DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

[Identify]

DSS5 is 5, joint custody.

When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year.

Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish.

Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored.

I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?

i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing?

aibu?

HE DIDN'T WANT TO CUDDLE. He asked for breakfast but lazy dad didn't want to get up so took him into bed even though OP was naked. Then told her to fuck off because she wasn't happy. Rtft

Cuddling in the morning is fine, sleeping in your bed all night not so much. If he agreed to not share the bed with him then it's up to him to hold up his end of the bargain.

However, you having to bring it up again with him as he's point blank ignoring this agreement, and his response being to swear at you and throw things across the room is the biggest red flag. Not to mention you not tending to HIS son apparently making YOU "selfish", and not him who chose to have that same child, with someone else.

This behaviour doesn't go away and only gets worse. Leave now. Sounds like he was dating you while his ex was pregnant or postpartum which tells you everything you need to know about the type of person he is anyway. You're unhappy, he's abusive and uncooperative, get out now. This relationship sounds like it was a headache from the start and will only develop into a migraine, if not worse.

She probably shouldn't sleep naked when there is a young child who will be climbing into bed for a cuddle with his father like most young kids do.

He seems to expect me to be a parent but to have no say in how things are done - fair enough, he’s his dad, but when it’s convenient I’m “mum”.

This is the issue. If you are mum then you get a say and if you're not then he can't expect you to act like one with school runs, child care etc.

Which leads me on to how come you ended up getting married with SS was only two. Thats a very quick turnaround between meeting the childs mum, having a baby, splitting up, meeting someone else and getting married. So I wonder if he wanted you there because otherwise he would have to do it all himself. You wouldnt be the first Nanny with a Fanny that a man has married and you sure as hell wont be the last. How long were you together before you got married?

You were married when dss was 2? Crikey, he doesn't wait around does he? I will never understand how any sane woman would not only date, but marry a man with such a young child.

I think you have come to the right conclusion @Identify . He sounds dreadful. Couldn't be arsed getting up with his child so tried getting him into bed with you while you were both naked? Lovely.

Is he working now? Full time? I'm going to hazard a guess that you weren't having much luck on the dating scene and got pulled into a false sense of security because he presented himself as a 'family man'. You rushed into it and are now realising you ended up with a garden variety inadequate man who expects you to parent his child but not have an opinion.

Fuck that in a house you pay at least half of. I bet you put in more than half though. Just a hunch.

I think you raise fair points.

Mostly I think you really need to contemplate your future with this man. He is already showing you how bad things could be if you have a child together- he will constantly be comparing how you are with dss and your child, sounds like he won’t communicate it well with you either.

I haven’t read what others have said but I worry this man is with you for convenience as much as love - he has a carer for his child and you obviously bring in £££.

Please think hard about your future, you deserve to be happy.

If you married when dss was two, sounds like he walked away from his previous relationship when either the child was a baby or before he was born which suggests he is no prince amongst men.

Yes the OP is describing 2 different things here.

The marriage sounds toxic.
Your husband treats you badly, swearing at you like that in front of his young child is disgusting.
The comments about him hoping your this consistent when it's your own child are just unnecessary. I'm getting the impression that he is a bully.
You comment, please can we not do the bed sharing thing was completely unnecessary. You weren't doing the bed sharing thing. Dad was wanting a cuddle with his son at 7am, who had slept in his own bed overnight.
Neither of you should sleep naked with a five year old child in the house. There's always the possibility that a young child will come into your room,they could have a bad dream or feel unwell overnight and come looking for their parent/ try and get into bed with them. Our dc used to do this at aged 5.
I don't see how this marriage is going to work.

You have to be a strong team to survive having children. When you disagree, there still needs to be mutual respect otherwise resentment grows. He doesn’t seem to even respect you now.

I strongly suspect he would try to oversee and control your parenting if you have your own child together, as he’s the “expert, having already had a child”. Having children tests a relationship as they grow up and the parents discover their own opinions about how to parent. It doesn’t sound like he would suddenly change and treat you any better. Sorry 💐

I was on a thread the other day where a very very stressed carer who's dad was dying was given a massively hard time for her throwing something while arguing with her mum. That's the part most people fixated on and said was abuse.

Here, it's about being a bad step mum. Sigh!
Throwing stuff, being told to fuck off? What a cock. However, there is a massive difference of your step son sleeping in your bed and a cuddle in the morning. Saying that, I don't think I'd like it either but I wake up grumpy until I've had a cuppa. Think going to have to cut some slack on this one, he's only young. Soon enough he wouldn't want a cuddle in the morning. I don't think they should be watching TV in bed - take the TV out the room.

Gosh this is hard. He should be allowed to cuddle his child in bed, but it’s a bit odd to have an unrelated child in bed with you.

I just feel so sorry for children in this situation, this really shows how someone else never loves you like your own parents.

A cuddle in bed in the morning is very different to sleeping in room /bed all night

you over reacted

Tho not sure why you had to settle him in the night. It’s his child - surely he wanted dad

I think you are completely wrong. And if you do have children (whether his or another) you will want that child in your bed. Whether it’s to sleep or for a cuddle.

My daughter, just turned 4, sleeping our bed. I was wanting her in her own room by Christmas, even if it’s just few hours before she wakes. My husband says he is happy to wait longer because he loves her snuggles and the cute thing she says and does in her sleep. The room needs plastering and he is building an en-suite in it, so it isn’t like I could just do it. And the truth is I really don’t mind. It won’t be long before she is grown so we will enjoy it all now.

Your husband is missing out on time so of course he wants him close.

This marriage is doomed. Your DH shows many red flags.

You were very unwise to marry someone when they had only just had a child with someone else. That was WAY too rushed.

You're both incompatible. The way he speaks to you, manipulates you, it is all just red flag behaviour.

Please do not have a child with him - ever. Set yourself free, he'll never improve.