Went shopping yesterday-we got the mens shirts & trousers, but I cried when we got to the boxer shorts

[Floundering]

.....they are for my 17 year old DD.

My gorgeous sassy funny not so little girl has confided in me that she feels she is a boy trapped in a woman's body. Gender Dysphoria is our new buzz phrase.

Since she told me 10 days ago we've had doctors appointments for me & her, to arrange counselling, talked long and tearfully (both of us) and gone shopping. She wants to cut off her beautiful glossy mane, bind her chest and eventually start hormones. Luckily she favour the baggy shirts & jeans look so no vast difference yet.

I can't bear it.

I'm in a fog, wanting to support her but also wanting to shake some sense into her.

(BTW not bothered about me, but have NC for this I did post a one off post on another thread the night it all happened but forgot to NC & got it pulled so if you saw that please don't out me for her sake. )

Since puberty she has had massive gynae issues, multiple A&E visits and admissions for various operations. Part of me wonders whether she has had such a shit time as a female that subconsciously she feels being male would be easier. But then I wonder if I'm in denial as I can't get my head round it. She says she is sure.

I have been researching transkids and it seems if they get to late teens and are sure then they rarely change back.

I am in so much pain at the thought of what she wants to do & the fact that the poor love is so mentally unhappy she is prepared to do it.

Not sure why I'm posting except I need to find someone who can share their experiences as the mum of a trans kid. I know the technical side of things, I worked on some of the first sex change ops back in the day and that makes things worse in a way.(although I know things have refined since then & yes its waaay down the line)

I'll stop now I'm waffling but please dear nest of vipers if you have any crumb of comfort bung it my way. This will be a long haul whichever way it goes.

Can't find the MN guidebook for this one

Good luck for move floundering and hope DS's first full week goes well x

Hi Floundering have you moved? How is everything

Hi Killash

Only just got online again at new house.

Scary how much we rely on t'internet isn't it?

Still in chaos but all OK & feels good.

DS is loving college, enjoying getting his brain working again. Starting to make friends and generally being a teen.

An old ma on the bus called him "sonny" today , made his day!! He's had a really short haircut which makes him look great, really boyish & trendy.

Only fly in the ointment is his father & grandma are refusing to use his newname, which I could forgive from an elderly woman but not his dad. I know he's still struggling with it all, but he can't / won't see that using the name more often actually makes it easier!

Hey floundering, great to hear DS is enjoying college, hope all is still going well?

We moved earlier this year and is forgotten what a nightmare it is. We had a baby two weeks later so I'm only now starting to sort drawers/ start to get things organised.

Have ExH or his mother come round at all? It's difficult if I imagine my grandmother trying to process it, if I'd said to her I wanted to be a boy, I don't think she would ever have been able to get used to it. Is DS prepared that she might never come round?

I think whatever your ExH feels he really does need to start speaking to DS. Has he discussed it any further?

How're you feeling after the move? Must be exhausting so much upheaval. X

Hi Killash

Yes sorting out going slowly, getting fed up with it now, no time to sort during the week & weekends seem to fly past. Times like this being a single parent is a bummer as there are things I need a hand with shifting, DS helps where he can but he is at his Dads this w/e so I am going to call up some friends for shifting duties. We'll get there.

Sadly things are not moving on at exes house, he still refers to his child as Her & Oldname & I can see it is getting to be an issue. In emails he still uses them & I annoy him (tough) by using he & newname. I just wish he would try a bit.

I can't really intervene much as I would like to smack Ex for his lack of compassion, as it's a battle DS must fight and sort out.

He has accepted reluctantly that his Grandmother may never come round but again it is putting a distance between them which is a shame. I do go and see her occasionally for a cuppa so I might pop in and just explain it all a bit more to her as ex won't have done.

The other people we have told are some good friends who are DD's godparents and have known them both since birth. Both are gobsmacked but He has said DS is always welcome in their house, their 2 DC who we are all close to have been fab, She is being very tightlipped and obviously disapproving but trying to understand. I have to say I'm a little disappointed in her, but everyone reacts differently don't they.

DS continues to thrive at college, and has been delighted with the effects of his chest binders, which has increased his confidence no end. He is in the process of getting his deed poll sorted so his Newname is official, and he can get a new passport, change all his documents etc.

Another step forward.

Yes I am exhausted, I think its all just hitting me now, time to give me some attention, having some blood tests at the GP;s this week as on top of it all I have been having problems with menopause issues. Just want to sleep for a week!!

Hello all,
Just thought I'd check in as it's almost a month since my last post. Things came to a head with DS's father in that I broke my usual don't engage, keep comms to a minimum rule & told ex frankly that while I knew it was a horrendously difficult situation to get to grips with, he would lose his child if he didn't get his head out of the sand & acknowledged the huge brave step DS has taken & is coping with. Naturally he resented me "sticking my nose in" as he always does when I speak up for the kids, but this time I didn't care -DS had sobbed in my arms the previous night that he didn't think his Dad would ever accept him, and how it made him feel as though he was slapping him down every time he used Oldname & she.

A full & frank discussion ensued then he delivered a few nasty blows which I ignored & refused to engage with & lo & behold suddenly started using DS Newname & he, much to DS delight.

Things are much happier there now & his Dad is getting used to it & DS has met the new GF who seems lovely & uses Newname & he unflinchingly (never having met DS in the previous form) so I think he will have an ally there which is reassuring.

The next Good Thing to happen is that the Deed Poll certificates are now here & he's in the process of changing all his records which is giving him a boost of confidence. I thought that might upset me but it hasn't just happy that all these steps are so positive while we wait for his gender clinic appt to come through.

I even referred to him as "my son" the other day without thinking & DS face was a picture.

Awww thanks Fluffling having a bad patch at the moment, hard keeping DS spirits up while waiting for the referral to come through. Combined with my various health issues its all hard work at the moment & no sign of an end but I keep telling myself there will be! Roll on Christmas when I can flop for a few weeks.

Ha!!! Sorry to confuse any lurkers.

Went to MissMarples last night & used her lappy as mine was playing up...teach me to start drinking so early, I forgot to log in as me, don't want to get reported !!

I'll second that BloomingFlounder

I pop in every now and then to read how you're getting on, it's a fantastic story.

I know these are only early steps on your DS's journey and I'd like to wish both of you the very best for the future.

One day it will be a book (remember to tell DS that so when he's got a quiet cpl of years he can write it!)

snigger

He'sNot DS & were quoting your very name earlier, as we love the film, & it was amusing talking to him about how much controversy LOB caused when it came out, especially in the Bible Belt of the US. It's refreshing to see how (some of) the younger generation are far more "meh" about things now including sexuality.

Without exception all our younger relatives have accepted his change with a general "so what as long as he's happy" with the main questions being practical ones & a desire not to upset DS by getting his name & gender"wrong". Equally he is being very sweet in ensuring they are not upset by it all & arranging to get to see them asap or if not writing to them & assuring them he is still their loving cousin/friend & chatting to them as he always did.

It does give me hope for the future, although I know from threads on here that it is not always as positive.

Hello all.

Just checking in as it's been a while. We've all been struggling a bit since I last posted. DD has had a set back with her depression and I have been trying to support her, DS has had a "wobbly" with his self confidence, not helped by the fact that our lovely counsellor has been off sick so we had to go 6 weeks without our usual debrief that usually keeps us on track. When we did get to see her we were both in bits.

I am battling my own demons & trying to support he kids with theirs (what a family eh?) and,pathetic as it may seem, this thread and our counsellors wise words are my only sounding board.

I have friends & family but it's so hard to talk to them about how badly I am coping, as I always manage to put one foot in front of the other so they think I'm OK but I'm a hairs breadth from going under. So tired rather than depresssed AD;s are helping a bit.

I just want to give all the worry and responsibility to someone else & sleep for a week, but I can't.

I have had my blood test results back and they are all normal, my GP say its not surprising I feel like this with all i have been through this year & I just have to take it easy & not be so hard on myself & have more me time. I know she is right but how can I do that when I am the sole bread winner & only person keeping us all together?

I have 2 weeks off over Christmas which I am SO looking forward to so at least the daily grind will be one less thing to deal with & some of that time the kids are with their Dad so I will have time to rest & potter around doing Christmassy stuff. If I still feel crap after that Gp will do more in depth blood tests.

Oh how whingy I sound......just want to be OK again & not sure how to do that.

It does you good to have a moan now and again Floundering, especially after the year that you have had. Don't forget that you need support through all this as well, even if it is just blowing off steam and frustrations on here where you know that people are thinking of you and wishing all your family well.
Just remember that, even when you are having a wobble, you are doing the right thing - I remember one mother of a transgender girl once saying:-
" I would prefer to go through all this angst and have a happy teenage daughter than a dead son"
............. but you are coping admirably well, far better than many other parents who often reject their child because of this situation. Take pride in how you have coped and continue to love and support your son in this situation. I have tremendous admiration for all parents who support and nurture their child through this, you all deserve very special medals.
Thank you

" I would prefer to go through all this angst and have a happy teenage daughter than a dead son"

THIS is what helps me cope with it all. thanks for reminding me Trans

Thanks for your kind words.

I just wanted to post to say that I admire you for all that you have done. You sound so much like my own mother, who may not completely understand the way I feel, but accepts me for who I am regardless. Strength to you and your family - especially DS.

Thanks depeche -same to you & yours for 2015

Floundering, you are doing the best you can with a huge amount to juggle. Every best wish to you ... Things will ease in time as everybody's relationships settle into a new pattern.

The Samaritans are really fantastic for those moments when you just need a bit of time to talk and process things without being alone. Do give them a call if that would help.

Hi Floundering - remember me ? The other Carol !
Been thinking of you & struggled to find this thread again.
Maybe you got my PM back in september ? I knew you were moving, so didnt expect to hear from you for a while...
Anyway, finally found this thread again & just wanted to wish you all the best & to say you're doing really well. I hope you are managing to get in the rest you need over these holidays .
Sounds as though things are all moving in the right direction. Well done! Just try & get yourself as much rest & me time as possible.
I understand entirely as, as you know, i'm in a very similar situation. In fact i have emotional grief all around me at the moment:

• lost a daughter, gained a son
• nearly lost a DH, still on tender hooks
• lost a home, now renting small flat
• lost my father in October
• hopefully wont lose mum, who i visited recently after dad's funeral
• doing my best not to lose my health

So its been a very difficult year & might explain why i havent been in contact. The positive side is that DS is doing well at school, applying to uni at moment & got lots of friends, trans & cis. The big negative is that DH still calls him by his birthname, so we've decided to let it ride while DS finishes his Bac. Dont want to rock the boat at the moment. DS spent all his xmas money on buying a packer online. He saw his GIC psy, who needs more convincing before going ahead with Hormone therapy & top surgery. He has a local trans friend who is taking a gap year, put his education on hold, to earn money & is paying privately to have top surgery by the famous surgeon in New York in Feb. DS will be patiently waiting to go thru uk GIC system if he gets a uk uni place this autumn. I think the sooner he advances on this journey the better he will feel. Although generally doing well, he Unfortunately, has been having bad panic attacks which are very worrying- had him checked out by hospital & nothing can be done, just grin & bear them ... they should dissipate when he feels more confident about his future, i hope & pray .... Anyway, glad i found you again! This is just from one mum with Trans teenager to another, sending big hugs to keep up the good work and wishing for a less stressful 2015 for both of us. Wishing you a happy & healthy new year , carol

you have got to be one of the most supportive moms out there and i definitely applaud you - your dd is very fortunate to have your support, you are definitely doing right by her - from what you have written i can see that you and your daughter have a strong relationship and that she really respects you (and that is why she wants you with her every step of the way) hugs to you and your family - i really find your strength inspiring

One question, Floundering : my trans son has his deed poll with new name too; is your DS applying for a GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) ? Isnt this necessary before renewing his passport ? so that he will have not only his new name on passport but also M instead of F (gender identity) ??
Thanks for reply, when you get round to it...
Again, happy & healthy New Year !
Carol

Floundering I found you! Happy new year hope all is well. Going to catch up on thread now xx

Just read through, so sorry you've been having a tough time but you are doing amazingly.

Well done for confronting ExH it must make such a difference to DS for him to be using his name.

I hope you've had a good Christmas and New Year and think you need to spend 2015 being kind to yourself (when you're not being a fierce mother tiger protecting your children!)

How is DD? It must be hard for her and with the attention on DS she may find herself struggling with emotions. Is she seeing someone to talk things through?

I wonder if the recent news story about the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wanting to be known as John will help people (especially your DS and DDs generation) understand DS more. Does it help DS having it in the media?
Sorry I went AWOL RL getting in the way, but have been thinking about you often. Kills x

Hi all Happy New Year.!'

Had a lovely chilled Christmas, DS said best one in a long time which is good to hear!

Carol- of course I remember you! sorry not to be in touch been a bit manic in the run up to Christmas, will pm you. Will answer this though for anyone lurking for info.

Regarding the deed poll DS has got his & is now officially new name. Just plodding through changing bank accounts etc. Next step is passport & driving licence . If I remember rightly, yes you can change name on passport but still have to be birth gender bizzarely until you get the GRC . We've been told you can't get that till you've had the specialist referral & been living as new persona for 2 years. We shall see.

Good news is I chased up the referral & DS is very near top of waiting list so should get a date soon. Wouldbe nice if that was for his 18th next month, even if the actual appointment is ages away just knowing he is in would be such a boost.

stressed thanks for the kind words.

kills Hello thanks for checking in ! Yes we've been following John Pitt Jolie's story, having such a high profile trans kid . & supportive family has, got to be such a great role model & good for them for supporting him so publicly.

DD has been struggling, she is back at Uni & has good support there, great GP & weekly counselling. So difficult being so far away but she is dealing with it her own way so tiger mama has to sit on her hands to a certain extent.!!

Yes 2015 will be a time to try & look after me a bit more, I'm actually contemplating a holiday on my own for the first time in over 20 years!! Eeek!

Hi again Floundering,
Retaining the gender marker on your son's passport stopped a few years back apparently, and he should now have the correct gender marker on it when it replaces his old one.

I thought you might like to see this guide:-
www.nlmscontent.nesc.nhs.uk/sabp/gv/
which is a 3 module resource for raising awarenes about gender non-conforming people - which might help if you were able to get you ex to actually go through the modules.

Take care

Carol

Sounds like you are doing so well Floundering. How is DS getting on at college? Has he had any more questions or has he just been accepted as male?
I hope DD is ok must be hard not being able to do much.

Where are you going on holiday? One-off my favourite things is starting from scratch and working out where in the world to go.
Hope all is well and January is treating you kindly x