
We are a very easy going family and when DD1 came out no one really blinked an eye, but I know what you mean about the wedding stuff.. it's not the white dress and frills, it's like you have assumed you are following signposts in life, and suddenly it's all pointing in a different direction!

I have moments when I worry..how will DD's career be affected (she's going to be a doctor soon.. stupid stuff like.. will people sneer when she takes a girlfriend to a formal event.. will she come across prejudice? Then I give myself a shake and think...actually she will deal with it. Your daughter is very strong to be making such a decision.. and it will be such a long process, that anything may happen along the way.. but with you behind her she will be ok..and so will you.

Massive hugs to you both. I no I don't care if that's not MN's way

You've had a massive shock, but you're a brilliant mum for being there for her.

I think you need counselling on your own to come to terms with everything you are going through.

medusa thank you for getting it, that's started me off again & I'm usually a tough old bird too.

I think because I do usually cope with most things, this has thrown me badly, or rather my emotional response to it has. As a mum seeing my DD going through such anguish & not being able to "fix it" , as you feel you ought to be able to with love, cuddles & practicalities is painful in itself. Then the prospect of all that might follow, the reactions of people, family, dreading her telling her father( he still hasn't forgiven me for leaving him nearly 8 years ago.)

Obviously I'm second guessing as you did & yes she will have to be strong & deal with it. Too much whizzing round in my brain I suppose.

Thanks for the un-MN hugs I think its allowed in stressful situations & even if not us tough old birds still need them on occasion

Celia thanks & yes I agree, our family counselling will give me a few sessions on my own later on but I think I will ask if I can pay for supplementary ones sooner.

Floundering I think you're an amazing mum. Delurking to post a link to this lovely video I just saw - different circumstances but quite inspirational and lovely. I wish you and your DD/DS all the best

Thanks BA have been sent that by several people,
(possibly you in another guise? )

It is a lovely story and if DD was so sure from such an early age in a way it would be easier, no doubting it was the way to go.

Still painful and upsetting but I would feel easier in my own mind if I was sure this was the answer for her. The thing that struck me was the statement that most TG kids know from age 5 (was it?) she didn't start to feel like this until relatively recently while she was very ill.

I'm open to the suggestion I might be in denial & looking for excuses but I'm really not sure although obviously I can't say that to DD as she is so sure in herself.

I totally agree with you and thought that was very interesting. I think very sensible to delay committing to anything while she works through it - but no reason she can't live as a boy in the meantime. Is her name easily 'convertible'?

Ps no other guises here

Exactly BA , she can start experimenting with clothes & hair without too much comment being passed, as she is usually in jeans & shirts anyway. We can start getting used to her new name,which is very different but one that is not associated with anyone on either side of the family. We will try & use it at home & in counselling sessions only at first to get her & us used to the idea.. Sadly it is not Jo(e), Alex,or Nick which would be androgenous but it sits well with her surname & we like it. We shall see how it goes.

My mum who she had a good relationship with is here for a brief visit & we have had a good chat (DD is at her dads for the w/e) & as I hoped she is very calm & supportive about it all.

Sorry about the guise thing- I have friends on here who NC regularly & just wondered!!!

Well what a difference a week makes. (well almost a week) .

The counselling sessions are going well, DD feels supported by them and is building a good relationship with the counsellor so that's great.

I like her too & trust her which is important to me.

I feel a huge mind shift now, having seen the change in DD now she feels she is being listened to and things are starting to move slowly forward. It has made me feel she is heading on the right track for her and that is Ok by me even if I still feel winded!

One of the things that came up in counselling was how much she wanted to present to her new college classmates as her new persona. I feel it is all too quick but as the counsellor pointed out ( after discussing it with DD) it actually gives her greater privacy as there is no big reveal halfway through her course, she can be introduced as X & take it from there. We will have a meeting with her HOY at some point before formal registration takes place to see what they can do to facilitate the change, within their statutory obligations. There is a full time counsellor on site so we will ask for a meeting with her/them to see what they can offer, so she has a safe place to go to if any nastiness arises or she has a wobble.

I can see her point, but it does mean after she gets back from holiday with her Dad at the end of July, she has her CAMHS assessement then we only have August to tell Ex & the wider family, and come out fully to the world.

We will have to plan carefully so she feels Ok to move forward, something for her to plan with the counsellor.

Taking things one day at a time, baby steps,etc etc, breath breath

(She has her haircut planned for Weds, that might be difficult for me, in as much it is the first physical sign of change, I will have to leave her to it & go shopping I think.)

It's great that you can support your child going through this - I hope I would be able to, but it must be a massive undertaking.

One thing I notice is that you still use female pronouns. I hope this doesn't come across as judgemental because I'm absolutely not, but I was wondering has the subject arisen for when you should start referring to your child as a son? It's curiosity on my part, I apologise if you think I'm being nosy.

I would strongly recommend looking at www.tvox.org which is comprehensive site for trans people and friends and families of trans people.

Floundering, you are awesome. I am so glad things are going well

I think there are many transpeople who wish they had parents like you, Floundering.

Celia No apology needed-yes it is something I am battling with, it feels so alien but I must start doing it all the time. I have started using he/newname at home (when I remember!) with her sister but I guess in here its my last place I can really be myself and relaxed-its such a mindshift to refer to her as a boy, I feel I am denying the last 17 years really.

Geek thanks for the link, I will look at it, I have joined the parents forum of Mermaids & they are all lovely & supportive, several of us have F to M older teens.

BA &Geek I don't feel I'm doing well at all, the alternative is if I refuse to acknowledge or deal with this I will lose my beloved child, so even though I really don't want it to happen & instinctively want to resist every step of the way I have to slap on a supportive smile and go with it.

I'm now dreading the Big Reveal in August, telling everyone. Another step in the putting aside of my daughter and accepting I'll have a son.

But you know what? After hearing the amazing stories yesterday of the bravery of the men & women on D-Day, I think I can cope with a few arsey bigots and well meaning but thoughtless comments.

But you are doing it - finding it difficult does not mean you're not doing well, not at all. Of course this is unbelievably hard - I think it would be for anyone. It is testament to you that you are supporting your child and will still love them no matter what. I am sure there are parents who would effectively disown their kids for less than this.

BA Yes I'm sure there are those who are disowned & that is terribly sad.

Had an interesting chat with our GP today, she didn't break any confidences but feels the CAMHS assessment will be interesting and is glad to see DD was brighter on her last check up.

I think she too thinks she is confused, but I don't know what to think. She had her hair cut off today & proudly posted the pigtails off to the Cancer Charity to go towards a child's wig.

Her new shorter haircut is actually very flattering & feminine but she was delighted with it as it will be easier to manage for holiday when she needs to wash & go. Interesting seeing her reactions when complimented on it by various people.

I think I need to stop analysing her & just go with the flow!