DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

[Identify]

DSS5 is 5, joint custody.

When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year.

Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish.

Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored.

I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?

i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing?

aibu?

Great parenting!

The issue is the way your dh reacted @Identify
Throwing things and swearing at you is not acceptable and doing it in front of a young child even more so.
Are you going to tolerate that?

Yes. Fiercely defending your parent/chukd relationship against an interfering, disruptive partner is great parenting! You follow that up by kicking them the fuck out of your lives.

Do not have a child with this man if you find this so hard already.

Your DH shouldn't be shouting or swearing at you ever, for any reason.

But in terms of bed sharing, whilst I understand your discomfort (and honestly wouldn't want to share a bed with any child other than my own), hell would freeze over before I told my 5 year old he couldn't come into my bed whenever he wanted. I strongly believe that children can benefit from help regulating as a normal part of development and the freedom to sleep with their parents when they are sad, scared, or just want a hug is really good for emotional stability and development. I'd put this before any adult relationship because my children are, naturally, my main priority.

On a practical level, this would probably mean that, if I split from his dad, I wouldn't live with a new partner as I'd also be uncomfortable with him being in bed with an unrelated adult 🤷‍♀️.

Is there an option to have two adult bedrooms? One where you can sleep without disruption, have sex etc. and one where your stepson is welcome?

The lazy father could just get up and get his child the breakfast he requested instead of forcing @Identify to be uncomfortable, his child to be hungry and subject them both to his abuse.

@Identify This man has no respect for you. Why are you parenting his child when he doesn't?

Make sure you don't get pregnant.

The child should be welcome in his parents bed in the mornings.

It’s not her child though ?

Not his parents. His dad can go sleep in the double bed with his child.

It is his parent's bed. OP can get up since she is uncomfortable with it. Child comes first.

@Identifyyou’re getting hammered on here because you’re a step mother. I agree with you. My own child never shared my bed and I wouldn’t be sharing with someone else’s child.
Also , I wouldn’t be spoken to like that.

@Identify shouldn't be put out of her bed for a child that has his own double bed in his own room. Father wanted a morning cuddle he gets in the child's bed. She's the one that worked to provide the house. She's entitled to one child free private space in her own home.

Don't think that's a thing when you've agreed to co-parent a child .

And that’s because in the “order of general importance” a child comes before an adult woman. So I think that yes, most people would hope that a man would put his child’s desires before those of his current partner.

Oh dear its not going to work, is it.

And she does perform parental duties. She just wants one boundary of not having the child in her bed. Husband refuses that boundary and abuses her instead. You're defending him.

I’m a step mum and don’t allow children in my bed either. My mum and dad always kept their bedroom private when I was growing up and I’m of the same view now as the adult.
children can have cuddles but it shouldn’t have to be in the marital bed. I know people will think I’m old fashioned but that’s my views.

The child's desire was breakfast.

This.

Your husbands reaction was totally out of order (I'd divorce mine if he threw stuff at me and told me to fuck off) but you are also being a bit odd. It's normal for small kids to come and climb in the parents bed for a quick cuddle. He's not sleeping in your bed or in your room.

Instead of hammering the step parent we should be asking why a parent with a baby/toddler/ young child feels the need to invite an unrelated person into their bed and lives when they co sleep any percentage of the night. He didn’t want to be alone/ deserved to be loved etc but the needs of the child are of no consequence then! I would not be comfortable with my child sharing a bed with a step parent and think it’s selfish that the parents needs are more important than the safety and well being of the parents. It’s easy to troll the step parent on here but what about the actual parent themselves?

I hope you protected your assets and all the hard work you did saving for this house. Also, don’t get pregnant. This man is not a good one. Your red flag was him calling you selfish for not wanting to do his parenting for him. These types are always looking for a nanny with a fanny, preferably one who can house them and pay the bills while they throw their weight around and emotionally blackmail you for not being appropriately motherly (ie not a proper woman or worthy of boundaries or respect in her own right).

I thought you were being fairly reasonable until you complained about him cuddling his child in bed in the morning, after being asleep in his own bed all night. Both my girls get into bed with us for cuddles in the morning. Thats a you problem