DSS, husband and arguments about sleeping in our bed

[Identify]

DSS5 is 5, joint custody.

When we got married DSS was 2. We lived with DHs mum as he was made redundant just after the wedding and we couldn’t afford the joint mortgage anymore. I worked full time (still do) and worked long hours in order to be able to buy again. We moved into our house in April this year.

Whilst living with his mum, there was no room for 2 bedrooms. DSS slept in a bed in our room which was, I hate to admit it, miserable. He’d wake up in the night constantly and I never got a full nights sleep. I didn’t feel like we had any privacy. When we moved into our new house, I specifically said I wasn’t comfortable for DSS to be in our bed. Reasons included it’s our space, we have sex in there, it disrupts sleep, it’s lack of boundaries, DSS mum might object, I don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him, and I want a distinction between being a stepparent and a partner - when DSS slept in the room with us, I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish.

Many times I’ve come home from work and they’ll be watching a movie in our bed or DH gets him to sleep in there. I tried not to say anything but felt like I was being ignored.

I take a proactive role in DSS life. I do school drop offs as it fits with my work pattern, I play with him everyday and generally very loving towards him. I’ve tried my best to be a loving figure to him.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room. He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?

i know i chose to be in a relationship with DH who has a child. And I think I’ve adapted and tried to show him lots of love. But I feel like I’m not allowed a say in anything. Anything I say is perceived as anti-DSS and being selfish. DH also chose to be in a relationship with someone without children, so surely there is understanding that I would feel uncomfortable about bed sharing?

aibu?

If you can’t control your tongue and would speak abusively to your partner in front of your five-year-old, you are a truly shit parent.

I don't think stepchildren have any place in the marital bed. If your DH wants to share a bed with his DS, it has to be the DS' bed.

I went on a date once with a man who bed shared with his early primary school aged children when they visited (because he chose to live in a one bedroom flat in a very expensive neighbourhood). I didn’t go on a second date with him for that, and many other, reasons. I used to work in education and have some safeguarding involvement; in my opinion bed sharing with a non-related adult is not a good idea. My husband and I often wake up with a small child in our bed but I wouldn’t be happy if we divorced and he allowed the same with a new partner. In your shoes I’d be fine if he went to co-sleep with the child in their bed or took them back to their bed for a cuddle in the morning but not for the child to come into your bed. The way he spoke to you sounds completely unacceptable too.

Does your husband often get angry and swear at you, in front of his child?

Coming in for a cuddle is not a problem. My 17 year old woke up to a disappointing email last week and crawled into my bed for comfort, so that to me is a non-issue.

I absolutely will not be sworn at, however, and it's disgusting he's modelling this behaviour to his son. Not only is he disrespectful and possibly abusive; he's setting his son up to be disrespectful to you too. I'd have a long hard think about this relationship.

We all share a bed and if I split up from my husband I would be so disappointed in him if he stopped sharing a bed (or even cuddling him in the morning!) because of a new partner. There is no way I would want my kid there half his life if he is made to feel bad for cuddling his Dad in bed. You shouldn't have married a man with a baby if you didn't want this to happen. You will have to arrange it so the boy and his Dad share a bed and you can sleep alone. The most important relationship here is theirs.

This, basically.

Another hour, another thread where I feel sorry for these young kids whose parents are no longer together.

Let the kid sit in bed and watch a movie with his dad FFS.

DH should not be swearing and throwing things around full stop.

I don't think you chose a particularly good time to comment - a cuddle in bed at 7am is very different to sleeping in there at night?

I understand why you wouldn't want to share a bed (at night!) with a child that's not yours, and the compromise that your dss has a double bed so his dad can go in there is a good one!

Choose your battles.

Night time sleep, no.

Morning cuddle, fine.

We had exactly the same with my middle son
Untill he was 12
He was constantly in our bed
Although the doctor said it was normal because of his autism
Some children need the extra closeness,some don't

Get rid of dad. Not because of cuddles but because of shitty attitude

I think you're being a bit precious about a 5yo climbing into bed for a cuddle in the morning although I think it's fine to say you don't want to share a bed with him to sleep. More to the point, it sounds like you have bigger problems when it comes to your relationship - I'd personally be far more concerned about the way he speaks to you and him chucking stuff at you.

As others have suggested, I think you and your partner need a proper conversation about expectations and each need to give a little. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to share a bed with someone else's child, but it's unreasonable to expect a parent to never have their child on the bed for a cuddle or to watch a movie. If that's a hard no for you, then it sounds like you're not compatible.

Why cant DH get into DSS bed for s cuddle? Honestly, I wouldn't want an unrelated child in my bed with me. If this was a daughter getting in to bed with mum and her new mam there would be uproar.

I absolutely wouldn't tolerate H swearing at you and throwing stuff. He needs to talk like a normal person without being aggressive.

He's 5.

You are incredibly unreasonable to expect him to never be in his father's bed. Why would it bother you at all if they watch a film together on the bed or his father gets him to sleep then transfers him?

I have a 5 year old. He comes in for a cuddle every single morning and if it's early I'll pull him
into the bed for an hour so he can chat
bollocks and kick me go back to sleep for a bit.

If anyone tried to tell me I couldn't do this anymore and pushed my child out of my space, they would be out the door.

There are parents together that one of them doesn’t like their child getting into bed with them out there. You are more likely to get an unrelated person objecting to sharing a bed with a child.
My childhood was traumatic because my mum needed to feel attractive, the types of men she went for was awful and my needs didn’t get acknowledged. I was just there to be dragged around from one crap relationship to another and I believe that if you have young children then they come before your own needs. Parents blending families on a wing and a prayer of hope or expectations of step parents bringing up your child as their own. A lot of the time one partner expects his/her child/children get treated better or they have a child together and the other children feel not as important or the blended children don’t get on and it’s always the children who suffer the most. My remedy for all these problems is stay bloody single or have a relationship away from your home and leave the children out of it!

Well said

I loved having my young children snuggled up in bed with me, they would chat and cuddle up or we would watch tv in bed. They felt safe, loved and cherished but then I wouldn’t have allowed an unrelated person into that bubble and expected them to bond with a child that wasn’t their own.
Your DH wants you to lighten his childcare load and work full time so his standard of living is better than on just his wage, oh and a regular shag. That is all he is interested in because he’s certainly not bothered that his son could hear him swearing and causing upset nor bothered about your feelings. His son doesn’t deserve to feel awkward hearing any conflict and internalising it as he being the cause.
What you need to ask yourself is if DH was in another bedroom cuddling up with son, watching tv for hours or sleeping there all night would you feel aggrieved? On the outside looking in? If so then you are not suitable to be a stepmum to a little child.

I get not having him sleep with you in general but you shouldn’t have said that this morning. You’ll make him feel unloved. It’s too much. Cuddles in a morning like that should be standard. I would have been angry too. Sorry.

This man is expecting you to take on the role of a parent, he verbally attacks you if you don't comply with his wishes.
I think he is the unreasonable one.

Your DH wants you to lighten his childcare load and work full time so his standard of living is better than on just his wage, oh and a regular shag. That is all he is interested in because he’s certainly not bothered that his son could hear him swearing and causing upset nor bothered about your feelings
I agree with this from @SpryCat
A relationship should be mutually beneficial, what are you getting out of it op? I'd say much less than he is getting out of it, all the benefits are flowing in one direction, in other words you are the unpaid nanny.

Ya! But actually living with a non-related adult in itself raises safeguarding issues. The cinderella effect. Honestly, at times in my marriage the only thing keeping us together was the knowledge that the kids would likely be far worse off than if I stayed. The trope that kids do better with two happy parents apart than two slightly unhappy (and not abusive) ones together is bs. The fact that kids do worse in houses with non related adults is not.

Does DH pay his way properly now OP?

How he spoke to you is unacceptable

He mentioned 'our child'? I'm really hoping you are not already pregnant as this relationship does not sound healthy enough to bring another poor child into the mix.

Having a cuddle with your child in bed in the morning is one of the nicest things you can do. You'll change your tune when it's your own children.

I was expected to interact immediately when he woke up, otherwise I was selfish
In other words you were expected to be the primary carer for his child.

Today at 7am, DSS normal wake up, he came into our room and asked DH for breakfast. DH pulled him up into bed. I said “please can we not do the sharing bed thing” (I was half asleep). He flipped and told me to fuck off, threw a pillow across the room
Verbally abusing his partner in front of his child, this is not the behaviour of a kind loving parent, it's a way of denigrating you in front of the child, treating you like a low ranking person i.e an unpaid servant.

He said, when DSS was in another room, that I will expect our child to share a bed with us, why should he miss out?
He's done all that he can to train you to take on the role of primary carer, i.e do his job for him, and he's aware that the best way to get what he wants is to persuade you to have a child with him. That will make it much harder for you, and much easier for him to skip off and leave you to do all the drudge work.