DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

[Identify]

DSS5 is 5, joint custody.

When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year.

Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish.

Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored.

I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?

i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing?

aibu?

Okay I feel that a lot of people think I’m unreasonable. That’s fair.

My issue is that it’s been discussed so many times. He initially agreed with it, but then does things that go against it. I understand he’s his child, and that bond must be extremely strong and above all else. But, I ask for one thing. I was a stepchild and I wasn’t allowed in my parents’s bed. That might have been because it was my mums and stepdads bed, rather than stepmother.

I feel like I’m being positioned by DH to always trip up - if I say anything about bed sharing it’s seen as a complete rejection of his son. I’ve been in DSSs life for over half of it. I have no intention of rejecting him or making him feel like he’s not welcome - of course he is. My issue is that the bed I share with my partner remains our bed - we were both undressed after being intimate last night, as there was an understanding that DSS doesn’t come into the bed.

Everything I say is a way for DH to threaten me with consequences for future children - if I say, let’s eat with a fork “when we have a child they’ll be made to eat with a fork”, if I say no we can sweets after tea “I hope you’re this consistent with your own child” - I think they’re perfectly reasonable things to say.

He seems to expect me to be a parent but to have no say in how things are done - fair enough, he’s his dad, but when it’s convenient I’m “mum”.

I think we do need to have a proper conversation - neither of us is happy with the way things are and I think it means we’re not compatible. There’s already anger from him about the way I see things, and so it will just get worse. He can’t be expected to forego his desires with his son, and I can’t put him in the position to do so.

Thanks for the judgement, which I couldn't care less about.

But I know I am fucking fantastic parent 😁

When my STBXH left me for his new partner, DS was still co-sleeping. I have expressed no other opinions about his relationship, which is largely none of my business, except for communicating a very clear boundary that under no circumstances is my vulnerable child with SEND to share a bed with an unrelated adult. This really should not be controversial.

That's secondary to the more fundamental issues in this relationship, OP. Double up on your contraception and really seriously consider whether this is right for you.

I'm a strict no-kids-in-the-bed mother, but that only applies to the night (or when they're wearing their day clothes and are therefore dirty). In the morning, albeit at a sociable time, it's fine when they come into the room and want to lie down... even if it is for a minute before they bounce away.

I absolutely don’t think you are being unreasonable. And I would be seriously rethinking my relationship if I were you.

Think long and hard about whether this should be the rest of your life.

I'm surprised so many think you're being unresonable. Surely OP is entitled to some privacy.
I wonder what posters would be saying if this was a little 5 year old girl getting into bed with her mum and step dad.

Op, this man is giving off clear signals that if you are unwise enough to have a child with him your life is going to get harder and more unpleasant.

You and incompatible. He wants you to treat his son as your own, and you don't wish to do that. His son will always come first - as he should. Life's too short!

@Identify things aren’t going to get any better with this man and his one up manship with any future children. He sounds like he’s spoiling for a row or crossed words at every opportunity. Look after yourself and your own peace, I don’t think this man will bring you happiness.

OP it’s interesting that you seem more fussed about your bed/privacy than your DH being abusive!

I’m biased, my bed is communal 🙄but only my DH, DC and cat are allowed on/in our bed. getting in my bed.

However he’s only little and had so much change.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in feeling this way, but I think you are being unreasonable in wanting DSS to make the adjustment for your comfort.

In any case your DH sounds shit - no way could I deal with his abusive approach. Definitely don’t get pregnant - he’s already putting you and potential DC against DSS, it won’t be a happy family at all.

My DS is almost 21.

one of the things I most miss is the toddler snuggles in bed. It’s wholly inappropriate now, but if I could have a repeat of one more day I could choose, it would be with him as a toddler and include me snuggling him in my bed.

@Identify i do understand how you feel, because this child isn’t yours, and I would feel the same as it goes, but your H is being a good parent to his child. You have to let him do this. It will be over in the blink of an eye and you don’t want him resenting you for this.

First things first shelve any plans to bring brother child into this situation, it would be unfair on the child until at least you guys figure things out.

And frankly women need to stop getting involved with men who already have kids, period. The drama and stress in not worth it to me.

And while I can see his point about cuddling in bed because that's different from the not sleeping in the same bed which was what you started with, his reaction cursing you and throwing stuff is absolutely unacceptable and needs to be addressed or you walk away. That's not the way to handle conflict in a marriage.

What makes is so difficult is that neither of you are wrong.

I think it is really sad for a young child if they are not allowed in their parents bed. You mention that you weren't allowed in your mum and stepdads bed so this is clearly what you are used to but having had a child who was frequently in my bed I personally think it can be damaging not to be allowed to come and go in their parents bed as required. If a step-parent isn't comfortable with it then in my mind they either get up when the child turns up or sleep in separate bedrooms. If the child isn't with you 100% of the time then this seems the best solution to me. You mention in your OP that "I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him". Maybe it is just the way you have worded it but it doesn't really sound like you actually love him like you would your own child. Lots of people might say that is normal but what about adoptive parents who love their children like they were their own? I don't really see how a relationship with a parent of a young child can work unless that child becomes like one of your own (with the caveat that they usually have another parents who's wants are also considered). It's different if they are older but you must have been in DSS's life since before he was 2.

I’d agree with this. There isn’t a person, man or woman, who would have prevented me from having my little boy in bed with me whenever he chose to. Not one and anyone expecting it would have had to make their own sleeping arrangements. But, OP can’t be expected to feel the same. There are things, I believe, that cannot be compromised on, and this is one of them.

Tbh OP this stems back to the early days of your marriage ‘I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish’. That IMO was the huge red flag and the time to push back. It’s going to be much harder now.
Are you happy in this relationship? You don’t sound it! Is there wonderful stuff outside this specific problem to offset this behaviour?
I tend to agree with others that getting into bed 1st thing at 5 I would expected and welcome. But the point is 1/ he agreed not to and 2/ he swore at you when you asked him to keep his word. I suspect also he does it less out of love than to get you involved in parenting his child asap.
He is being unreasonable expecting you to parent his child but then feeling free to undermine you at any opportunity. Tbh, in your position (no children yet, appear to be if not the main earner then able to support yourself financially) I would seriously consider if I wanted children with him ever. You know the second you have that baby, 100% of childcare for DSS will fall to you. He won’t even make a token effort anymore.
If you do think the relationship is salvageable, I would consider what changes and boundaries you need about how he may speak to you and to encourage the behaviour I expect. I would be less available to parent his son and expect him to step up. I’d tell him openly: when I try to get involved in a parent role you undermine me so I’m not willing to do it. I understand, he is not mine to instruct, this is why you need to do it. Let him try to guilt trip you. Stand your ground.
If DSS continues to come into your bed, I’d simply decamp to the spare room under the guise that I wanted to continue to sleep. Or if he is in your bed watching a film and you want to sleep, sleep in the spare room. I think you need a very strong dose of doing what you need to live an happy life and letting your DH call you selfish, uncaring etc etc and just going ahead and doing what you need anyway. Let him be angry and disappointed, he will have to adjust to a new normal.

I’m sure the cuddles in bed thing can be worked out. The child may not want it anyway, as he grows older. But I’m rather more concerned that you don’t seem upset by your DH telling you to fuck off and throwing something at you, in front of the child. To me, that is the far bigger issue. Does he have a temper? Is this usual behaviour or was it totally out of the ordinary?

I was on your DH side from the title until I read your DS has a double bed. They can bed share in your DS room (assuming the issue is your bed not him sharing with his son because you are v v v unreasonable if so). But tbh the bed sharing issue seems a bit redundant you are both really incompatible and should not have a child together

I can’t believe you’ve been letting him get away with this treatment tbh. he sounds very manipulative and when you speak up he resorts to anger to intimidate you into going along with whatever he wants.

Does he ever compromise for you?

Of course he can cuddle his child in bed. I stayed single when mine were young so there wasn’t someone else saying stuff like this. You should have never married.

The more you post, the more I feel that your relationship is doomed.
Do not get pregnant.

Personally I think it’s inappropriate. It was a red line for me and my DH accepted that.

if he wants a cuddle, your DH can go get in DSS bed.

also the child is 5. what if you want to cosleep with your own child when they’re a baby, like many people do because it’s the only way to get any sleep? are you going to be forbidden out of spite and then forced to get up and resettle a baby in another room every 2 hrs because “you didn’t want DSS in your bed.”

The issue to resolve here is the overriding power dynamics. Are you constantly expected to defer to him? if so, you have a very difficult future ahead of you.

Exactly this. There are boundaries. He should not be expecting his wife to accept a child that isn’t hers invading her sleep space. They can cuddle in DS bed or the sofa.