Page 7 | DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

Identify · 2026-10-13T07:03:14+00:00

DSS5 is 5, joint custody. When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year. Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish. Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored. I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him. Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out? i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing? aibu?

Tryagain26 · 13/10/2026 13:38

So he isn't sleeping in your bed he is coming in for a cuddle in the morning when he wakes up. He is only 5 that's perfectly natural and sweet and something that happens in many families.
Maybe you should reconsider your relationship as it doesn't sound as though being a step parent is working for you

Dweetfidilove · 13/10/2026 13:40

Identify · 13/10/2026 12:24

Okay I feel that a lot of people think I’m unreasonable. That’s fair.

My issue is that it’s been discussed so many times. He initially agreed with it, but then does things that go against it. I understand he’s his child, and that bond must be extremely strong and above all else. But, I ask for one thing. I was a stepchild and I wasn’t allowed in my parents’s bed. That might have been because it was my mums and stepdads bed, rather than stepmother.

I feel like I’m being positioned by DH to always trip up - if I say anything about bed sharing it’s seen as a complete rejection of his son. I’ve been in DSSs life for over half of it. I have no intention of rejecting him or making him feel like he’s not welcome - of course he is. My issue is that the bed I share with my partner remains our bed - we were both undressed after being intimate last night, as there was an understanding that DSS doesn’t come into the bed.

Everything I say is a way for DH to threaten me with consequences for future children - if I say, let’s eat with a fork “when we have a child they’ll be made to eat with a fork”, if I say no we can sweets after tea “I hope you’re this consistent with your own child” - I think they’re perfectly reasonable things to say.

He seems to expect me to be a parent but to have no say in how things are done - fair enough, he’s his dad, but when it’s convenient I’m “mum”.

I think we do need to have a proper conversation - neither of us is happy with the way things are and I think it means we’re not compatible. There’s already anger from him about the way I see things, and so it will just get worse. He can’t be expected to forego his desires with his son, and I can’t put him in the position to do so.

Do you really want children with a man who is planning their 'punishment '?

Tryagain26 · 13/10/2026 13:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2026 08:09

The only time people on MN defend a woman being told to fuck off by a man who’s throwing bedding is when that woman is a stepmum.

The husband definitely overreacted but OP is also wrong to think that the child shouldn't come into the bed in the morning

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 13/10/2026 13:44

I can’t believe the number of people that would be happy with their 5 year old getting into bed with a naked unrelated adult! Crazy!

oatsotoga · 13/10/2026 13:48

Identify · 13/10/2026 12:24

Okay I feel that a lot of people think I’m unreasonable. That’s fair.

My issue is that it’s been discussed so many times. He initially agreed with it, but then does things that go against it. I understand he’s his child, and that bond must be extremely strong and above all else. But, I ask for one thing. I was a stepchild and I wasn’t allowed in my parents’s bed. That might have been because it was my mums and stepdads bed, rather than stepmother.

I feel like I’m being positioned by DH to always trip up - if I say anything about bed sharing it’s seen as a complete rejection of his son. I’ve been in DSSs life for over half of it. I have no intention of rejecting him or making him feel like he’s not welcome - of course he is. My issue is that the bed I share with my partner remains our bed - we were both undressed after being intimate last night, as there was an understanding that DSS doesn’t come into the bed.

Everything I say is a way for DH to threaten me with consequences for future children - if I say, let’s eat with a fork “when we have a child they’ll be made to eat with a fork”, if I say no we can sweets after tea “I hope you’re this consistent with your own child” - I think they’re perfectly reasonable things to say.

He seems to expect me to be a parent but to have no say in how things are done - fair enough, he’s his dad, but when it’s convenient I’m “mum”.

I think we do need to have a proper conversation - neither of us is happy with the way things are and I think it means we’re not compatible. There’s already anger from him about the way I see things, and so it will just get worse. He can’t be expected to forego his desires with his son, and I can’t put him in the position to do so.

I can see both sides of this arguement. I am a mum and loved morning cuddles in bed with children, they are now 17 DS and 19DD and are too old but i miss it.

I am also a step mum DSS 13 and DSD 10 and DSD will still get in bed for a cuddle. I have been in her life since she was 4 and we are close, DH has 50/50 with his ex so DSC are here a lot. As she has got older it does feel a bit uncomfortable at times and more inappropriate and have spoken to DH about it.

In your update you say you were naked having been intimate the night before - I would absolutely not be comfortable having DSC in bed with me while naked! This would be a no go and I am sure DSS mum would hit the roof if she found out.

DH actions were wildly inappropriate, he should not be throwing things because you are sharing how uncomfortable you are with something. Particularly being naked around an unrelated child.

hamsterchump · 13/10/2026 14:04

Identify · 13/10/2026 12:24

Okay I feel that a lot of people think I’m unreasonable. That’s fair.

My issue is that it’s been discussed so many times. He initially agreed with it, but then does things that go against it. I understand he’s his child, and that bond must be extremely strong and above all else. But, I ask for one thing. I was a stepchild and I wasn’t allowed in my parents’s bed. That might have been because it was my mums and stepdads bed, rather than stepmother.

I feel like I’m being positioned by DH to always trip up - if I say anything about bed sharing it’s seen as a complete rejection of his son. I’ve been in DSSs life for over half of it. I have no intention of rejecting him or making him feel like he’s not welcome - of course he is. My issue is that the bed I share with my partner remains our bed - we were both undressed after being intimate last night, as there was an understanding that DSS doesn’t come into the bed.

Everything I say is a way for DH to threaten me with consequences for future children - if I say, let’s eat with a fork “when we have a child they’ll be made to eat with a fork”, if I say no we can sweets after tea “I hope you’re this consistent with your own child” - I think they’re perfectly reasonable things to say.

He seems to expect me to be a parent but to have no say in how things are done - fair enough, he’s his dad, but when it’s convenient I’m “mum”.

I think we do need to have a proper conversation - neither of us is happy with the way things are and I think it means we’re not compatible. There’s already anger from him about the way I see things, and so it will just get worse. He can’t be expected to forego his desires with his son, and I can’t put him in the position to do so.

GET OUT NOW. Do not have a child with this man, leave him. You have been recruited as a nanny with a fanny and now he's upset that you're not performing your role as his DS's new mother but younger, sexier and more compliant. He will only get worse if you have a child with him.

Leave and find someone lovely without children to start a new family, don't settle for someone else's cast off.

Childless step parents always end up at the bottom of the heap, a glorified cash machine or domestic drudge with sex on tap, never allowed to complain about anything. All of the responsibility of parenting with absolutely none of the rights and universally hated by the ex spouses. Any child you have with this man will end up bottom of the heap with you, don't do this to them, they deserve a real family of their own, not half someone else's failure.

Read the step parents forum on here, your tale is as old as time.

TFImBackIn · 13/10/2026 14:18

There's absolutely no way I'd have a baby with this man. He's told you to fuck off and threw a pillow at you - it doesn't matter who's right or wrong over the bed, he shouldn't do that to you.

Choosing the right man to have children with is the biggest decision you'll ever make - choose the wrong man and unhappiness lies ahead at every turn. Get out now while you can.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 13/10/2026 14:34

Despite what almost everyone on this thread is telling you OP, having "cuddles" in bed with your child(ren) ISN'T compulsory, isn't cruel to the child if you prefer not to allow it and isn't ubiquitous among the entire population.

Your partner is a twat BTW

CelticSilver · 13/10/2026 14:53

Marry in haste ... and all that.

BriarTime · 13/10/2026 21:52

KaleidoscopeSmile · 13/10/2026 14:34

Despite what almost everyone on this thread is telling you OP, having "cuddles" in bed with your child(ren) ISN'T compulsory, isn't cruel to the child if you prefer not to allow it and isn't ubiquitous among the entire population.

Your partner is a twat BTW

Exactly. The histrionic response from some people has been astonishing. OP said she didn’t want the little one coming into her bed, not that she wanted him to go and live in the shed. But I think her latest update just shows that this whole thing is less about his love for his child than it is about getting OP to do his parenting.

BriarTime · 13/10/2026 21:58

hamsterchump · 13/10/2026 14:04

GET OUT NOW. Do not have a child with this man, leave him. You have been recruited as a nanny with a fanny and now he's upset that you're not performing your role as his DS's new mother but younger, sexier and more compliant. He will only get worse if you have a child with him.

Leave and find someone lovely without children to start a new family, don't settle for someone else's cast off.

Childless step parents always end up at the bottom of the heap, a glorified cash machine or domestic drudge with sex on tap, never allowed to complain about anything. All of the responsibility of parenting with absolutely none of the rights and universally hated by the ex spouses. Any child you have with this man will end up bottom of the heap with you, don't do this to them, they deserve a real family of their own, not half someone else's failure.

Read the step parents forum on here, your tale is as old as time.

Show quote history

As someone who had a truly hellish stepmother, and who won’t hesitate to call out a bad stepparent, what really strikes me about this thread is the pearl clutching over such an innocuous boundary. Honestly, if this is how they react when a woman wants her marital bed to be a private space the stuff I could tell them would make their heads explode.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · Yesterday 12:29

BriarTime · 13/10/2026 21:52

Exactly. The histrionic response from some people has been astonishing. OP said she didn’t want the little one coming into her bed, not that she wanted him to go and live in the shed. But I think her latest update just shows that this whole thing is less about his love for his child than it is about getting OP to do his parenting.

Show quote history

Tell me you don't have your own children without telling me...

Laura95167 · Yesterday 18:20

A 7am snuggle isnt the same as sleeping in your bed. And you told the child he wasnt welcome in front of him. Awful.

Team DH

August1980 · Yesterday 18:55

cbbo · 13/10/2026 08:18

I love nothing more than cuddling DD in my bed. Your being very unreasonable

me too!

Hayley1256 · Yesterday 19:01

I can see you not wanting to share a bed all night but a child coming into a parent's bed for morning cuddles is a perfectly normal and loving thing!

Iamgettingolderandgrumpier · Yesterday 19:13

hamsterchump · 13/10/2026 14:04

GET OUT NOW. Do not have a child with this man, leave him. You have been recruited as a nanny with a fanny and now he's upset that you're not performing your role as his DS's new mother but younger, sexier and more compliant. He will only get worse if you have a child with him.

Leave and find someone lovely without children to start a new family, don't settle for someone else's cast off.

Childless step parents always end up at the bottom of the heap, a glorified cash machine or domestic drudge with sex on tap, never allowed to complain about anything. All of the responsibility of parenting with absolutely none of the rights and universally hated by the ex spouses. Any child you have with this man will end up bottom of the heap with you, don't do this to them, they deserve a real family of their own, not half someone else's failure.

Read the step parents forum on here, your tale is as old as time.

Show quote history

Totally agree with this comments and many others. End this relationship now. Make sure you don’t get pregnant. This man has issues annd the issue isn’t DSS sharing a bed with you, it’s the way this man is treating you.

MissSold · Yesterday 19:18

Try to see it from the child’s perspective. Poor lamb.

Mumofoneandone · Yesterday 19:20

In a reverse situation how would the dad feel if his son climbed into bed with his mum and stepdad in a state of undress?

MammarOfOne · Yesterday 19:33

Now not sharing a bed to sleep is absolutely fine, I agree that bedtime should be for you both.

but just having a cuddle or watching TV in bed is totally different, that can be a wonderful time to bond with your children but I’ll be honest, I don’t think that you and your husband are going to last if he’s being like this and calling future children ‘YOUR CHILD’.

My friend is married to a man like this and he treats his first child like she’s the second coming of Jesus and pretty much ignores his child with my friend.
My friend is expected to parent SC when he’s not there but isn’t allowed to actually have an opinion or reprimand her when she’s naughty and it’s definitely putting a huge strain on the household.

TheLifeOfReily · Yesterday 19:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2026 08:09

The only time people on MN defend a woman being told to fuck off by a man who’s throwing bedding is when that woman is a stepmum.

So true. So sad, but so true.

Noodlesfordinner · Yesterday 19:48

Identify · 13/10/2026 12:24

Okay I feel that a lot of people think I’m unreasonable. That’s fair.

My issue is that it’s been discussed so many times. He initially agreed with it, but then does things that go against it. I understand he’s his child, and that bond must be extremely strong and above all else. But, I ask for one thing. I was a stepchild and I wasn’t allowed in my parents’s bed. That might have been because it was my mums and stepdads bed, rather than stepmother.

I feel like I’m being positioned by DH to always trip up - if I say anything about bed sharing it’s seen as a complete rejection of his son. I’ve been in DSSs life for over half of it. I have no intention of rejecting him or making him feel like he’s not welcome - of course he is. My issue is that the bed I share with my partner remains our bed - we were both undressed after being intimate last night, as there was an understanding that DSS doesn’t come into the bed.

Everything I say is a way for DH to threaten me with consequences for future children - if I say, let’s eat with a fork “when we have a child they’ll be made to eat with a fork”, if I say no we can sweets after tea “I hope you’re this consistent with your own child” - I think they’re perfectly reasonable things to say.

He seems to expect me to be a parent but to have no say in how things are done - fair enough, he’s his dad, but when it’s convenient I’m “mum”.

I think we do need to have a proper conversation - neither of us is happy with the way things are and I think it means we’re not compatible. There’s already anger from him about the way I see things, and so it will just get worse. He can’t be expected to forego his desires with his son, and I can’t put him in the position to do so.

I haven’t read other people’s responses here so this might have already been said, but I think on this specific matters there’s plenty of scope for compromise. Him not sleeping / lounging in your bed excessively is a fair boundary, but him not getting a two minute cuddle in the morning is a bit harsh, he’s still only small.

i do think there is more here though in terms of both your approaches. You also say you married when the child was two, which suggests you met when he was super young or not yet born (not ideal) and got married in a relatively short space of time, then were thrown into an also not ideal living situation. I think you have some work to do as a couple, which I hope you can get through, but definitely don’t be bringing another child into the mix for the foreseeable!

wildnwilde · Yesterday 19:50

I think I'd her was sleeping in your bed or room fair enough but just having a cuddle with his dad of a morning is fine .

tooloololoo · Yesterday 19:59

You’re very unreasonable
it’s very normal for a child to want to be in bed with their parent

TheBlueKoala · Yesterday 20:02

@Identify Not a stepmum but I agree with you. People seem to have missed that dss didn't come asking for a cuddle but for breakfast and to play. Your dh could have left with him and let you sleep but was too lazy to get up. I'm a morning person and my dh is not so I have always gotten up to let dh catch up on sleep. I think your dh is rude and selfish; he should let you sleep and it's unacceptable to talk to you in that way. He can have all the cuddles he want in his son's bed.

JJWT · Yesterday 20:02

Lexibletheflexible · 13/10/2026 08:12

Or when she tries to come between him and his kid.

Show quote history

Not acceptable at all. She's not coming between them. She didn't say no cuddling. She said no cuddling IN MY BED. What if she sleeps naked? HE'S NOT HER CHILD. If she said you cannot go to your child for a cuddle IN HIS OWN BEDROOM, then you would have a point. When i was divorced if I had let my little girls get in bed with me and my new partner, my ex h would have hit the bloody roof. The boundaries OP is trying to establish and maintain are very reasonable.