Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

But he keeps doing it. He’s still doing it.

Time after time YOU are the one solely making the sacrifices for him whilst he makes none for you and your DS. You could make a list from each of the incidents / situations you have ref in these posts - then you will see the pattern - and as time goes on you shouldering it indefinitely is getting heavier. Each of these issues compound on the next. The start of this thread was about your DP expectation that your DSs education should be compromised.

Your mama bear rightly kicked in.

You are now looking at the horrific prospect of having a couple of disruptive weed smoking NEETs which you currently finance indirectly being under your roof.

And the expectation is still there that you continue sacrificing and he doesn’t.

You are even looking at your retirement is not going to be what you had planned because of your DPs parenting approach?

Is it not possible for the SC outgoings to pretty much stop and that money be redirected into paying for a larger home in the better area?

I think you’re catastrophising. Every stepparent makes sacrifices. I wouldn’t recommend DS becomes one, but I wouldn’t take back the overall happy life I’ve lived.

Not really because SD is still going to need support for 2/3 years. Plus I’d rather SSs were financed directly to live somewhere that isn’t my house, than have them move in, to be honest.

Totally agree.
These guys ALWAYS find a naive solvent woman to house them and their children.
Him and his Ex are thrilled with the last decade.
The first family coming out streets ahead.
Thank god you didn't marry him, at least you had the cop on not to do that!

Men like him tolerate one extra child to keep them on the hook but no more.
He never even contributed to mat leave!!
Bloody hell OP, that bar of yours is low.

My friends daughter, high earning of course, has recently, FINALLY 🙄, woken up to the truth after two years.

She was also planning to marry him later this year, when they had a "petty row" about her refusing to take his 16 year olds daughters boyfriend on the all inclusive villa holiday she was booking and paying for, this summer.
Some comment about what was the problem she could afford it, FINALLY got the penny to drop that she was a money tap.

Wedding is off and she asked him to go to his parents and see his 3 children there while she took some space.

He very reluctantly agreed saying she was completely over reacting and that the boyfriend need not come.
He was genuinely stunned when she told him the holiday was off the table completely.

Her mother/sister had been most concerned but she hadn't been hearing them.
Finally she did.

Two weeks later she cleared the house of all their stuff and her brother returned it to his parents house.

Its 3 months on and he is still trying to "fix" things by messaging her, but apparently she loves having her lovely home back and is really done.

She admits she had some nerves about everything, but pushed them down.

She's not looking for another relationship but has said that children are now a deal breaker.

Honestly OP, you should be buying alone near the school.
Let him buy a house that he shares with his children and continue the relationship on that basis.
He won't go for that though, you are far too useful financially to him and his family now and in the long term support of them all.

DS has had a happy childhood and has had everything he needs or wants.

If only all were so lucky ...

Do you think it’s my fault that SC’s childhoods haven’t been as decent, or their mum’s, who they live with for 90% of the time?

Not sure how his first family have come out streets ahead…?

I don't think this is catastrophising in the least.
It is in fact highly highly likely.
Living independently has never been so expensive.
Far better to live off mum and dad and his naive girlfriend who finances so much.
What exact careers are they going to be working at to finance them not living with you?

I feel increasingly sorry for your son who will be entering his teens but will have a smaller house packed to the gills with these failure to launch half siblings, that his mother is carrying.
Will he really want to be bringing friends back to such a house?

Apart from a bio sibling and a quality education if his DF was allowed to push through on yet another of his self serving, grabby initiatives.

If they move to the ‘nicer’ neighbourhood will the parents of his new friends allow their children to go to this house with a couple of disruptive, weed smoking NEETs and no doubt their dodgy layabout, dealer mates dropping in.

If you buy with your DP @BlatchFord you will have ZERO control on preventing this catastrophic outcome. It could come to you and your DS fleeing your own home if Mr Gaslight and his useless sons get their lazy feet under the table.

Unfortunately that's not true for him.

Because he has funded THEM, whilst you have carried him, funded the larger house, AND funded his forth child and been primary carer to your son.

You buy a smaller house with him near your sons school you will have zero control over the environment and cannot stop his children deciding to stay.

You need to be preparing for the worst case scenario not hoping for the best.

Why do two 20 yr olds need to financially supported? he should be telling them to get a job instead of financing a pair of wasters.

Car insurance for X 2 young drivers will be a lot more than £300 pcm wherever you live.

@HortiGal have you seen youth unemployment figures?

Now I wouldn't be able to forgive him for only letting me have one child when 2 had been agreed and when you could have afforded two. Would also resent the fact that he has 4 children and you have one. Hopefully the 16 year old DD feels like a sister to your DS if he sees her enough. Glad you didn't marry him and have built up an escape fund should it be needed.
Re the downsizing, I think you should move and I feel bad and support the DSC 99% of the time.

I don’t think supporting a 20 year old is unusual at all!

I think, on balance, it is probably your DH's fault that he has steered towards a situation where he has to choose between his two sets of children - either your DS misses out or he ends up downsizing for your DS' benefit and cutting them out of a family home in which they are welcome.

I do feel bad for them not being welcome in his home well into their 20's - like most children are.

In fairness to their mum, I can't see any of these aspects are really her fault.

I just always feel very bad for children in these situations I do feel the adults in their lives need to think ahead a bit more. Perhaps he should not have had DS if he couldn't afford what he promised.

But surely op could have done the maths and figured that a man with three children already and with fairly meagre finances couldn't afford to sensibly have any more.

I mean he is useless and selfish. But the op was well aware of these children going into the relationship. I would walk away from a man if he was inclined to treat his existing children less well in order to start a second family. It was stupid of both of them

How old are you OP? Is there any chance of having another child with someone else, or a sperm donor? I had my last at 46.

No, I definitely wouldn’t do that. My focus is on DS.

It's definitely not helping them, they need to learn that if they want something they need to earn it. If they aren't going college or working then they don't need a car. DP should not be working out for their cars if he's already paying so much in maintenance. Both my DS have had part time jobs from 15/16 that they saved up for driving lessons and then paid for all their car expenses . We had/have (DS 24 has his car, DS 17 just started learning) put savings for their first car (not loads but enough for decent little starter car). Both boys work hard and respect how much things cost. DSS need to get out and get a job to support themselves it may be the making of them.

There is supporting them while they study by housing them, paying fees etc.
I do that for my children, but they all have part time jobs too.
They know the value of work, paying your way, time management, responsibility of holding down a job....at 19, 20, and beyond.
I certainly wouldn't be supporting someone who was smoking weed, getting into trouble and drifting along thinking that the dirty business of bill paying is someone else's responsibility.
Mind you the modelling of their father is so poor its hardly surprising.
He's a grifter, the whole family are.

Only when they are in education or training - many of us are more than happy to support our DCs as long as they are putting their shoulder to the wheel - no way is it usual to pay for holidays, meals out, car insurance, mobile phone contracts for a couple of weed smoking NEETs who have squandered their quality education and have been disruptive and disrespectful and touching 20 years old have never broken a sweat to earn a £ in their lives.

My lot have had jobs from the earliest age possible - paper-rounds, shop work, babysitting, bar work - working on a farm full time at 16 in the summer after their GCSEs. They all had parttime jobs throughout uni because even though we are objectively wealthy a strong work ethic is an important value for us. We have supported each of them through many years post grad with housing, practical support and financial assistance as they have worked through engineering, legal and architecture professional qualifications. No way would we have been ‘supporting’ = enabling, facilitating and endorsing the ‘lifestyle’ choices of what you have described re your SSs.