Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

DS also has a shot at a sports scholarship, but again I couldn’t afford the reduced fees whilst paying for the mortgage here.

In which case keeping dedicated bedrooms for very infrequent use is potentially damaging DS's education prospects.

So long as you have space if they want to stay and a room for the 16 year old that’s perfectly fine. Would be entirely different at 9 and 6 but 16 and 19, totally fine especially for a few nights a year

Why was none of this ever a discussion before you had a child with this man and bought a house you dont want to live in?

Did you think that once they hit 16 or 18 that he wouldn't want them? You've even gone as far as insinuating you could leave your partner if he didn't want to move with you...? Really?

Can you not at least afford a 4bed (twins can share) in the preferred school district?

Def prioritise your DS education. Seems that the SSs already had that opportunity of a quality education and abused it.

What about a garden home office type arrangement for occasional guests.

Keep dialogue with your DH but know what the destination is. Maybe he is feeling guilty because he left and they are seemingly failures? That’s not then up to you and your DS to assuage his guilt by you financially bankrolling him or your DS missing out on the most important opportunity. Get cracking with it.

Is there a reason that DP doesn’t work and contribute financially? If he did, perhaps you would be able to afford another big house in the better area.

Why did your DH end up living so far away from his kids? How rotten for them .

This has never been a “forever home” and I’ve always said I wouldn’t send DC or SC to the local school. If any of SC had decided to move in as teens (which was always DH’s hope and we pushed for it many times but they and their mum said no) we would have had to have discussions about where to move.

Four beds in the catchment of the good school cost easily double our house’s value, and no, we couldn’t afford that.

DP? Your choice is clear. He's been using you to house his children for years. Time to put yourself and your child first.

He does work, but he has student loans and a lot of maintenance going out pre-tax.

Why did you push for the DC to move in as teens? To move an hour away from their mum?
It doesn't sound like you or DH saw them as real people with lives of their own.

Their mum moved, and yes I agree and think if we’d had them more, they’d have better prospects as adults. But that’s not what’s happened.

If he's old enough to have adult children I can't figure out how he still has student loans?

Because they were repeatedly being excluded at school, smoking weed, not attending…

Mature student

They sound quite happy to be fair. And if the only way you could have housed them was to be in an awful catchment I am not sure how it would have improved things?

Theres a lot of references to you making decisions or you financially contributing in your posts. Why did your family ever move to a house with the intention of always leaving there for a different school disrict, and you're an hour away from the stepkids?

Your partner has always been a part time dad, living nowhere near his older children, obviously they were never going to move in with him permanently. Why does he not contribute to your household currently?

I am impressed he managed to budget to be a mature student when responsible for 4 children

They are happy where they are, and being primarily at their mum’s has always been their preference.

Whether she’s happy to house them when they age out of college and maintenance is another matter.

Where did he live before moving in with you?

I think you would be well within your rights as a mum to downsize for the sake of your child. It's almost as if he has been lost in the crowd and everything has become about the steps. Hope you are okay, OP, it sounds a bit stressful.

When I met DP he was renting a house with his brother, I owned a flat in the nearest city. Obviously I didn’t want to live with his brother so we bought together. The primary schools here are alright, it’s just the secondary that isn’t. At that point we didn’t even have DS. I don’t think it’s that unusual to move in the course of over a decade as circumstances change.

Also can’t see how ‘he has lots of maintenance going out pre-tax’ if he’s a low earner

They are not adults, well one isn’t and the other two barely, he needs to have rooms for them though potentially some could be multi purpose spaces (fir the older 2) but be beware they could end up with you, my dsd arrived to live with us with less than 24 hours warning, no choice, her dm moved in with her dp and no space for dsd, it happens

I didn’t say he was a low earner, he’s not. I said I’m the breadwinner.

Yes, it's not strange to move in the course of a decade. But normally when people have HUGE responsibilities like 3 children then that is a big part of the decision making process.

10 years ago those stepchildren were all very very young.

Im still struggling to see what your partner provides for the family... you say you bought with him but to be perfectly honest it sounds like he landed on his feet with someone who he could sponge off for the rest of his life.

Why does he have mature student loans? Why was he going back to college and wracking up loads of debt instead of working his ass off?

I can see why you might start resenting your stepkids (who sound like completely normal teens btw) but your anger should lie with your scrounging partner.