Went shopping yesterday-we got the mens shirts & trousers, but I cried when we got to the boxer shorts

[Floundering]

.....they are for my 17 year old DD.

My gorgeous sassy funny not so little girl has confided in me that she feels she is a boy trapped in a woman's body. Gender Dysphoria is our new buzz phrase.

Since she told me 10 days ago we've had doctors appointments for me & her, to arrange counselling, talked long and tearfully (both of us) and gone shopping. She wants to cut off her beautiful glossy mane, bind her chest and eventually start hormones. Luckily she favour the baggy shirts & jeans look so no vast difference yet.

I can't bear it.

I'm in a fog, wanting to support her but also wanting to shake some sense into her.

(BTW not bothered about me, but have NC for this I did post a one off post on another thread the night it all happened but forgot to NC & got it pulled so if you saw that please don't out me for her sake. )

Since puberty she has had massive gynae issues, multiple A&E visits and admissions for various operations. Part of me wonders whether she has had such a shit time as a female that subconsciously she feels being male would be easier. But then I wonder if I'm in denial as I can't get my head round it. She says she is sure.

I have been researching transkids and it seems if they get to late teens and are sure then they rarely change back.

I am in so much pain at the thought of what she wants to do & the fact that the poor love is so mentally unhappy she is prepared to do it.

Not sure why I'm posting except I need to find someone who can share their experiences as the mum of a trans kid. I know the technical side of things, I worked on some of the first sex change ops back in the day and that makes things worse in a way.(although I know things have refined since then & yes its waaay down the line)

I'll stop now I'm waffling but please dear nest of vipers if you have any crumb of comfort bung it my way. This will be a long haul whichever way it goes.

Can't find the MN guidebook for this one

gratefully slurped thanks.

Feeling better thanks, had a productive but relaxing day, lots of time with the DC's, dog walks, a few boxes packed.

DS told her best friend who was lovely & insisted she would take DS shopping & style his hair when they next went out as
" your sense of style is crap & I won't let you look a mess"

She is fab & totally gets DS, she will be a great support. it makes me feel so much better knowing she is there for him.

We are all watching Dr Who on the sofa (cushions at the ready) just like we used to when they were small!

No plan for the w/e but lots of chilling in between packing up & sorting.

Only just seen this thread. My friend's DS is transitioning to female so I recognised aspects from your thread- as you say it's a grieving process, I think as much for what you expected their life to be as who they are/were. You probably expected to have GCs and help your daughter pick out a wedding dress and now those are going to be very different. It's OK to take time to readjust and there will be wonderful things ahead.

Your DS sounds very mature and he will be fine. Glad it went well with his Dad.

Well another wobble overcome.

Our GP & practice manager were told by the funding bods that we had to get DS referred to the Tavistock Clinic in London or Leeds as he is under 18 & that's where they see children . The fact that DS is 17.6 & there is a 6 month waiting list (minimum) has bypassed the fucking bean counters.

Our regional Gender Identity Clinic is not that far from us & I had already spoken to them & they said all they need as a referral is a GP letter & they take from 17 because of this crossover age group. I just couldn't understand the logic of wasting time on the wrong waiting list only to be told in 6 months "oh look he's top of the list but this is the wrong place as he's not a child any more"

ANYHOO I banged on about this to the GP who said she'd check on the referral wait times.

Got a phone call from the practice manager who has been very helpful, and said, basically they'd been given the wrong information & yes I was right (no shit sherlock do you think I haven't read every piece of info I could on this?!) & that the referral will go ahead to our local place.

HALLEBLOODYLUJAH!!

Also had a chat with college they are being brilliant. Going to have a chat next week prior to induction & her personal tutor is changing all the paperwork from birthname to newname so when DS registers it will be in the new persona. A huge step. I'm so proud of him.

Well done Floundering that's brilliant.i fear you may have more battles ahead but DS is lucky to have you there. I can't imagine what happens to other children that don't have such support.
Have you heard anything more from ExH? Hope your week has gone well, have you moved yet? X

I can tell you what happens to some of them KillashandraRee - they are disowned by their families, kicked out from their homes and live on the streets. Many are forced into sex work as underage children as a means of surviving - and are taken over by pimps who seek to exploit them.
Some parents have tried to "knock it out of them" by physical violence and there are a few substantiated reports where children have actually been killed by their parents because of this.
Because of discrimination and the inability to keep a job when an employer discovers their birth gender, some will fall into crime and become institutionalised.
Others will manage to get accommodation, but will suffer from severe depression which results in self-harm, suicide attempts, lack of education, lack of healthcare and will forever exist on the fringes of our society.
Others will force themselves into reverting back to living a lie as they will suffer discrimination by employers and cannot find work - and this will take its toll because of acute depression which will often be accompanied by suicide attempts.
Love your children for who they are and not who you want them to be, Floundering's son is one of the lucky ones in that he has loving and supportive parents and will end up by having a good and fulfilling life.

Trans it breaks my heart to think of it- this is why I feel so strongly I have to be there for my child, I couldn't bear to think of him going down that unhappy route if I rejected him.

Killash no more from ex, he has completely withdrawn from discussion about it. Trying to be understanding & patient but he has to realise that DS can't wait for Dad to get his head round it before he comes out fully.

He starts college next week & I am terrified of someone recognising & outing him in public before his Grandma knows & it getting back to her from some gossip . ExMIL- I am still very fond of her & ex is adamant she is not to be told yet but I don't really think its up to him. DS is happy to do it.

Hi Floundering glad to hear things are moving forward, well done for pushing for the right referral. Good luck to DS starting college this week - my DD starts in reception tomorrow . Try not to worry about Grandma - it is beyond your control really as either your DS or Ex need to tell her - and I agree with you Ex is unfair to prevent DS telling her.

You are great

I've been following this thread, so glad to hear things are going well. I know Noah in real life and suggested he post here. His op went well btw. Best of luck to you and your ds (and the other kids/families transitioning).

BA awww reception, a Big Step forward, I found some pictures of DS starting reception while I was clearing out my box of random photos I never got around to sorting the other day. SO cute & cheeky, where does it go?!!

You are right I need to step back from Exes side of the family & let him & DS sort it out.

Dwerf Thanks for the update on Noah that's good to hear, send him my best when you next see him.

DS has gone off to tell Granny & is terrified of her reaction. She is the last close family member to tell & lord know how she'll take it. I just gave him a hug & pushed him out, he knows it needs doing, his sister is going with him.

ExH has gone into complete denial about it all, refusing to talk to me about it, not wanting to go to see his own mother with DS to support him. Poor chap is like a deer in the headlights & doing nothing is his default setting when confronted with anything he doesn't understand/ want to consider. All we can do is give him time.

DS meanwhile has enrolled at college in his new persona they have been wonderfully supportive & he is officially Newname on his SU card which he is SO chuffed with. We need to get a Deed Poll sorted out so his exam certs & other official documents can be in the Newname from now on. He is looking forward to induction days next week then starting college proper.

I am so proud of him I could burst!

Once Granny knows we are going to tell everyone else we know (with DS consent) in a round robin email so everyone knows at the same time & at least the gossip will be based on fact not rumour, conjecture & half truths. Not ideal but that way no one knows before anyone else. We wanted to give his Dad more chance to get his head round it all but it's getting harder & harder to keep up the double lie

DD & myself have got quite good at using Newname & He, to the point it now feels wrong using Oldname / She & pretending to our friends that Oldname is in good health, looking forward to college etc is becoming a strain.

I can now talk about it more positively & without crying! I am feeling a lot calmer about it all so hopefully our fresh start will help that.

Now I just need to sell the bloody house (another story) !

You sound like an amazing Mother.

Floudering, you are inspirational.

You have probably already researched it Floundering but I have some information on my web site about deed polls/statutory declarations at:-
www.transfigurations.co.uk/pages/transition-3.html

tired & Lasting Just a mother trying to get her child on a happier path, it's not easy & it ain't over yet but it's a start.

DS didn't get to say his piece to Granny today...he said she didn't draw breath long enough to change the subject!! He'll try again tomorrow.

Trans thank you for that link - we have been looking at 2 of the online services you mention, and will let you know how DS gets on with it.

I need a high five emoticon Floundering that's all great news

Thanks BA

< looks embarrassed>

He has told his Granny today, last big hurdle, she took it OK.
Said she appreciated him telling her, (after exclaiming "glory be to god" ) although she felt it wasn't a good idea but it was his body,

" just don't come knocking on my door with a shirt & tie on"

Overall, as expected with Granny!!!

Oh Floundering well done DS!

Hope his first day at college goes well you must be nervous for him. Are you planning anything special afterwards or going to keep it low key?

Hope you're doing ok and taking time for yourself. Have you had any more counselling? Xxxx

Hi Killash

well he went off today looking very masculine in men's jeans & standard teen garb of oversize check shirt over tee shirt, dropped him at the bus stop in the town we will be moving to shortly ( he will walk from home then )

Both feeling very nervous but also excited to be restarting sixth form & hopefully making new friends and getting a social life again.

So proud of how far he has come & seeing how much happier he is it reinforces how this path is the right thing for him however hard.

He will come & see me when he gets back tonight but Weds he is at his dads, hope he can talk to ex about his day & share the excitement.

I had another counselling session last night which went well and will have ad hoc ones as I can / need. DS will have them regularly to keep up support while waiting for his referral to come through but at greater intervals to spread out our funding.

I'll let you know how he gets on, he has 2 days today & tom as orinetation days then the whole college is back on Friday to have a settling in day before starting in earnest on Monday.

Oh floundering (((hugs))) it must be so confusing all the different emotions.

Hope ExH manages to be supportive tonight x

Thanks Killash hugs always welcome !

Actually I wasn't too bad yesterday, just nervous for him on his first day but it went well which makes it easier for me.

He coped with 2 challenges very well, first was when he saw an old classmate from his girls school & he quickly pulled her aside & confided in her and asked her not to out him, she was kind & hardly batted an eyelid when he explained.

The other was when a boy tactlessly but not unkindly asked outright if he was a boy or a girl, DS just said "boy" & changed the subject & other boy shrugged his shoulders & said "fair enough" .

Overall he was very bouncy on his return & looking forward to starting lessons properly tomorrow.

Fingers crossed it stays this positive.

Wow that sounds like two fairly big things on his first day especially the latter.
Well done DS for being so calm and collected

Occasions like being challenged about his gender will become zero when he starts on the testosterone injections Floundering - but that is another thing that you will have to start preparing yourself for I am afraid (but forewarned is forearmed I always say).
The changes will happen very slowly - generally over a one year to two year period, but will lead to increase in muscle mass, change in skin texture to become more male like, facial hair (beard and moustache if he doesn't shave), loss of head hair happens for many f2m (but this tends to be much slower process)
Overall though, the biggest change will be that you have a much happier child. The very latest research shows that most adolescents who transition are much happier and tend to do well in their education and careers
pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2014/09/02/peds.2013-2958.abstract

Yes Killash I was very proud of him particularly for how he handled that!!

Trans Yes those changes will come & I'm sure by then I will be ready to accept them still struggling with that at the moment but baby steps. Not long ago talking about chest binders reduced me to tears! He'll have to live for anything up to 2 years (according to the clinic guidelines) as a male before they'll start hormones, because of the irreversible effects but he will get counselling throughout that phase & I guess they take each case on its merits & might start earlier if they are happy that he is at the right stage to start that next step.

As I have discussed with him, registering as male at college, socialising as a male & living as full a life as he can as a male will all go to evidencing to the clinic that he genuinely moving forward. So the 6 months waiting list time has its uses.

Good to read those encouraging stats!

Hi Floundering just checking in - so glad things have been going so well for you both.

Hi BA thanks, first full week this week, so we shall see how he copes with that by Friday including a house move

Might lose the internet for a while so don't think I've gone AWOL .

That's if the chuffing solicitors get their act together ..but that's another thread!!!