Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

What a mess. It’s like he saw you coming. How lovely for him that you’ve funded the 5 bed house and provided accommodation for the children he failed to care for or safeguard or send to school in a previous life. As others have said, I’d split, buy a lovely house for you and DS, where you want to live, and go on to live your best lives. Your standards are clearly way above his. Well done for not marrying him!

He didn’t want to pay more when I was on maternity leave or part-time when DS was little, or to have another child.

But he expects you to house and support his other three children?

I think you'd be better off in the nice part of town with your DS going to a good school than being dragged down by your partner and his older children. He doesn't even seem grateful.

I could afford a two bed, together we could afford a three bed. We could not afford anything bigger without him paying a lot more every month, which he is currently unable to do whilst paying c. 1k a month to SC and their mum.

I know a lot of people are suggesting things like converting the garage and attic conversions, but honestly, houses where that hasn’t already been done are very rare here.

I don’t want to make this political or make excuses for him, but in terms of raising his income, it’s genuinely very hard for him to whilst he’s paying off the student loans and paying maintenance. For everything extra that he earns, he’s paying 42% tax and NI, 15% student loan, and about 22% maintenance.

His take home is effectively 21%… To take home an extra 1k a month, he’d need a £57k pay rise.

He needs to use his inheritance to pay off his student loan.

I really hate these threads. Why do people set up their lives for these conflicts between the interests of dc?

He doesn't need an extra £1k a month though. He needs to

a) stop paying extras like car insurance (for petulant children who are capable of work... they don't need cars)
b) there'll be an immediate saving of like half the maintenance come August / September.
c) plenty of cash in hand jobs around if he really wanted
d) 15% student loan... can he not speak to his parents who will be giving him inheritance to try pay this off in bulk early
e) sit his older kids down and let them know that you, him and DC are moving to a 3-bed as that's all that is affordable. You will ensure there is a Sofabed or Murphy Bed available for them when they visit.

But instead he's acting like a scorned child saying No I won't move... when the alternative is him living in very basic accommodation not being able to afford to gouse ANY of his children.

Agree.

It's selfish to start a family with someone who already has 3DC to care for .
It's even more selfish to start a family when you have 3 DC already that you can barely afford to support

This was never going to end well.

YANBU in putting your child first and he's not unreasonable in considering his 3 other kids.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5480017-dps-son-moving-in?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

It's like people just can't see things coming.

Do not let anyone totally compromise your only child’s life and future. His dad is not in his corner so you are now the only person in his life who is advocating for him and batting for him. Anyone who thinks that adults not having to share a room for 20 nights a year is more important than a child’s secondary schools life and future is insane.

We don't know what happened in that thread as the OP never came back.

You hitched your wagon to someone who had 3 children so there was going to be points that you didn’t agree on, as his responsibilities are pretty great, and I can see why he wants to keep space for them, especially if their Mum may get them to move on once out of education.
However I would move to a three bed with a big garden and put planning in for a studio in the garden that could be used as a bedroom so you are in an area with schools you would be happy with.
A friend has done one in her garden, it doesn’t have kitchen facilities, it’s literally a double bedroom with en-suite shower room.
She had it done for her son returning from Uni so he had a more independent space and could come and go without disturbing the rest of the household as there was a gate into the garden from the side of the house.
That way you can move to a different area for the schools, you would have a room, your DS would have a room, leaving a room for the youngest Step Child.
Another option is to look for a three bed with a downstairs separate dining room that can be changed over to be a downstairs bedroom, as long as the kitchen is big enough to hold the table.

I would be ending things now and have the house up for sale asap, you have no idea how long it will take to sell and get into a new place within the school catchment area... other people will be looking to buy for the same reasons if it's a good school.

100%

You get to prioritise your child's education. HIs older children attend(ed) decent schools; the fact they didn't appreciate it and messed about is on them. Your child has a right to a decent school, too, if you can get him into one via a move.

It's a hill I'd die on ... especially as you're the breadwinner for HIS and HIS older children's lifestyle when they're with you.

You’re the breadwinner and your DH is dictating you pay for a large house to host his kids who at most come for night once a month? that’s madness
Move and do what is best for your DS, if he doesn’t like to suggest he buys his own 4/5 bed house.

To add what was his living set up before you came along an and bought a big house for him and his kids?

And would he be able to fund a a house with dedicated bedrooms for the three older ones if the OP wasn’t around? If it’s a “no” then the OP has more power than she realises

This

If you split what fabulous lifestyle would he be affording his 4 children.... a nice 4 bed house for them all? I think no....

There are world of options open to him.
Instead his response is "fuck you @BlatchFordno way" when he isnt even funding the house!!!!

Unless you want your DS ending up the same stellar economic outlook as his half siblings I'd be non negotiably looking at moving to facilitate a good education for my child

but honestly i wouldnt have agreed to you current set up in the first place (buying in bad school district for SC) not would I build a life with your partner.

I also think In many ways he is not treating the children fairly and deprioritising his youngest.

This is a very sensible response! Do this. And crack on as you only have 7 months and a bit if your son's in year 5.

How is someone meant to predict a decade in advance? They clearly picked a suitable house for whilst they were children.
Things like who the shared children live with, whether they go to university or move out, what local schools are like, whether DH has started to earn more over the years to top up OPs wage etc are all factors that arent known in advance, so decisions need making at the relevent time based on pros and cons like OP is doing.

The OP said they never planned to stay in that house because of the school district.

She knew the financial obligations of her partner (maintenance wasn't going to stop in that timeframe, unless the stepkids moved in with them - so the financial factor relatively stats the same), he has an abundance of student loans from being a mature student.

When you have step and bio kids, these things need to be factored in well in advance before committing to buying a house with someone.... especially when you know about future move is on the cards.

In the 10yrs they lived there Dad could have earned more to ensure he could put more equity in to have a bigger place for all his kids. But instead he's plodded along happily knowing his partner is the one doing that.

Typical MN world where everyone can just 'earn more'.

If you can't earn more in a 10yr period... stop creating children you can't afford and pushing their housing needs on someone who isn't their parent. It's quite simple.