Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

@Calliopespa I agree that it’s a shame that he won’t be able to provide a home for them into their 20’s if that’s what he wanted to do. He didn’t make it his priority though and relied on the OP to provide a large house. It doesn’t work for her to do that anymore - she literally can’t do it if they move to the new area.

Instead of spending on car insurance and phones, he should’ve thought about what was really important to him.

I agree with what you're saying. The Op's SS are likely to be problematic for many years. The main issue being they're work shy. I'd move on my own.

It’s not, but, yes now Dp should be supporting them. But, they should have a p/t job whilst at college. and when they leave college he of course should be contributing but won’t need to fully supporting, as after leaving college, they surely should be in full time work, no???

When I was at college I worked 2 evenings a wk and a full day Saturday! Paid for my own clothing and social life!! Why are both parents enabling lazy young men?!!

I suppose your employability factor decreases somewhat if your general lifestyle is sitting around doped up and engaging in ASB?

Yes he seems to have had very little foresight.

I’m not sure how you expect he could have installed a work ethic and correct morals and values whilst barely seeing them. From 11, children are allowed to choose the contact schedule (if agreed with a parent, which this was - their mum has always wanted to have them more).

Unfortunately, SC are the product of their upbringing.

OP, perhaps when it was apparant the 2 boys did not want to visit, keep in touch by phone, attend college on a regular basis, your partner should have stopped paying for car insurance/car maintenance & phone costs. He then could have put money towards reducing student loans or savings. I sincerely hope you reflect on what is best for your child & yourself. The 2 boys will drag you down & have a negative effect on your son.

He had plenty of foresight - from being a solo parent with 3 very young children and renting with his brother - he engineered a situation where by promising the OP the opportunity to be the mother of two children later in life - he persuaded her to buy a 5 bed house to house them all, for her unilaterally to pay for all of their holidays whilst he didn’t even bother with the basics of parenting (supporting education and extra curricular activities - he’s still not stepped up with their 9 year old) - but flings cash at them lazily (car insurance, phone contracts, meals out etc) which he gets the kudos for and can only afford to do because he has systematically rinsed the OP - refused the promised 2nd child/sibling for her DS, refused to financially contribute/compromise on her mat leave and temp part time work for HIS own DS!! And has now decided his own DS education is compromised to accommodate the weed smoking NEETs who OP suggested would move in to the house as it’s a better option for employment (which lets face it they are not going to either engage in or be successful at given their current presentation).

I don’t know if the OP is in a boiled frog situation or is being so gaslit by the love bombing grifter or even just deluded to not think that she will be having these two losers polluting her home and her DSs social and emotional development - because she described my prediction (based on her previous posts) or this all being teed up for them moving in as my take being ‘catastrophic’ - honestly it’s a train coming down the track very very soon (August if not before) - it doesn’t matter if they are in the current 5 bed house, or the new 3 bed house with sofa bed / garden cabin - there will be a sudden need for them to move in ‘short term’ and you will never get them out. Buy your own house in your own name - so that you can say No.

Yes I agree that DC are a product of their upbringing. And it’s no surprise to anyone that this hands-off, flaky, dead-beat dad chose not to instil a work ethic or any other values of integrity into his children - because maybe he doesn’t have those himself?

Maybe also they have witnessed their grifter father as their role model - where a 5 bed house and free annual holidays magically fell out of the sky?

It's weird how you see the mum as the flawed parent yet the dad sounds equally flawed: - churning out children despite not having the means to house them, starting new families rather than prioritising the children he already had.

Of course he could have had foresight.
He had 3 children to provide for but still deliberately commits to two more children.

You are so spectacularly in denial it is extraordinary.
Of course he is responsible for having 3 children, not being fully involved with them and still cracking on to have a forth.

You are both spectacularly in denial as to the responsibilities you had as adults to make the best decisions for the existing 3 children.

He sucked you in, and you fell for it.
The next decade with those 4 children will be the decade of reality and the consequences of choices.

Those children will not be magicing up independence.

Its hard enough for adult children with top degrees working for huge multinationals to fund an independent life.
I know, I have one such adult child.
It is far far harder than it was for me 40 years ago.

It's always the mum of the first family who gets the blame.🙄

And this regardless of the fact others voluntarily walked into the situation and involved themselves with one of these "deadbeat" mothers.

You take on what you take on in life.

There is a very wise saying here on MN:

‘There is no man more in love than one who needs a roof over his head’

I suspect there was loads of love-bombing going on until the 5 bed house was secured. Promise of 2 babies etc - then the goalposts changed and he’s calling the shots. V v wise of the OP not to marry him - she would do well to disentangle herself from property ownership with him because of his track record of goal post moving / financial exploitation - could get very messy.

Whilst barely seeing them...

That's kinda the point isn't it? Obviously they want to stay with their mum.. the woman who was there for every fall, every school play, every doctor appointment, made breakfast every morning.

Age 11 was only 8 years, and they had recognised by then he wasn't an equal parent. There's absolutely no way on earth that I (or my husband) would be living an hour away from my kids if we seperated. We actually live somewhere that is fine but not first choice for either of us because that's where my stepsons mother and her family/support network live. We are a 15min drive currently, the most we ever lived was 20 mins away. And just to be clear, at some stages of our lives we both had LONG commutes to work because we needed to live nearby. For 2yrs I drove 2hours each way.

An hour away is different at 19 when they have their own lives but at 9, 10, 11 he should have been closer.

The stepkids might be a product of their upbringing (although you've said SD is quite sweet so that in itself doesn't make sense) but your partner chose not to bring them up.

Whilst barely seeing them...
That's kinda the point isn't it? Obviously they want to stay with their mum.. the woman who was there for every fall, every school play, every doctor appointment, made breakfast every morning.

Exactly. Then because she's been left with 90 percent of the parenting by a Dad who doesn't want to be with them more/ they don't want to be with more, everything is all her fault.

Very neat reasoning that is.

@CleanOurWater
They have spent the majority of their time being raised by their mum, how is the outcome not a result of her parenting?
MN will twist anything to blame a man, he’s been a pretty shit dad with lack of involvement with them but I doubt it’s his fault there workshy and smoking weed

He could have chosen to be more actively involved in their lives. Instead he chose to just start another family

@likelysuspect Yes, all of DD’s (20) friends and DD herself have p-t jobs whilst studying and those who aren’t in education are working.

Jobs are out there if you’re prepared to look hard and take what’s available. One of her friends is working full-time in a pub restaurant -no, it’s not her dream job, but her college course wasn’t the right fit for her so she’s working while she figures out her next steps. She started p-t and her manager offered her more hours as she’s a good worker.

If the twins aren’t interested in college, they should start applying for jobs. Driving can be a useful skill and they’ve both got that.

I’m not saying he was a perfect dad but he’s tried his best with them. As a non-resident parent, once the child hits secondary school, you are pretty powerless if the resident parent decides to be permissive.

She prides herself on being their mate… They have grown up to have a lifestyle very similar to that of her friends.

Same here. One of my DDs spent uni holidays working in the care sector. One year in a dementia unit in a care home another year driving house to house from 6am to care for elderly and disabled, including personal care. She was a teenager. She’s now training to be a barrister. Very proud of her rolling her sleeves up and doing a job that matters and gives dignity to people’s lives. Plenty of care jobs available. It was actually one of the talking points that came up in every interview from her CV. Employers were more impressed with that effort than others who probs got an internship with fancy chambers thru parents networks.

I actually think that care work should be some sort of national service during the recruitment crisis. Focuses the mind.

I’ve always worked and so has DP. All of the kids have had the opportunity to earn money doing odd jobs for us. SD has been babysitting for years; DS washes the car. SSs have never been interested in anything like that.

OP, Step sons not interested in doing jobs in their second home for extra money, not interested in getting a p/t job after school/college or a Saturday job. Perhaps your partner should not have been interested in paying their car insurance or phone costs & you should not have been interested in financing their foreign holidays. Actions have consequences is a worthwhile life lesson.

I wouldn't be interested in chores either if someone paid my bills 😂

@BlatchFord I see the same, DPs kids; their mum has never disciplined them which means he’s the bad guy if he dares to say anything & he is very involved.
In his shoes Id be stopping paying insurance and phones, shocked at 20 they’ve never had a job.

The thing is, at the moment, they are in full-time education. Can you imagine the outrage if I posted something like “AIBU to leave SSs at home when we go on our family holiday because they won’t get part time jobs alongside full time college?” I’d be crucified!

DP got them phones so they could stay in touch, their mum didn't facilitate contact before. Theoretically with a car they should be able to visit more and have no excuses for not going to college (on a lengthy bus route). Post-summer, I don’t know though.