Went shopping yesterday-we got the mens shirts & trousers, but I cried when we got to the boxer shorts

[Floundering]

.....they are for my 17 year old DD.

My gorgeous sassy funny not so little girl has confided in me that she feels she is a boy trapped in a woman's body. Gender Dysphoria is our new buzz phrase.

Since she told me 10 days ago we've had doctors appointments for me & her, to arrange counselling, talked long and tearfully (both of us) and gone shopping. She wants to cut off her beautiful glossy mane, bind her chest and eventually start hormones. Luckily she favour the baggy shirts & jeans look so no vast difference yet.

I can't bear it.

I'm in a fog, wanting to support her but also wanting to shake some sense into her.

(BTW not bothered about me, but have NC for this I did post a one off post on another thread the night it all happened but forgot to NC & got it pulled so if you saw that please don't out me for her sake. )

Since puberty she has had massive gynae issues, multiple A&E visits and admissions for various operations. Part of me wonders whether she has had such a shit time as a female that subconsciously she feels being male would be easier. But then I wonder if I'm in denial as I can't get my head round it. She says she is sure.

I have been researching transkids and it seems if they get to late teens and are sure then they rarely change back.

I am in so much pain at the thought of what she wants to do & the fact that the poor love is so mentally unhappy she is prepared to do it.

Not sure why I'm posting except I need to find someone who can share their experiences as the mum of a trans kid. I know the technical side of things, I worked on some of the first sex change ops back in the day and that makes things worse in a way.(although I know things have refined since then & yes its waaay down the line)

I'll stop now I'm waffling but please dear nest of vipers if you have any crumb of comfort bung it my way. This will be a long haul whichever way it goes.

Can't find the MN guidebook for this one

One of! Bloody phone

Hi all,

Sorry I did a long post back a while & it didn't stick!

Trans Carol thanks for that link, interesting & DS is going to show it to his Dad. Also the reassurance about the gender markers. He has the possibility of a school trip later in the year so needs to get that sorted.

JustCarol Have pm'd you

Killash We're bumbling along thanks, DS was having a bad patch but then got his appt through at last for the gender identity clinic so is feeling very upbeat. Has made me wobble a bit as I had just got used to the status quo & now we are moving forward again, been a bit tearful but have pulled my Big Girl knickers on & am having to cope! Probably not helped by feeling frustrated by lack of success in getting DD better.
She has come home for a few days and poor love is really struggling so we are looking at options to improve outside things to help. She is living in VERY grotty digs with pleasant but slovenly flatmates and its all getting her down. She has a nice gang of friends now & a better house share set up for next term so we are trying to get her out of her contract & into halls until then.

Re the holiday- I really want to go away but for me part of the fun is sharing the experience with someone, don't want to be the billy no mates sitting in the corner of the restaurant!

Not afraid of my own company but am looking at other options, might just get a small holiday cottage somewhere nice in the UK for my first solo adventure so I can take the dog with me to save expense.

Big girls knickers are great, but you can't wear them all the time. What support are you getting are you still seeing the counsellor/ talking to your friend?

Hope DD manages to get moved into halls, where you live is so important when away from home at that age.

Hope DS is feeling better, such a roller coaster journey he has to ride, he must be a remarkable young man to be strong enough to do this at his age, I seem to remember never being sure about anything when I was his age.

UK break sounds like a lovely idea floundering. I live in a small seaside town in South Devon so if you end up near here pm me and we can walk dogs together

Thinking of you three x

Believe me KillashandraRee, when your gender identity does not match your physical body you know. It is there nagging you every single minute of the day, from the minute that you wake up, take a shower, every time somebody addresses you, every time somebody refers to you using the wrong pronoun, every time you use the bathroom facilities. The only respite is when you dream and then you are generally the person that your mind tells you that you are.

Trans that is such a perfect, if heartbreaking, description of what DS has been feeling. I hope your battles are now fewer & you are happier as Carol, your true self.

Killash We're still seeing a counsellor, although our free sessions have run out & at £50 a pop we can't have as many as I would like. Just trying to keep a balance till DS starts his clinic appts & see what we can access through them. I'm seeing my GP soon & will ask if there is any funding via the practice.
Yes I am very proud of DS, he is a very determined person, & I think will be even more remarkable when fully transitioned. He has wanted to follow a very niche market career since age7 with unwavering conviction. I just hope he can get what he has set his heart on both personally & professionally & be happy.
The holiday idea sounds nice, I will give it some thought thank you. [Smile]

Floundering - yes, once I had transitioned, after a short time I suddenly realised that there was no pain there any more and instead of those conflicts I rarely thought about it any more. I just became me, a whole person - who just happened to be a woman.
Yes, things did rile me about being a woman, patriarchy, men's unquestioning (to themselves) belief that they are better.
*Killash& - what a coincidence, I live in a seaside resort in South Devon too lol

isnt there a thing that is about people who define themselves as mixed gender?

Been lurking but not posting for a while. Just wanted to say that I think your DS is so courageous and strong. And you are an amazing parent. I admire you both. Best wishes to your family :)

@ Vinegarand brownpaper,
Yes indeed - gender (like sex) is a spectrum, although most people find that they are lumped at either end of the spectrum, some do indeed occupy various stages of the middle ground - these people identify as non-binary (and there are many categories within non-binary as well).
If you would like to learn about this more simply Google "Non-binary gender identity" and you will dozens of links to sites for and about non-binary identification.

Transfigurations wonder how close we are? I live in the shockingly expensive bit where no one can afford a house unless they're from London.

Floundering that's two reasons to come to Devon. I can give you lots more it's perfect for relaxing dog walks.

Hi KillashandraRee hmmm that would suggest Salcombe or thereabouts lol - I'm from the common part - Torquay (where Londoners could probably afford at least 3 homes )

Not far at all!

I feel an MN road trip coming on

velour thank you this thread and folks like Trans with such good advice have been my lifeline.

Morning all.

Well DS had his 18th birthday last week, and my baby is now an adult.

(that makes us both wibble a bit!!)

I feel very sad that I now no longer have a say in his life or responsibility for any children, but at the same time so proud of him for the wonderful young man he has become.

We took him shopping for his first proper suit and he looked so gorgeous I felt very emotional but I didn't cry! It isn't for any particular event but to help build up his wardrobe & a symbol of his new life.

Gender clinic appointment next week I am going to keep him company but will not be going in with him, first step on the next stage of the journey.

THAT bit I am not looking forward to selfishly, although for him it is a huge step forward, and obviously I support him fully, it's all a bit daunting. I'll get my head round it eventually.

Well today is the day & I must say my head is all over the place but not for the expected reason.

ex H has dropped the bombshell on DS that he think it it is all a terrible idea ( like he just woke up with the plan on a whim one day) he thinks he should wait until he has finished college & if he pursues this path which will be a huge fuck up of his life then he (Ex) will stop the allowance he was going to give him in lieu of the maintenance he has given me.

I told DS not to worry about the money I would manage & that it was blackmail. I do feel sorry for Ex it has been a lot to deal with, but why now to do this when DS thought he was coping OK? Ds accepts he is not happy about it but he thought he would trust him to make his own choices as an adult, and he would love him whatever.

He didn't talk to DS about it just gave him a letter which was so cold and awful it chilled me. DS replied in a very firm confident way ( he showed me the copy) basically telling his Dad he WILL be moving forward as and when he wished & how hurtful he found it to be given an ultimatum by his Dad and to be called a fuck up. Last night he sobbed like a baby in my arms and at that moment I could have cheerfully decked his father.

This morning he is more "meh" about it as he is so excited about the appt which is lovely to see.

Just wish his father could support him but its his loss his behaviour has not only pushed DS away but DD too as she is sickened by his treatment of her little bro, and Exes attitude to me - he apparently told her she shouldn't spend as much time with me over her holidays as I am mentally unstable & therefore not good for her as she is struggling with her depression too. Neither of them want to see him just now if ever which breaks my heart but its their choice.

Bastard.

All red rag to several bulls, we are closer than ever & the best revenge is to show someone you are successful and happy so he can FOTTFS we don't need his approval.

I am taking great delight in the fact that he will be expecting a barrage of emails from me & I have not risen to the bait & am going even more NC than I have before.

Wow, that must have come as a huge shock and blow to both you and your son - and is, as you say, nothing short of blackmail.
He might be doing it to test the resolve of your son - to see if money is more important to him than him being himself - and once he discovers it isn't will come round. However, it is a very risky game he is playing if this is his motive as he risks losing contact (and respect) from both your son and daughter and he could end up paying the ultimate price for that.
He really needs to watch some online videos (there are a few on my website) and go and see somebody at a GIC to get help for his attitude.
Well done you for staying calm (to him) and refusing to rise to the bait, but I can sympathise with the explosion of anger that must have hit you when he dropped that little bombshell on you.
Stay strong and supportive - and good luck x

Floundering - I wish my husband had a mother like you. He didn't transition until much later in life due to family. He is so happy now!
All the best to you and your son.

Thanks Trans I was hoping you;d see this.

Some links would be good, I can't send them to him but DS could if he wants to. Could you send me the link to your site again please?

DS is on a real high- the appt went well and the doctor very nice and understanding & impressed with him having started his RLE already.
This was very much an admin & basic assessment session. He goes back in 6 weeks for a psychological assessment then 6 week later he goes back to see both doctors with me to discuss family dynamics & support & plan a timeline of treatment. Then they write to the GP with advice on blood tests & hormone therapy. He will receive ongoing counselling but they'll discuss that more at the family session & hopefully we can both access that.

All in all please with how it went, I met some interesting characters in the waiting room, I have the sort of face that encourage confidences I think, & got the life story of 2 very sweet, very troubled brave souls who had travelled hours to get there. Made me realise how important early intervention is to stop the psychological traumas so many go through.

As to my ex well we shall see how that unfolds, I'm just going to have to pick up the pieces but let the DC choose how much if any contact they have with him. At least now they are 20 & 18 I can step back & leave it to them!

tibbysmum thank you ... so glad your DH is happy now, despite his mum .

Hi again Floundering,
My website is at www.transfigurations.co.uk and the page of videos as at www.transfigurations.co.uk/pages/videos.html. Also ask him to Google "Leelah Alcorn" to see the tragic results of parental non acceptance.
Also the video by Dr. Norman Spack ofthe Boston hospital at the bottom of this page www.transfigurations.co.uk/pages/trans_youth.html

Thanks for those Trans

We have had a difficult week, DS has been up & down in mood, mostly due to his father bombarding him with questions .
DSe has been very mature & answered those he is comfortable with answering, and telling him how hurt he is by his actions,while understanding his dads confusion.
He has refused to go & see/stay with his Dad as he is too angry still , when he texted to tell him this gently saying he preferred not to go while there was still the Elephant in the Room...his Dad replied that there had been a large Elephant in the Room since he first came out.

I know who I think is the more mature person here.

oops posted too soon,

To compound things our lovely counsellor who we were due to see last night was off sick so had to cancel, just when DS really could have done with a debrief. However his very supportive personal tutor is aware of the situation & she is seeing him today & hopefully getting him into see the college MH support worker so that might help a bit. I have suggested DS tries to see her once a week even if journey to just to touch base during this difficult time & he agreed it might be helpful.

I could cheerfully stab my ex with a pair of rusty scissors for the hurt he has caused our son. (but he's not worth going to jail for!)I get that he is grieving and working through his own issue with it all, i have been the same but that's HIS journey to make, getting angry with DS, throwing his weight around i only alienating both his children. sigh

Just one thing
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Bless you Trans,thanks!

Always love a hug, luckily DS still likes to cuddle his old mum even though he's nearly 6 ft already-lord only knows what will happen when he starts his testosterone, he's permanently hungry as it is!!!

He's had a delivery today & he says its a packer.
Not sure how I feel about that, another step into the unknown

Just think of it as being small breasted and having to wear chicken fillets to fill you out a little - same thing really. If your daughter wore them, you wouldn't think twice about it.

That's a good thought Trans - I'm actually more OK with it than I thought I would be as its made such a difference to DS' confidence, as a chicken fillet would to a girl so another hurdle met !

DS & I have been joking about it all though as he now realises why chaps "rearrange" themselves so readily ....but at least he leaves the room!!!

DD & I have said if he falls into the more negative of manly ways we will pull him up on it !

We tease him that we are on a mission to make him the perfect partner, it may take a while but his future partners will thank us.

Still nothing positive from the ex. but DS seems brighter, did well in a mock AS exam yesterday so that was encouraging and has an interview today through college for possible work experience at a local store which he is hoping might lead to paid weekend work. He is desperate for a job!