AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

[Lili10]

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

Seriously, she can have a 5 minute meeting with her stepmother. Why on earth not? What has the OP done to her? She wasn’t the OW, she had nothing to do with the parents’ relationship breaking down. Why shouldn’t this girl be able to even have a conversation with her?

You’re not a hypocrite at all. You’re trying your best to navigate a shit situation which wasn’t of your making and protecting your young child who also didn’t ask for such a complicated family. You’re a far better parent than your husband or his ex. Don’t be bullied into anything and do not leave your home for anyone.

I think most people just find it bizarre that someone would marry and have a child with a man who has a young daughter they haven't even met 🤷‍♀️

Why don't you go and ask his ex wife why she's alienated her own daughter's father then?

@whattodo33x if she was the one posting then I would do 🤷‍♀️

But no matter how badly the ex wife is behaving, that doesn't mean OP and her husband shouldn't have taken some responsibility and thought all this through before deciding to bring another baby into the situation.

I mean, how did they think it was going to work? 🙈

Well, to put it bluntly, the step daughter hasn't wanted to be part of her Dad's life for the 5 years without a baby, so not sure how it would really make any difference!

She was 11 at the time they had a baby, why does an 11 yo get to dictate if her father has another child? Children don't dictate this in nuclear set ups so I fail to see what the difference is.

@whattodo33x it's not about the 11yo dictating, it's about two grown adults having the common sense not to bring another baby into an already messy situation 🙄

I agree I wouldn’t have married him with this set up, and if OP had posted before they got married/had a baby I’d have advised her to run, but it’s a bit late for that now isn’t it? This situation isn’t one of OP’s creation, she just made a mistake not bodyswerving it when she realised what the situation was.

I would disagree @Saschka - if she hadn't chosen to have a baby with this man, she wouldn't now be in a situation where she has a 4yo who's never met her older sibling.

The only people who have messed up here are the adults - and I would include OP in that.

THIS!

The 4 year old isnt a stepchild. So bad luck for her eh!

Thanks for all the advice everyone. If I could go back in time, there are a million things I would do differently but I cannot now imagine a world where my DC doesn't exist. They are amazing and bring joy every single day. I'm sure all mothers say this, but DC makes the world a better place ❤️.

There were things that weren't planned and things we thought would go differently but haven't and some things have been really crap and horrible (I'm including DSD in all of this btw). We've had lots of legal advice and lots of therapy. It has not been easy for anyone and is a mess, but I just wanted to sanity check how to manage this moving forward and how to make it not get worse, if possible.

@Lili10 You sound like a great mum.

❤️ thanks. It's not an easy job at the best of times, but worth it. X

I don’t understand why the post you quoted made you think I had read it?

I think by refusing to have your DC around his DD 'without you there' is really quite a childish, tantrum-y attitude. Sorry but that's my opinion.

However I'm also disgusted that despite the fact that his CHILD was so upset that she couldn't bring herself to speak to him, that your boyfriend continued his relationship with you, even though he knew how much it was screwing up his child! Regardless of what his ex wife was or wasn't doing or saying. He still should've put his DD first.

THIS

I think most people just find it bizarre that someone would marry and have a child with a man who has a young daughter they haven't even met 🤷‍♀️

Because a child doesn't get to dictate the minutiae of how everyone else should live their lives.

How would not continuing his relationship with the OP have helped matters? His ex was engaging in parental alienation. Do you think she would have magically stopped if the DH ditched the OP and they’d have all lived happily ever after?

Also it was her mum who was screwing her up! Why would her dad having a new partner be so traumatic for her? And why should he pander to a child’s irrational demands?

I think by refusing to have your DC around his DD 'without you there' is really quite a childish, tantrum-y attitude. Sorry but that's my opinion.

The OP is doing the right thing. There is no point in involving a young child in the dysfunction. OP's DH has every right to fix his relationship with his daughter but until this happens, OP's dd needs to be kept away. Don't involve another innocent child for no other reason than a confused, angry 15 year old girl wants this. That way madness lies. Unfortunately, the consequence of dsd choosing to have no relationship with OP means she doesn't get to dictate other relationships. Regardless of the why's. It just is what it is.
A healthy relationship needs to be built between all of them before a 4 year old gets dragged into the mess.

They shouldn’t, but that should mean this is tackled head-on by the child’s father and the child meets OP, not that she marries him with this situation unresolved.

But too late to undo what is done now.

So as long as a teenager is stropping about it, OP and her husband could never get married? Behave.

Well, I would say that it was inappropriate to marry a man who had barely no relationship with his existing child, yes.

I also imagine if OP had posted five years ago to say she was engaged to a man who had a daughter she'd never met and who he didn't have a relationship with, most people would tell her to run.

Well she is married to him and has a child with him, so what's your point?

That it's not only her husband and his ex who are responsible for the current situation?