Adult SC and downsizing - WWYD?

[BlatchFord]

DP has three children from his previous relationship, twin SS19s and SD16. We have DS9. I wanted another but he felt we couldn’t afford it. We have always had SC on weekends and holidays (their choice and their mum’s), and now they’re late teens, it’s more like only one weekend in four and overseas holidays.

We have a five bedroom house. I am the breadwinner. To afford a house this size, we bought in the not-nice side of town. The secondary school we are in catchment for is failing with very poor results. The other side of town has good schools but properties are more expensive and to move there we would need to downsize to a three bedroom house.

Now SC are becoming adults, and rarely here, I want to move so DS can attend a good school. DH doesn’t want to until SC live independently.

AIBU?

You don’t need a 5 bed house for 3 kids. Just tell him he can either downsize now or after the divorce — he’s being totally unreasonable.

They’re not married @trumpisvomitous, which is another reason for the OP not to bankroll his young adult children too much. They have two parents to do that.

No one wants to split up but the OP said herself in an earlier post that their relationship had been floundering for lots of other reasons for many years before this most recent clash of values/wants/needs raised its head. My point is that OP needs to prepare for the worst and hope for the best - she needs to emotionally, practically and financially protect her and her DSs future from what on the face of it looks like a persistently unequal dynamic with a consistently flaky / gaslighting DP.

I think that the suggestions you have put forward are very sensible and similar to what people I know have done.
Our children know they will alway have the ability to come home when they are older however I’m not planning on having 3 empty rooms sat there just incase…
Your DH needs to rethink what a solution might look like without being of detriment to his youngest child….
If he won’t budge and the schools are that awful where you are then you’re only other choice is to separate the households.

No we need:

• our bedroom
• DS’s bedroom
• SD16’s bedroom

Then realistically we’re looking at an adaptable dining room / garden room for SSs’ occasional use.

His preference would be for a 5 bedroom house so SSs can move in; I am not up for that for many reasons.

I always have, I am financially independent. If I’m with DP it’s because I want to be, not because I need to be.

This is what it comes down to - how much should a stepparent be prepared to pay towards adult stepchildren?

I’ve always been willing to have them live with us full-time as minors, but now they’re adults with limited relationship with me and DS, raised with none of my influence, with two capable parents, I don’t feel responsible for them.

I think the garden room sounds like the best option. A bathroom, living space with a kitchenette type thing and a sofa bed would be ideal. They would have somewhere to.just hang out if they didn't want to sleep, or if they occasionally slept over they have the option also.

It can also be redesigned into a multipurpose space in a few years - social setting for your shared child or a garden room / home office / home gym etc for yourself and DP.

If it isn't financially feasible to build this from the sale of your current home, I'd be ensuring that DP knows the maintenance reduction will need to go some way toward financing it and also he should probably start reducing the outgoings liek car insurance for the twins (they'll be finished college so can get jobs to contribute to their own lifestyle). This is to say that he doesn't expect that you'll just fund it because you most likely can!

It's a solution that you both work towards.

Well yes, I'm sure he would like a 5-bed house, particularly if someone else is paying ..... But if a 3-bed house with adaptable dining room/garden might just do the trick, does that feel like a workable compromise?

Not to mention this would have the added advantage of not being tooooooo comfortable for the SS's, reducing the likelihood of them wanting to move in

And I assume he's done the sums OP, and realised that if you decided to move without him, he's rather up shit creek financially?

With his share of the equity, and his income, he can afford to buy a house. Nobody’s screwing anyone over here!

Did you talk about potential separation at all or is that not on your radar right now?

Many parents do do this now though. It's not an outrageous situation.

What you really mean is you aren't the parent.

Well yes... she isn't their parent?
They have 2 parents already

Yes. But that is the issue, not the fact that it is weird for 20-somethings to live in the family home these days.

You're not unreasonable and he sounds like a drain on you

She didn't say it was weird...

I’d feel very screwed over if the father of my one and only biological child refused to financially support that child during my one and only mat leave and temporary part-time work - but at the same time expected me to finance indefinitely the housing of his 3 existing young children in a large house and also pay unilaterally to take all 4 of them off on holidays - whilst he prioritised his student debt, hobbies, potentially unnecessary stuff for his existing children.

Clearly there has always been an unequal financial set up that he is the net beneficiary of - is there also a power imbalance due to age?

At the time, I wasn’t thrilled, but ultimately I could afford it. That, and the fact that we didn’t have two children together because he felt it would negatively financially impact his older children, demonstrates we don’t have an “all in” financial arrangement. From that point I called off our engagement and built up my own resources.

At the end of the day, he hasn’t sacrificed to support me and mine, and on this instance I’m not prepared to sacrifice for him and his.

And no, we’re the same age. He has his first set of children young and I had mine old!

I don’t think it’s weird, some of the apprentices at work live at home and I know things have changed since I was young.

Why is he paying so much maintenance? car insurance for two feckless layabout adults who at 20 have never had a job?
No wonder he’s skint!

But you understand it was quite right he factored those children in when deciding whether to have any more children?
I would think less of any man who was prepared to have more children to then detriment of his existing ones

It sounds like it wasn't the right relationship for either of you. And children are paying the price

It sounds like it wasn't the right relationship for either of you. And children are paying the price

@CleanOurWater Tbf, his older children probably wouldn’t have been able to live with him in a three or four-bedroom house (I.e., a room each or twins sharing) if he hadn’t met the OP. He was sharing a flat with his brother when they met so he didn’t have much room for them.

If he cuts down on some of the extras though and put that money into housing, he could afford more space.

Or, if his parents would be willing to give him some of his future inheritance early and pay down his student loans.

Of course. But before we decided to move in together and have one child, he agreed we could have two. It’s his prerogative to change his mind, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be disappointed by it.

I strongly believe it’s been better for DS to be raised in one household than two. I saw how SC’s loyalties were divided and they felt pulled between two worlds. DS has had a happy childhood and has had everything he needs or wants.

£700 odd is the CMS amount, I expect car insurance and phones come to about another £300. Then there’s meals out and all the ad hoc stuff that comes for three teens.