DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

[Identify]

DSS5 is 5, joint custody.

When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year.

Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish.

Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored.

I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?

i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing?

aibu?

Come on having a cuddle in the morning at 7 AM before the day starts is not the same as sharing a bed all night.

Your partner shouldn’t have sworn at you and in front of his small child is even worse. That would be a big no from me. Is he usually like that?

However a small child getting into bed in the morning for a few minutes for a cuddle is normal and actually a really lovely part of parenting. If it was all night, every night then I could understand but a few minutes in the morning is just a standard part of family life for most and you as the adult chose to be in his life, he had no choice in the matter.

Totally agree. I think you have a DH problem, not a DSS problem. Let the sleeping in bed go. Do you have a spare room? Go in there when DSS gets into your bed / sleeps in your room. The dark is frightening for many kids and they want the comfort of a parent's bed. That's totally normal. But, your DH expecting you to get up when DSS cries in the night is totally unreasonable (that's his job), as is his behaviour towards you, and the behaviour he is modelling for his young child.

First off, don't get pregnant by him

I think there’s a big difference between him sleeping in your bed and climbing in for a cuddle in the morning. I have DSS and when the youngest was 5/6 he’d often get in to our bed in the morning to cuddle his dad and chat. That never bothered me at all.
I would have drawn the line at sleeping in our bed though, as I did with my own DC. That’s just personal preference though.

On another note….if my DH spoke to me like that I wouldn’t be sharing a bed with him either.

I don't think coming into bed for a cuddle at 7am is "bed sharing". I was with you at first thinking it was all night. For what it's worth, my ex's DDs used to come into our bed for a cuddle in the morning. I thought it was quite sweet and made us feel like a little family.

His behaviour (the swearing and throwing) should be a big fat clue as to why he isn't with DSS mum any more.

Your behaviour (refusing to allow very normal aspects of parenting a small child) shows that you are not ready /the right person to be a step mother

So DSS wanted to go downstairs and have is breakfast but his father decided to make him get in the bed?

So essentially DSS didn’t even WANT to be in the bed, he wanted your DH to get up and make him breakfast.
I can see why you were annoyed.
Having said that, it’s one of those things that passes. In a few years it won’t happen anymore, so the question really is whether you can put up with it.

Having said that, sleeping in the bed all night is a definite NO.

First of all he shouldn’t be swearing at you and throwing things, I would be talking to him about this first and foremost.
His son coming in for a cuddle first thing in the morning is totally different to sharing a bed all night, you were unreasonable to bring up the bed sharing topic at that moment for this reason.
The solution would be for your husband to make the second bedroom the alternative space for sleeping, pop a tv in there and they can chill out at bedtime and go to sleep in there, co sleeping in there if that is your husbands preference.
If he comes into your room in the night your husband should take him back to his room and jump into bed in there so you don’t keep getting disturbed.
Im slightly biased as my 6 year old creeps in with us in the middle of the night, and one of us gets up and sleeps in his room.
It wouldn’t bother me as he’s not with you all the time and I certainly wouldn’t appreciate someone telling me I couldn’t have sleepy cuddles however in your situation I would be making the other room my bedroom when I had my child over.
His son is still very young for you to have met his dad and remarried etc I think you need to be mindful that he is still very young and sounds like he has been through some fairly major upheavals so far.

I suspect DH wanted a few more minutes in bed, I’ve done it myself when I just want 5 more mins before getting up, so I say jump in and let have a quick cuddle before we go have breakfast. Again totally normal in my mind(in my house anyway!).

Sleeping full night, no. A cuddle in bed in the morning (7am is actually quite late in my experience) absolutely yes! That isn’t bed sharing, that’s showing your child (or your stepchild) that you love him and are happy to see him in the morning!

If she had told me I couldn't cuddle my own child in bed for a few minutes in the morning I would have told her to fuck off too.

I’m shocked at the number of posters justifying the husbands verbal abuse in front of a child.

All of you, raise your standards

Do you not know any more appropriate words to use to speak to someone you love? Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship

So dss learns to get his own way by telling people to fuck off ?great parenting style that .
Time to move out...if he wants his rules followed he needs to live alone with his ds..
Your home you can share the rule making surely

So he’s not such a loving father that he didn’t expect the new woman to get up reflexively when the baby cried? And now he’s telling you to fuck off for having a (perfectly reasonable, actually) boundary? Yeah, no. I am more than happy to call out an unreasonable stepmother, but you’ve snagged a right bellend there.

Me and my DH have been very happily married for 25 years. We occasionally tell each other to fuck off. 😂

If we are classed as being 'verbally abusive' to one another then I couldn't give a toss. Neither of us takes it personally and within no time at all we are over it. We don't hold grudges and we move on. No biggie.

There are honestly some women on this site who think a man wiping his own arse deserves a cookie and a man being told he can’t have everything he wants is a matter for the UN.

Why would you want him in your bed, he isn’t your child. I wouldn’t want someone else’s child in my bed either, but then I wouldn’t put myself in that situation in the first place. Totally get you not wanting to have him in your bed all night as you need your sleep, but stopping a five year old having a cuddle with his dad in bed? This obviously isn’t for you.

Did you do that in front of young children?

All of this. The men with new babies out dating aren’t prizes. As the woman who shacked up with my child’s father when my baby was 4 months old found out pretty soon.

I think you probably already know the answer to that question.

But don't forget the step mum is the evil witch. Not the verbally abusive man.

Come on, you know the difference between a slightly silly and jokey fuck off in a long marriage and one said with spite by a man child who can’t be arsed to get out of bed in front of young children, in what is basically a new relationship.

Sorry @AnneLovesGilbert I quoted your post by mistake, I was replying to the poster who tells her husband to fuck off….