Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

I think you've added in things there that I havent focused on or presented

There is a smug naivety on this site about simply earning more and how easy that is. That was my point only.

Ok

A bit irrelevant to the actual post then? Why not make your own thread?

He was renting with his brother - no idea how long for until the OP came along - doubt that had 3 xtra bedrooms sitting empty for 345 days of the year - handy that she was able then to swoop in house his broken family and pay for their holidays as well as indulge his retraining and low contribution to her/their unit. He saw you coming OP.

Well I spoke to DP about it.

We have two issues to address:

1. We need to move for DS’s school
2. SSs housing post-college

He's in agreement with 1 in principle.

On 2, we have agreed that we need somewhere with space for SSs, but do not agree on what that needs to look like. I think one adaptable downstairs room or a converted garage or garden room is sufficient; he thinks it should be a permanent bedroom or ideally two.

The only way we could afford a 4-5 bed in the right area with our current outgoings would be by me paying more than 75% of the mortgage and more than half the bills, and I’m not willing to do that for an outcome I don’t want. As DS gets older and SC become adults I want more spare cash, not less. And whilst I’d have been very happy for any of SC to move in whilst in education, I am less enamoured with the idea of them moving in as disrespectful, unmotivated adults.

Exactly, this is very relevant. The cost of living crisis and Covid changed a the trajectory of many people’s careers.

So basically, your DP hasn't listened to a word and still expects you to pay up?

What is he going to do now that you've said you can't or won't pay more?

My point was that if your DH couldn't up his contribution (which he clearly can, he just chooses to give the twins money for phones and cars instead of housing) by way of increased income... then he shouldn't be trying to force YOU to house children who aren't your financial responsibility.

I think you and DP should sit down and have an honest conversation with the elder kids.

Explain that you’re looking to move so their youngest sibling can have a shot at a better school however by doing that you won’t be able to afford such a big house.

Let them know this doesn’t mean you’re kicking them out or don’t want them to stay anymore it’s just that downsizing is the only realistic way of getting near better schools.

If all the children in question were both of your biological joint children you wouldn’t think twice about telling them they’d have to share a room so their sibling could get into a better school so it should be different just because they’re your step kids.

People seem to walk on egg shells when it comes to step kids and they do things they wouldn’t do if the children were joint.

Well, he doesn’t have a lot of options so ultimately he’ll have to go with what I want. He’s not thrilled about it emotionally, but he can continue to support SSs / their mum financially if he wants.

Well presumably he didn't come up with a solution as to how absolutely 4-5 bed would be achieved?

Is it just a case now that he'll move to a 3 bed (with some form of sofa bed or whatever it may be for the twins), because he knows he will end up homeless or because he truly understands this is the best solution for your shared child and he's kn board with it? Those are 2 very different scenarios

Nobody’s going to end up homeless, whatever happens.

Ok slight exaggeration but you understand my point. He would have much less resources so would likely end up living in a 1-2 bed in a less desired area with little to no room for his kids.

I would be looking to ensure that YOU can solely ensure that you can fund this next house alone. There are HUGE fault-lines in your relationship due to compromise, parenting values, educational aspirations, financial contributions and priorities. This is only going to get worse. Personally I would move my DC now so that he was settled in primary and moving up to secondary with his friends. I would own the house outright and charge your DP rent - because you know he is going to move those weed smoking, disruptive losers in the minute their long suffering mum has had enough or they flounce - then you are stuck with them for years - the important educational, social and emotional formative years for your DS. They will derail and compromise this - you and your partner will argue and you will have a hell of a time legally, financially and emotionally getting them all out. Buy the house for yourself and your DS - encourage your DH to buy himself a small flat that he can let to his DSs whilst your relationship continues and/or live in if it doesn’t.

Protect your peace, money, values, DS - he doesn’t get a second chance at this - you need to advocate for him.

Well done for having the conversation, OP. Stick to your guns.

Yes, any couple who separate have lower resources for housing.

Yes... so is he agreeing because he AGREES that this is the best solution for the family, or is he agreeing so you will still foot the bill for everything.

Think carefully. This man has taken you for granted for 10+ years already.

I’ve said repeatedly that I’m happy with the financial set up. It’s allowed me to build my personal assets over the past decade and I only pay towards what I want to.

I don’t want SSs moving in with us full-time and have made that clear to DP. They’ll always have a bed to visit and for emergencies but I don’t feel we can or need to house them indefinitely into their twenties.

He’s agreeing because it’s the best outcome for DS, me and him.

He can simultaneously be sad that his older sons’ lives aren’t panning out very well.

On 2, we have agreed that we need somewhere with space for SSs, but do not agree on what that needs to look like. I think one adaptable downstairs room or a converted garage or garden room is sufficient; he thinks it should be a permanent bedroom or ideally two.

OP - so if I've understood correctly: your DP would like at least one permanent bedroom for the SS, ideally two - so whilst 2 is his preference, he would settle for one?

In which case you could manage with a 3 bed house when you move? So is this a step towards a compromise?

Absolutely her can be sad for his older kids. That's quite normal and to be expected.

I just really hope he's doing this for the right reasons.

I would never move to somewhere that couldn't accommodate the stepkids staying over if they needed to - but that doesn't mean their own bedroom, which lies empty the majority of the time. So long as there's either a spare room for general use, or a sofa bed that they can use, I'd say that was ok.

You can't keep a bedroom set aside for them forever, and there are so many reasons that the move would be a good thing for the people who live with you full time.

And equally he can be simultaneously agreeing because you will continue to be paying the lions share and shouldering the financial set up of his family for another 10 years.

This may well be the case, but I always got the impression the OP wanted to resolve this without splitting up?

Honestly this DP if yours in gaslighting bingo - why did HE especially get stung in his divorce - there’s a legal system that ensures the DCs needs come first - it’s standard but looks like be spun a victim narrative to manipulate you to feel pity and rescue his financial and housing issues.

The way he financially abused you on mar leave is absolutely atrocious - and you are still unilaterally paying to house his DCs and pay for their holidays?

Then more gaslighting victim narrative guilt drivel about not taking his son to sports (because to far away) - but guess what he doesn’t even do that for his younger son living under his roof as you do all of it.

You talked about wanting marriage to this man. Don’t do that.

Also the maintenance ends in Aug - so expect the SSs to be moving in then - I would have sold up and bought a new house in my own name by then - otherwise you will have no say.

I also can't see how it's in the op's interest to be married to this man, he's too much of a liability and it will give him too much leverage.