DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

[Identify]

DSS5 is 5, joint custody.

When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year.

Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish.

Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored.

I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?

i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing?

aibu?

Admittedly, very occasionally yes. Both have grown up absolutely fine by the way and not damaged in any way by the odd rude word from their parents mouths.

The child didn’t even want to get into bed. He was protesting. This was dh not wanting to get up and play and trying to buy a few extra minutes in bed. I can see how dh got frustrated and annoyed he wasn’t even allowed to do that, however swearing etc in front of his child isn’t acceptable.

Ad pp say, it’s nbu to say no to sleeping all night, but yabu for short bursts of time.

I don’t like how he talks to you and this needs to be addressed

i totally agree with the pp about not dating men with newborns but that ship has sailed

how many bedrooms does your house have, the obvious answer seems to be you as adults have a bedroom each or you get step son a bigger bed so his dad can go and cuddle him in there.

I love my son (3) cuddling me in bed. I’m not actively dating as that’s not what’s best for him but if I was, I would initially only have him over on child free nights and have the spare room bed as the ‘sex room’ and I’d leave my partner in there afterwards and go back to my bed so when my son runs in in the morning I’ll be there. In a few years time if I got married I’d get my son a double bed and go and have my cuddly time in there - as I don’t think you’re unreasonable for not wanting to cuddle up in bed with a child you’re not related to even if you love them. I don’t do that with my nieces even.

however boundaries will be blurred with you having shared a room your ss will think you’re part of the furniture.

You can also say to your DH - do you want ss going under the covers and snuggling with mums new bf? If we normalize it here he won’t think twice about doing it there. Which places him at risk.

A 5 year old is expected to do without normal parental cuddling in bed?

Pretty tough being a step child.

It wasn’t bed sharing, it was sitting in bed together in the morning.

Two things here. He is behaving appallingly. You should NEVER be told to fuck off. He should NEVER tell anyone to fuck off in front of his child.

On an entirely separate point. I’m afraid you can’t tell him he can’t cuddle his child in bed.

He chose to marry a woman without kids. He needs to understand that you aren’t his mother and may not want to be in a bed with his child. if he wanted you to act like the child’s mother then he should have made more of an effort to make his previous relationship work!

Being verbally abusive is never ok, and throwing things- being physically abusive in front of a 5yo is awful. Does this man add anything to the relationship? Poor kid being stuck with him!

dh and I can be very grumpy with each other but we dont thow things (ever) or swear at each other in front of DCs, it's basic parenting.

She’s not. She’s saying it can’t happen in HER bed (and yes, it is also her bed, not just his!).

She’s not stopping him from cuddling in the child’s bed.

A child could understand and adapt to that rule very easily. it would be no different from telling them they can’t be in the guest bedroom. or that they aren’t allowed in the bed of an opposite sex sibling (a rule that i has growing up and never thought twice about).

This @Identify although I’m sympathetic to him about the cuddling - why do you tolerate someone who shows this behaviour at all - and in front of his son?

Sounds more like him taking the piss out of you providing a home and working your arse off.

Please, consider getting yourself away from this oaf. He might be right about wanting a cuddle with his son but the rest of it doesn’t sound great. He isn’t listening to you at all and chucking stuff round and swearing is just the start of it.

She absolutely can if it’s her bed too. Sensible solution is for dad to do the cuddling in the kid’s bed. I say this as someone whose stepmother did everything in her power (and succeeded) to prevent me and my father having any kind of relationship.

Don't have kids with this angry man. It's never too late to divorce.

A man that has one foot out of the door before his child is even born was never going to make a good partner.

This is the sad reality for children in these situations. Children should be allowed to climb into their parents bed for a cuddle in the morning.

Ofcourse you should leave someone that speaks to you like that. But the likelyhood is that you'll expect he will change, and bring more children into the dynamic that then will be blocked from a normal childhood when the next partner steps into your shoes.

I'd want my 5 year old to know they can get in my bed in the mornings. Any adults who don't like that should vacate the bed.

He doesn’t seem like much of a catch @Identify you had to live with his mum because he wasn’t working and couldn’t afford your own place. You’re working full time and still feel your privacy is being compromised in your own home. When you bring up any needs your DH gaslights you into feeling selfish and trying to break up his bond with his son. He could for example put a double bed in his son’s room and watch tv in bed with him there. His son wanted him to get up and make him breakfast, YOU wanted a little more sleep, so did DH and wanted son to get into bed for a little while for more snooze time and took it out on you that he had to get out of bed. Instead of thinking he should leave you to sleep in and quietly get up and make son breakfast he turned it into you being difficult but really it was he was feeling resentful that it was him who had to get up and he swore at you.
Of course a 5 year old wants to get into bed with his parent but he could get into his sons bed to watch tv and let you have some privacy when you get home from work and actually get up when his son is hungry. If your DH had any consideration towards you and his son he wouldn’t be swearing and making an atmosphere whilst the boy was in the house. It wasn’t that you didn’t want dss to get into your bed for cuddles in the morning it was that you didn’t want to be disturbed by them talking and waking you up.

So you think a man who is abusive to his wife because she isn’t happy about his child sleeping with them is a great role model for that child?
The appropriate thing to do is to have the conversation out of earshot of the child, and agree to what the boundaries are. If either party cannot accept those boundaries then they should agree the relationship is over.

I think it's understandable to snap when you feel like someone is trying to fuck with your parent/child relationship.

No, you’re excusing a man’s abuse here. It’s never understandable to be abusive towards your partner, especially in front of a child. All that is doing is teaching the child that it’s ok to be abusive.

But it wouldn’t be ‘your’ bed in this scenario, would it? It’s not his bed. It’s their bed.

it is the bed where at least one of my child's parent sleeps. That's all that matters.

I mean, it absolutely isn’t all that matters in any way, but OK.

Is to me.

Husband can get up and get into son’s bed or get up and make him breakfast, whilst having some consideration for his wife too. The trouble is DH expects his own needs to be priority. He lost his job early into the relationship, they moved into his mum’s and @Identify worked full time and he expects women to cater to his needs and gets angry when they bring up their own needs. He’s using his son as a weapon to gaslight her that she is selfish and trying to come between his bond with his son. All OP is asking for is some consideration in their own home too.

She can get out of bed if she doesn't like his young child getting in his dad's bed.