DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

[Identify]

DSS5 is 5, joint custody.

When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year.

Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish.

Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored.

I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?

i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing?

aibu?

Noone would be telling me I couldn't cuddle my child in bed.

Depends-would you have the same reaction of it was your DS. At 5 I think it's normal for kids to want a quick cuddle in bed before school-sweet actually!

Getting in your bed for a coddle at 7 am is different to sleeping there all night. You are being unreasonable. I agree with your husband. It’s lovely that he wants to give him a cuddle in the morning.

Same. It's normal for kids that age to get in bed with their parents. You shouldnt be with a man who has such a young child when you're so uncomfortable with the care they need.

The only time people on MN defend a woman being told to fuck off by a man who’s throwing bedding is when that woman is a stepmum.

Personally, myself and DH have never had our children in our bed for the reasons you state. If they are ill or want a cuddle, we go to them. They have always slept happily in their own beds.

That said, the problem here is that you don’t have a voice. When you object to something your DH is abusive. My DH has never told me to fuck off. Why are you accepting that behaviour? That feels like the more important issue here.

Or when she tries to come between him and his kid.

Everything in this relationship has happened too quickly.

You say your DSS was 2 when you got married, so presumably the ex was pregnant/post-partum when you started dating?

Then you moved in with his family, because your DP didn’t have an income, and you worked and made enough money to buy a place for the three of you.

You were unhappy when you lived together at his mum’s, you’re unhappy now. You don’t like that your home that you worked so hard to pay for (is your DH earning yet?) has a child in it that isn’t yours.

Had you avoided dating a man with a pregnant partner/ex partner/new baby, you never would have got into the situation where you had to live with his mum, you could have got your own place and it could have been child-free.

All of this is to say, you rushed into a relationship with a man who doesn’t suit you. He doesn’t financially contribute what you do, (like provide a home) he doesn’t emotionally contribute what you do, you’re doing all the nursery runs and the bulk of care it seems, I’d bet you’re doing the bulk of housework too.

I really can’t see what this man is offering you? It can’t be great sex either as you’re sharing a room/bed with a child most the time.

What benefit does being with your H bring to your life, because your relationship currently sounds like it’s all downsides 🤷‍♀️

I love nothing more than cuddling DD in my bed. Your being very unreasonable

There are two separate problems here.

1. OP and the 5 year old coming for a morning cuddle -hardly 'bed sharing' and OP unhappy about this.

1. DH unable to communicate his views without resorting to being abusive to the OP.

The 'bed sharing' is less of a concern than the 'he flipped' and him swearing.

Agree

Drives me nuts how all these people who clearly aren't step-parents come on to the step-parenting forum to respond when they have zero understanding of what it's like to be a step-parent.

OP, I have had the same issues with my DSS. It is difficult because I do think it's normal for children to need to be close to a parent through the night, but you're not his parent and it feels totally different to if it's your own child. I accepted it when my DSS was 5, even though it made me feel really uncomfortable, however earlier this year I had an argument similar to my own DH when I went into my own bed and DSS was lying in it at 10 years old. I put my foot down and it caused a huge argument. There's definitely a biological aspect that comes into it, because I do feel totally different when it comes to my own children (although they are only 3 and 4).
Is there an option to put a double bed in DSS's room and then when DSS wants to sleep with your DH, your DH can go through to him instead?

For me there is a big difference between letting a child sleep in bed with you, and them coming in for a cuddle in the morning. I wouldn’t do the first or get into that habit, while the second is lovely. Are you sure this is the relationship for you op? This child has been in your life since he was tiny, you’ve always known the deal, so to speak. Your husband behaving badly here is a separate but very important issue too. Don’t have a child with this man, very unfair all round unless things can be resolved.

I’m not trying to come between him and his son at all. DSS has a double bed that DH always gets in to get him to sleep - I think that’s nice. DSS wanted breakfast and to play, was protesting about getting in the bed. And As I say, I take an active role in DSS upbringing.

The fuck off routine is awful and he should not speak to you like that. Especially infront of his kid.

coming in for 5 mins in the morning for cuddle is wildly different to sharing a bed. Sharing a bed is all night. 5 min cuddle is not this.

however I don’t think you should be sharing a bed with him and the child all night. As a mother I wouldn’t be happy with my kid sharing a bed all night with step parents. In reality you should have done something about it when he was 2 e.g bed in same room etc. now he has his own room it sounds like he’s sleeping in there and coming in for a cuddle at 7am (not that early even) is fine. Let that go!

I’m confused over how much time DSS is in the bed . If it’s all night - not reasonable
if it’s just a 7am cuddle - reasonable

I feel sorry for the child.

This relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Has he thrown things before @Identify

Abusive behaviour - and in front of his kid as well, nice.....

OP, the way your DH spoke to you and threw a pillow across the room is unacceptable. Was this in front of his son? I can understand DH wanting 5 more minutes in bed and pulling DS into bed for a cuddle, but to swear and have an outburst is completely unacceptable.

is DH working again now and contributing to the household income? Does he generally take the lead on parenting DSS when he’s with you?

I am a step parent and know how complex these situations can be - but the problem here is your DH, not your DSS.

No, it really isn't.

A small child looking for a cuddle with his dad before school is normal family life. It's not as if it's all night, every night.

@Identify

Ignore a lot of these posts. They have absolutely no clue what being a step parent is like. It's incredibly complex and difficult to navigate, many won't have the critical thinking skills to appreciate that so I wouldn't listen to them.

You need to sit down with your DH and really talk about this. Is he capable of having a open and honest conversation so you can work out a way forward that's best for all of you?

If not, then I'd really have a good hard think about whether this is the right relationship for you because it needs to change or you'll stay miserable.

Just leave him, he told to fuck off and he presumably left his pregnant partner? Run run run RUN. Being told to fuck off in front of a child is shocking. Raise your standards. Also I’d let DSS mum that your husband needs parenting classes to learn appropriate language in front of children

I think it is entirely reasonable to not want to share a bed with an unrelated child. He doesn't need to be watching TV in bed together, they can do that downstairs surely? I can see that he gets free child care from you, what are you getting out of this apart from abuse?

This!

The child is five fhs! Of course he is allowed to come in to the bedroom in the morning for five minutes and say hello to his dad.

Just as you are entitled to draw a line about co-sleeping with your dss.

Your dh should not have told you to fuck off, that was inappropriate, and totally uncalled for, but I can see his pov honestly. You probably will want to have some time cuddling your own dc in your bed when you have them.

I know you are very much involved in your dss’s life op and you sound like a good stepparent, but the human biological instinct is strong, and this is no one’s fault at all, but the truth is that most humans are programmed to be much more tolerant of the behaviour of their biological child than any other. And this can cause significant problems in a blended family.

I hope I am not causing offence by saying that, bc there are fantastic step-parents out there, and as I said, this is instinctive not intentional most of the time. And your dss didn’t do anything wrong either.

The problem is how you address this going forward as this won’t be the last time this sort of situation arises. Your dh needs to be far less confrontational and you need to be far more flexible Op.

I too am a bit confused about how much time DSS is in the marital bed these days.

I understand the build up to now was stressful with a lack of privacy back in MILs house ect. But what's going on now day to day? Has the past made you unreasonably prickly about normal stuff which you should really tolerate happily?

It's not on to be telling your spouse to fuck off. Especially in front of a child. His temper came before the great and tender love for his child there didn't it?