Went shopping yesterday-we got the mens shirts & trousers, but I cried when we got to the boxer shorts

[Floundering]

.....they are for my 17 year old DD.

My gorgeous sassy funny not so little girl has confided in me that she feels she is a boy trapped in a woman's body. Gender Dysphoria is our new buzz phrase.

Since she told me 10 days ago we've had doctors appointments for me & her, to arrange counselling, talked long and tearfully (both of us) and gone shopping. She wants to cut off her beautiful glossy mane, bind her chest and eventually start hormones. Luckily she favour the baggy shirts & jeans look so no vast difference yet.

I can't bear it.

I'm in a fog, wanting to support her but also wanting to shake some sense into her.

(BTW not bothered about me, but have NC for this I did post a one off post on another thread the night it all happened but forgot to NC & got it pulled so if you saw that please don't out me for her sake. )

Since puberty she has had massive gynae issues, multiple A&E visits and admissions for various operations. Part of me wonders whether she has had such a shit time as a female that subconsciously she feels being male would be easier. But then I wonder if I'm in denial as I can't get my head round it. She says she is sure.

I have been researching transkids and it seems if they get to late teens and are sure then they rarely change back.

I am in so much pain at the thought of what she wants to do & the fact that the poor love is so mentally unhappy she is prepared to do it.

Not sure why I'm posting except I need to find someone who can share their experiences as the mum of a trans kid. I know the technical side of things, I worked on some of the first sex change ops back in the day and that makes things worse in a way.(although I know things have refined since then & yes its waaay down the line)

I'll stop now I'm waffling but please dear nest of vipers if you have any crumb of comfort bung it my way. This will be a long haul whichever way it goes.

Can't find the MN guidebook for this one

[Floundering]

Blu thank you, I will look out for that,can't listen to it live as working but the blurb does sound interesting & I like her as an actor so would be interested to hear her story.

BA & Coconutty thanks

We had a very positive session at CAMHS-funny how you build it up to be this huge ogre-ish thing to be met head on....DS had his best man's shirt & jeans on,straightened his hair & looked very smart and boyish,and very comfortable, almost an armour I think!

The assessing psyche Dr was lovely. Asked (& apologised for asking) loads of questions & really talked to DS directly, occasionally asking me for clarification or my thoughts. DS was very articulate and calm and, I think impressed her with his clarity of thought & determination to persue this path. He wobbled a few times whilst trying to explain how he felt & I wobbled once when nice doc asked how it would feel not to have children (biologically) but otherwise we both managed to stay on track.

I don't think they have had a trans gender child through their doors recently (or at all) as she didn't know about the nearest centre, just the Tavistock in London which is really better for young trans kids. Our nearest one is only an hour away & although an adult one will take teens from 17, so she was going to research that.

His case needs to go to their team meeting next week & then she couldn't see why the referral wouldn't go ahead.

We both left feeling very positive about it all, and seeing how much it meant to DS made me feel happier that, for him, it's the right thing to do.

The next stage is to tell his Dad- we talked about that on the way home, and I asked him what bit he was most frightened about in his (Dads) reaction.
" That he won't love me anymore" he said with tears in his eyes .......one question I hope I know the answer to but we shall see.

[Floundering]

Even worse than telling my ex was telling my mum, DS beloved Grandma.

She has been so calm about hall of this but no the reality of this all is hitting home, she is heartbroken, I really think she convinced herself that ds was depressed after the long period of illness (as indeed I had done initially)

I need my family to stay strong around me as I support DS- but individually they all have their own grieving to do, & I suppose it struck home quite how alone I am in all this, and how the impact of DS choices are going to test & stretch our normally very strong family bonds.

[Cuddleczar]

Have been lurking on this thread, and know from personal experience the kind of readjustment you go through when something happens with your DCs and you think--how could that happen, she is not the person I thought she was/does not have the future I thought she had. Even though the things our family has had to deal with are so, so much more minor than what you are dealing with. Just wanted to say, as so many have on this thread, what a fantastic mum you sound, giving your DS so much support. No doubt there are difficult times to come but hopefully you will look back on this one day and reflect that your DS is now in the place he wants to be and is happy (I very much hope so).

Let us know how it goes with telling DS's dad.

[Floundering]

Thanks Cuddle yes I hope so too....that is what is helping me through this.
Although I have been grieving losing my daughter, seeing how much happier he is already and knowing that for him it is allowing him to be what he has always been inside has been a great comfort,however painful for those of us supporting him

Today is a mahoosive step for him as he is telling his father tonight & we're all on tenterhooks hoping for a positive reaction- I really hope e steps up to the plate. However crap he was to me as a DH he has always been a good & loving Dad to his DD's (in a stern Victorian way) & loves them to bits so even if his initial reaction might be harsh I'm hoping that will bring him through.

Am going to the pub with some friends later but have said I will have my mobile with me, if DS needs me.

[Haffdonga]

Good luck to your ds. He sounds very courageous.

[PittTheYounger]

Lots of love to you all

[DealForTheKids]

Floundering I've just read the whole thread and I'm in tears, you are an amazing mum. A friend of mine has recently been transitioning from F to M and he's just so happy in himself now. Wishing that happiness on your DS and you, and so much respect to you. I hope his dad's reaction was positive and you're looking forward to next steps now.

[Floundering]

Morning all- been a busy old week so looking forward to a slightly more chilled w/e, and of course after the lovely weather it's now going to be wet -hey-ho less watering the garden at least!.

Thanks for all the good wishes- it has helped!

Well the Great Reveal went a lot better than expected. DD & DS went off to exes for the day as usual & were on tenterhooks, bless them.

Apparently after supper DS was shaking & DD gave him a big hug & a gentle push & said "go on do it". He gave ex the carefully worded letter & asked him to read it & come & talk & then scarpered to another room. They were encouraged there was no immediate explosion and could here ex in his study rattling away on his computer so feared he was firing off a missive to me!

They eventually went to bed calling good night to their Dad & he said he'd be up... the talked to each other for a bit then settled down to wait for his usual goodnight hug (as he has done since they were small, quite sweet really) DD said he came in to her first & was acting just as if nothing had happened, then went into DS & asked a few basic questions about laundry (??!) then thrust a bit of paper at him gave him a hug & left.

The letter said he preferred for the moment to stick to her & birth name until he got his head round it all & needed to ask a few questions which would lead to more as queries popped up. Stuff like who knows, how long, what did transitioning really mean in practical terms etc etc
All very typical of his need to know facts, but at the end he added,

"whatever happens in the future remember I am your dad & i will always love you"

I forgive him all his arseiness for that one sentence!

He is clearly struggling to process it all as I have and will probably do so for some time. Especially when he realises that DS is going down his chosen path regardless of whatever his parents think or want otherwise and he has few choices really, but hopefully he will come round in his own way.

Telling ex by letter was absolutely the right way for him, he processes things better that way & doesn't do emotional stuff or "talking it out" DS is going to write a brief list of responses to his questions so he can refer back to it but actually discuss them with him after the w/e as ex is working away till Mon.

The change in DS is HUGE he is so happy you can see, he has been shopping with his sister & bought more mens clothes, he is making an appt to get a more masculine haircut, we've ordered chest binders. Small steps but positive ones. He is generally being cheeky and smiley like I haven't seen him for far too long - it is good. he keeps giving me bear hugs

Now I can truly say I know it is the right thing for him and his new life can begin with all the challenges & hopefully joys that brings.

[DoctorTwo]

Well, I think his dad took it far better than anticipated. Along with others, I just want to say what a wonderful mother you are. I understand this isn't easy, but you are taking it brilliantly, and your son is happy.

[KillashandraRee]

Floundering for you, it may feel like you are floundering but your DS is so lucky to have such a wonderful mother. If either of my DS come to me with something so huge in the future I hope I can be as supportive as you are x

[Floundering]

Thanks both, yes Doctor he did take it much better than feared, but then as I said up thread whatever the animosity he still bears towards me he loves his children & wants the best for them, he is not a nasty man at heart and family are very important to him.

I'm still sort of waiting for the other boot to drop, in a sense in that part of the grieving process is often anger & that may be directed at me, but I can handle that as it is understandable & harder to work through in that we can't blame DS, just the wiring in him that made his body so incompatible with his inner identity. But ex will get through it in his own way, and I can't really help although I would like to think we could support each other in this for our son it is unlikely he will be comfortable with that, sadly. But who knows!!

Kill if either of your sons did go through this,you would cope in your own way. At the heart of it all as mothers we want our children to be happy and true to themselves, and the shit that goes with getting to that place is worth it.

We have a long way to go yet but now all the people closest to him know DS is more confident at dealing with the rest. We have confided in a familbeloved y member who works closely with CAHMS & has been very helpful with advice. DS is going to tell all the younger members himself ( with their mothers consent) in plain simple terms, inviting questions if needed & I will be in the next room with the aunties/ godparents to support but we anticipate that it will be a question of drip feeding information as they process it and want more. Basically they know and love the person DS really is & he still loves them, so the rest is just packaging really.

Really hard for the adults concerned to deal with as they worry about how it will affect their LO's while still getting their own heads round it so we are taking that bit slowly.

Next week we are making an appt to speak to his head of year at college to outline DS' needs & give them time to dust off the transgender policy they are supposed to have and speak to his subject tutors with a view to registering under his new name in Sept.

[Hels20]

Wow! What an amazing mother you are. And I think that, so far, your ex has behaved pretty well too. Of course it will take him time to digest and accept but it sounds like he will get there.

[Floundering]

Hels all of us have the capacity to be so much stronger than you ever thought possible, and when set against the awful prospect of losing your child it's a "no brainer" as they say!

DS was SO happy yesterday, laughing singing & mucking around with his sister as we did family stuff, and generally being a right PITA to her as he used to be, seeing him like that compared to the unhappy confused soul who came out to me back in May has made me realise how my action have been worth it.

[KillashandraRee]

Floundering that sounds great. Hopefully you'll see more of your happy DS as time goes on x

[Floundering]

Killash I hope so, tonight he is having a further chat with his Dad, after answering his questions by email.

I know he (ex) is processing all this in his own way but it has been a week since DS came out to him, which is a long time, and he's not said a thing. We only live 5 minutes away they could easily have met up.

I think he thinks there is an option here ( to say no its not happening) and that he has a say in the way things are panning out. As DS father of course he is entitled to his opinion and to join us for family counselling if DS is comfortable with that, but knowing his (exes) need to be controlling he will not like the fact that DS is in the driving seat and has actually already decided how things are going (with support and advice)

I am just sitting back & supporting DS as he needs in dealing with his Dad, they have to sort this out themselves but knowing what ex is like I just hope it isn't too messy. I take comfort from the fact that last night DS popped round to help Ex with some jobs at his Grandmas & he gave him a big hug & whispered in his ear that he'd got the email thanks & would talk today at access visit.

Feeling knackered and drained at the moment, flat out at work, juggling this and trying to sort accommodation issues, just want it all to go away & let me sleep!!!

[Transfigurations]

Hi Floundering,
You are being incredibly brave, it is something that very few parents have to face and, very sadly, some parents completely reject their children over this. This will often lead to self harm, suicide ideation (or worse) but with your love and support, your daughter will pull through this and prosper - and blossom into the person that she was actually born to be.
However, you do not have to go through this alone, there are support groups out there for both your daughter and yourselves (parents).
This will not have been an overnight decision that your daughter has made, it will have come after months and possibly years of agonising about her gender, depression probably because of it and huge anxiety on how to tell you how she feels about herself - this will probably be the most single difficult thing that she will ever have to do in her whole life - I know this because I too an transgender and I know the agony and anxiety of telling my own mother about myself - and the relief and happiness when she accepted me and started to help me with my own transition over 40 years ago.
I have a website and support groups at Transfigurations - and I can put you in contact with many other parents who are going through this right now.
You are not alone - you need somebody to turn to for support as much as your daughter.
Take care and good luck to all your family
Carol

[Floundering]

Carol

Thanks for the advice, and I'm glad your mother was there for you too.

I have joined several parent support groups but TBH they aren't for me just now. I find taking each step slowly one at a time and just dealing with that is enough for me & stops me getting overwhelmed.

When I first was looking for help there were some lovely parents on Mermaids, but everyone was so upbeat & positive & coping so much better (it seemed) than me I couldn't join in. Plus talking about hormone therapy , and surgery is still a long way off & a step to take when DS is ready but right now is too much too handle although we do discuss it .

We are having family counselling and that is a great support and I have friends I can offload on!

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

Just remember that if they'd handed you a boy baby seventeen years ago you'd have been just as delighted as you were with a girl.

[Transfigurations]

Hi Floundering,
Yes, I can well understand that - however, there is a lovely mum in my forums who is just at the start of getting to grips with her new son - who by the sounds of it is at a similar stage to your DB. Her son is around 17 and will be starting uni in the UK next year.
I realise just how difficult it must be for a parent - but to all parents who accept their transgender children, may I just say "Thank you, from the bottom of my heart" it does make a tremendous difference to know that we have the support of our mums.
Take care
Carol

[JustCarol]

Hi Floundering
I'm the mum Carol above mentionned !
Have 17 yo trans son. know what you mean having all those beautiful locks chopped off, mens dept for clothes, binders...DS is already into boxers... Might even be looking for packers soon too ...not a problem for me, but DS came out to me abt 3 years ago & we've both been taking it all as it comes (not to say there arent moments which are difficult for both of us, abt which can speak later if u like). DS has been seeing a transgender specialist (psychiatrist since oct 2013 during school hols, only been abt 3 visits so far + we did a deed poll to officially change his first name not long ago, so he feels these are good steps forward.
However, Floundering, you are far more avanced than us on one important point - and congratulations to you & your son :) :> coming out with his dad .... I've got to bursting point, DS has been putting off speaking with his dad. When Ds was 14 & came out to me (another whole story, but went well), i thought i'd just see how it goes, so didnt mind so much that DS was DD & birth name at home & DS & chosen name everywhere else (friends, even parents of friends, at school) and nor did he ... now its got to a stage where if he so much as hears his birth name & she it sparks off a deep sorrow & tears & anger.... we are on holiday in Uk at moment, dad is back home & DS gas only got as far as telling dad he wants to be called by his chose name, not birth name ... and tjis was via email ! so far dad has ignored this & continues to refer to DS with birthname ... i am getting very worried, DS hasnt come out explicitly with dad abt his transgenderism (as if dad hadnt noticed, but maybe he thinks its a phase, or is in denial...?)
Anyway, i'm completely exhausted by all this (& many other things going on in my life at moment) & was hoping DS would have spoken to dad abt this by now, to at least give him summer to process before DS starts school year. Its DS's last year at school & with all the exams coming up i really dont wont things to go bad for him during this year of all years .... not that they necessarily will, i'm just not sure how this 'hurdle' will go for either of them. DS is away with a friend at the moment, i'm looking after my elderly dependent parents & dad is at home ... do we break the news by phone, email to soften things before ds & i return home ? Ideally i think so, but ds doesnt seem to be ready to do so ...
Pls excuse me, i'm very tired (had to go to london & back today), but i can see we have a lot in common & can maybe support each other, help each other along - its not easy for us, theres a long road ahead, but its even longer & harder for our sons, ...
I'm very proud of DS, think he's been managing brilliantly, i just pray & hope he & his dad get it right , so we can all move on
But just at the moment i must get some sleep
All best wishes
Carol (another one!)

[KillashandraRee]

Hi Floundering, how did DS get on at his Dad's? Did he visit or stay over? Hope they've managed to talk thing through positively x

[JustCarol]

Good morning , Floundering - i hope it is a good one!
I'm just up, still tired, but want to see my dad while he's awake (carers lioking after him at moment)
Just up, not awake yet, havent finished my first coffee, but i realise that in my post last night to you, while introducing myself & our situation, i just rambled on abt my own worries rather than adressing some of your concerns ... Pls excuse me
Also i registered on this site for the first time last night & dont really know my way around yet, but i was keen to answer carol's (from transfigurations, which btw i really recommend - lots of nice people & support to be had there, not least carol herself! :) ) suggestion of getting into contact.
I'm hoping that i'll find a PM system on this site so we can safely support each other esp on particularly sensitive issues
I really do hope that all goes well for you, your DS & his relationship with his dad and that you all will have as smooth a journey as possible
At the end of the day, if your children are healthy & happy, feel loved & appreciated & recognised for who they are, not much else matters....
Have to go now, sending you good vibes & hugs
Hope to be touch soon, take care, Carol

[Floundering]

Quacks Yes of course I would, a happy , healthy baby is all anyone wants, but with respect that's not the issue.If only it were that simple!

I gave birth to a beautiful healthy GIRL, I have nurtured and supported a GIRL I expected to grow old watching my DAUGHTER mature and become her own woman, possibly marry, have kids and / or a brilliant career. He can still do all those things but not in the same way.

It is the difference and change in expectations that is the huge thing to get your head around, but above all it is the pain you feel seeing that beloved daughter feel such pain at her gender, feel so wrong in her own body that she is desperate to transition, to fill her body with male hormones, have major surgery to remove perfectly healthy parts of her body, THAT is the issue.

Trans thank you for being so brave and giving folks like my child hope and guidance on this challenging phase of life. Above all,like most mums, I want my DS to be happy.

JustCarol Welcome to this club we find ourselves in I'll PM you xx

HiKillash DS is at his Dad's now, he was going to talk yesterday evening, (he always stays over on Weds ) but the daft bugger skidded on his trail bike & cut his head open on the way to the park so was a bit too shaken up to talk. His sister cleaned him up & they watched him for concussion but thankfully he has his mothers thick skull so is ok. They are talking now hopefully. I shall report back later.

Going to take my dogs out for along walk- having a wobbly day today so need to clear my head. Partly brought on by a rather nasty thread in the Feminist section, which I got drawn into but then hid as it was going to get nasty and I am not strong enough for that just now.

Just made me realise some of the shit & flack that gets thrown at trans people by ignorant gits...but hey ho says more about them etc etc

[Transfigurations]

Wow, I have just read a little in that thread you mentioned Floundering - it is really horrible and I'm not surprised that you found it difficult to stay in there. Fortunately not all feminist groups are like that (I belong to one which is extremely supportive to all women, including trans women). I wouldn't wish being transgender on anybody, but I really wonder would they be spouting their mouths off at something they don't have any experience of is their son or daughter were transgender - or would they prefer to drive them to suicide.
Having said that I wouldn't wish being transgender on anybody, please don't get me wrong, I am actually proud to be a transgender woman and to have achieved what I have.

[Floundering]

Wow indeed but there we are takes all sorts, let them stew in their own bigotry & hatred, poor things must be so tiring to always be so hateful!!