Went shopping yesterday-we got the mens shirts & trousers, but I cried when we got to the boxer shorts

[Floundering]

.....they are for my 17 year old DD.

My gorgeous sassy funny not so little girl has confided in me that she feels she is a boy trapped in a woman's body. Gender Dysphoria is our new buzz phrase.

Since she told me 10 days ago we've had doctors appointments for me & her, to arrange counselling, talked long and tearfully (both of us) and gone shopping. She wants to cut off her beautiful glossy mane, bind her chest and eventually start hormones. Luckily she favour the baggy shirts & jeans look so no vast difference yet.

I can't bear it.

I'm in a fog, wanting to support her but also wanting to shake some sense into her.

(BTW not bothered about me, but have NC for this I did post a one off post on another thread the night it all happened but forgot to NC & got it pulled so if you saw that please don't out me for her sake. )

Since puberty she has had massive gynae issues, multiple A&E visits and admissions for various operations. Part of me wonders whether she has had such a shit time as a female that subconsciously she feels being male would be easier. But then I wonder if I'm in denial as I can't get my head round it. She says she is sure.

I have been researching transkids and it seems if they get to late teens and are sure then they rarely change back.

I am in so much pain at the thought of what she wants to do & the fact that the poor love is so mentally unhappy she is prepared to do it.

Not sure why I'm posting except I need to find someone who can share their experiences as the mum of a trans kid. I know the technical side of things, I worked on some of the first sex change ops back in the day and that makes things worse in a way.(although I know things have refined since then & yes its waaay down the line)

I'll stop now I'm waffling but please dear nest of vipers if you have any crumb of comfort bung it my way. This will be a long haul whichever way it goes.

Can't find the MN guidebook for this one

Hi Floundering (may i call you by another name ? Pls let me know, really dont want you to be floundering any more )
When you say "THAT is the issue", i understand you entirely having been thru all u say myself & still going thru it, albeit to a lesser extent... I also was looking forward to having all those things u talked abt (objectively, if not modestly, my child had/has (he disguises it at moment) the sihouette any girl/ top model would dream of, beautiful face & blue eyes & thick healthy hair down to her knees), plus he's bright, doing a double curriculum at international school, plus he has a lovely character, very tolerant, considers others, and enjoys a good laugh ... altho the trans issue makes him shy away from people & not speak up in class - he knows who he is, just uncomfortable seeing how others uncertain abt who he is....
I am also lucky that we communicate very well together. We dont even need to speak verbally, i know when something pains him, which of course pains me too, and he knows when something pains me too. So we are at a stage where we are both trying to move forward & support each other.
He is lucky to have so many friends at school who accept him as him (& not her), & has built up his own support group with others of his own age.
If you like, if you think your son would like it, how about me asking my son to get into contact with your son ? Just an idea, but i'm sure my DS would be very happy to do that ... just last week he set up his own (closed) support group for trans teenagers & asked me if i would like to be added, so i think Soffas like u & me are welcome too ...only 4 members to date on FB - it is called "Transgenre France", where we live, & where support & resources are sadly lacking compared to UK. DS feels more accepted generally in society here in UK than in France. Anyway, let me know how you & your son feel about this idea ...
As soon as my DS has finished school in may 2015, he's thinking of taking a gap year : he wishes to start T therapy asap (have appt with psy in sept) and has researched the web so much he has a thorough understanding & realistic idea of what top surgery will entail, he feels determined to go down this route to looking himself, aligning his exterieur appearance with the internal person he is, identities with .... the other day, he was cutting off bits of his fringe, cutting them into finer bits & using glue to stick them on his chin ... he cant wait to get a beard/moustache, to go on T & wishes to start uni a year later looking more like the person he knows he is inside.
As far as i'm concerned, i chew myself up when i let slip she/her/girl/birthname etc which happens esp when i'm tired... its terribly upsetting for DS to hear this but he is very patient & understanding ... However it diesnt stop the hurt & pain & anger & sadness ... I'm very worried abt this developing into depression ... thats why i feel the sooner DS speaks to his dad the better for all concerned ... but as carol if transfigurations told ne, this is sonetimes the hardest if things to do ... i cant betray DS's trust, i'm already betraying DH's trust ... i've been put in an impossible situation - whichever way u look at it, i cant win ... i just hope there will be understanding on all sides when DS does finally break the news ... i have to be strong to continue supporting DS, but I dont mind admitting i'm on anti-anxiety prescription drugs & am followed up monthly myself by a psy ...
Dont know how much longer i can keep going with this situation & if things get worse / impossible with dad's reaction to DS outing himself (i pray & hope not) i feel that will be the end of me & a disaster for DS's studies ...
I've lost a daughter ( ok, gained a son :) ), lost our house, on the point of losing my mum and my dad, managed to hold down a job at an age when i should be retiring, manage to pay the rent ... if there is a risk of losing DH too after 33 yrs, well i suppose i'll find a way of dealing with it ... if it doesnt deal with me first ...
Enough rambling on ...

I also just want to sleep, have a peaceful life & hope it will all go away, blow over ...
I'm sorry if all my rambling has been of little comfort to you ... If nothing else, at least you know you're not alone in what life throws at us ...
Let me know if i can answer any specific questions, doubts, worries etc you may have - i would be very happy to try and help in any way i can ...
Carol

Thank you Noah for your input, it helps ...
Hope your op goes well for you
Maybe let us know, my trans son might be following your footsteps & would be reassuring to know
All the best, carol

10pm called paramedics who took my mum into hospital, 6 hrs later got a diagnostic of chest infection, they've kept her in & i'm just back for some kip, before going back to hospital to see her. (Bed-bound) dad & live-in carer asleep. DS hopefully having nice time with his friend. Just emailed DH. Texted my sisters. I'm supposed to be having a holiday & getting some rest ... when will it all end ...?
Might ask DS to email letter to DH .... ? or shall i just spill the beans ??? oh dear, tomorrows another day
when i find time, still got to figure out how this site works & where one can pm ... oh well ... done in

JustCarol You sound like you have a whole raft off issues of your own to deal with, and it's easy to out oneself in these situations by posting specific personal details - I've done it myself and you never know who might be reading.

Not wanting to put you off this thread or any other on MN but having been burnt myself (under another NN!) it occurred to me as I was reading your posts, you will get more privacy by PMing -it's top right of the page, next to the "My Mumsnet" button , a little red button appears next to the envelope to indicate a message & you can opt to have a notification email too should you wish.

Miss marple bloomers :Thank you for yr msg, much appreciated, think i've found the pm button now! New to this site & only have my mobile with me to write on as i dont live in uk, just visiting elderly parents & family, so a bit difficult to navigate ...
Thx again, carol

Carol have PM'd you.

Killash amazingly ExDH was very measured in his response, listened to the answers to questions & asked some more, discussed a few practicalities but nothing much, he is still digesting it all I think & possibly hoping (as I initially did) that it will all blow over. Best thing is he put his arms around DS & said he loved him no matter what ! RESULT! So proud of DS & I have to say of exDH , there is a glimpse of the man I married.

DS is grinning from ear to ear.

That is awsome Floundering - it will certainly make things a lot easier for your son knowing that he has the support of both his parents on his side as he goes through this journey - and a great weight of your mind knowing that you will not have to fight him every inch of the way.
One thing that your son might ask you, is for you to destroy all past photographs of him as he was before - many trans people do this and I asked my mother to do the same. Fortunately she didn't, and she kept a few and all these years later I am pleased that she didn't destroy all of them as I can now look back and see just how far I have come and just how complete I am now compared to how I was before.
Take care, I am really happy for this breakthrough for you all
Carol

Floundering that's great news hope you, DD and DS get to have a nice weekend x

Trans Actually that was one of our early discussions, DS caught me having a weep

(I have always tried to keep my wobbles to myself as I don't want him ever to censure his thoughts or our discussions for fear of upsetting me)
I was having a quiet 5 minutes & gazing at the many photos I have scattered around of both my lovely children with their cousins & trying to work out my thoughts.

I told him I felt I was having to deny my beautiful baby girl had ever existed & it saddened me. He was aghast, and insisted he would never ask me to do that as he was happy to acknowledge the person he had been , but that the person he is transitioning into was a different happier person.
:)

Killash They are at their dads this w/e and actually I am glad of the time alone to have a think about the last week or so, it has been a hard one for many reasons, and tonight I told DS godmother who is a very dear friend. She was lovely as expected, opened a (rather nice) bottle of wine and listened, gave me a hug & said she was so proud of DS and me & would be there whenever we needed her. I wept again.

I'm glad you're coping so well with it. And I'm so glad the response on here has been so positive bearing in mind this site's transphobic attitude.

Good luck for the future.

Thanks TiggyD - yes some folks are transphobic on here but the majority are lovely & so I like to think that reflects real life. Easy to be nasty behind the safety of the keyboard .

It's actually MNHQ I'm talking about. All through one thread people have been calling 2 transwomen "He" and even saying "He's a man", but still MNHQ don't do anything.

Hi Floundering - such good news - long may it continue
Carol's point & yr input about photos good to know abt too ... havent got that far yet with my trans DS ...
Glad to see all the positive & supportive posts too.
Do let us know how things develop over time - wish you, your DS, exDH, DD happy journeys along these new pathways if unexplored territory ...
Will PM you too -
Carol

Thank you TiggyD your support means a lot to transgender people - some people are simply incapable of compassion or understanding - but hey ho, that's life.
Take care
Carol

The 'being a parent' section has special boards for TGBL children and parents BTW.

Thanks Tiggy

Floundering I'm so pleased you have RL friends to support you and share wine and give you a hug. Hope you're having some peaceful me time this weekend before they come home.

Xx

Yes Killash I am blessed with some good chums. Now DS is out to his Dad I feel I can tell a few close ones, but not everybody as it seems to set me back a bit each time.

Have done a few chores this morning & am now on the sofa under a duvet about to embark on a Netflix marathon,with large cuppa & bar of chocolate.

Seems like that sort of day & far too long since I had the time or peace to indulge!

Have a good Sunday all x

Floundering me too! Cup of tea and some maltesers and the hobbit! X

Hi Floundering I've been taking a break from MN but just logged back in to see how you guys are doing - and now I appear to have something in my eye . Hurrah for the ex, and your DD who sounds amazing, and your DS who is clearly an incredibly emotionally articulate person, and of course you

I know you've a long journey to continue on bit I'm just so pleased things are going so well. If you want to reply (please don't feel obliged!) please PM me as I won't be checking MN again for a while

Thanks BA, we all need a break from MN occasionally- my last one was 2 years! Have a good time out.

Hi floundering hope you've had a good week

Hi Killash thanks for the flowers!

Pretty shitty week actually, think the nervous tension is getting to me & I've felt crap, very emotional & weepy.

Doesn't help that I now have my other DD battling depression ( she's not been right for some time I feel crap that I initially didn't give her more support due to other DC needing me) She is very fragile at the moment, being looked after by our brilliant Nurse Practitioner as our lovely GP is on hols & I needed her to be seen asap. She got her on Citalopram which is zonking her out & disturbing her sleep but I told her it might take a week or 2 to settle. Bless her she is trying hard not to worry me but obviously I am, but we are having lots of cuddles & talks.

DS is upstairs with his best friend (known each other since Reception) trying to screw up the courage to tell her......but from the shrieks & giggles I think they are watching celebs doing the Ice Bucket Challenge!!

Her Dad is being a bit arsey with me,Ok with DS but ignoring it all (I think hoping it will go away!) refuses to use male pronouns or the chosen name. Refusing to get together to discuss things & being very curt in emails. I am cutting him a very large piece of slack at the moment as I know he is in shock, but it's always bloody well about him not DS which I find hard.

Oh and did I mention I'm packing to move house???!!!!! Valium anyone?

Oh floundering scrap the flowers have some instead! Your poor DD she mustn't feel guilty for needing some help of her own. It sounds like you have a great relationship with both your children for them to confide in you so much, you've obviously done an amazing job with them.

Bloody frustrating ExH thinking about himself rather than DS and DD but you mustn't let him funnel his negativity in your direction. You have enough to concentrate on with your DC.

Moving house?! Eek I sympathise we moved recently when I was 37weeks pregnant.

Have you any plans for the bank holiday weekend to do something nice with DC's?