AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

[Lili10]

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

You were being nasty about a 15 year old child you don’t know. Your post was dripping with spite. Think about that.

Okey dokie At least no one can say they wernt warned. @Lili10 the thread ive linked has quite a few parallels

I think your H is a lying gameplayer and doesn't want you to meet his daughter at all. He'll know why and maybe you will too if you sit and think about the story he's given you.

I don't get the vitriol for her, she doesn't have to have been brainwashed, she may genuinely never want a relationship with the OP and thats ok as long as she knows the consequences of that in that she misses out on family life with her fathers family and her half sister.

I am in a similar situation. DS4 and DD2 have never met their adult 1/2 siblings, who DP sees every week, because the adult 1/2 siblings don’t want to meet them. They have though said on occasion they’d meet them if I wasn’t there, but they’ve never actually made any effort to do that anyway.

I think you’ve already been too accommodating - I definitely wouldn’t leave my home to suit them!

You need to vet DSD if she is suitable to around your DD. This is not one way DSD calling the shots.

You and your daughter come as a package - she wants to meet her @ 4 years old then you will be there.

Your DSD has clearly had a tough time and her Mum has not helped to support access to her DF/ facilitate the realtionship.

However, you do not know DSD and what she is capable of. She could be very jealous of your DD and her stable secure life and I would not run the risk of not being their at the initial meetings and her saying things to upset your DD and destabilise her (for example). She is not willing to meet you but wants to suddenly meet the child she previously said she is not related to due to having different mothers?

Tread carefully OP be there for any initial meetings to make sure this DSD at 15 years old will be act kindly to your little DD.
Your first priority is your DD.

Messy. I blame the parents. Both of them.

DSD may be a screwed up child who doesn’t want to betray her mother be meeting you.
Or she may be a manipulative little bitch who gets off on having all the adults dance to her tune.
Nobody has met her so we can’t really say.

In your shoes, OP, I’d be telling DH that you and your child are a package deal. And that he needs to explain that to DSD. You don’t get to meet a 4 year old without also meeting her mother. But you and DD might be ready for that later, at some unknown point in the future. (See the parallels?)

I’d also tell DH that he needs to reiterate to DSD that you don’t want to replace her mum. And that at this point, you don’t really care about forming a relationship with her either. You just want to know who your daughter is around.

So a quick meet, 10 minutes of polite conversation, and you could head off to wherever while they take your DD to the playground.

The ball is in DSD’s court.

But there is no fucking way you are being kicked out of your own home.

Also, I’d tell your DH that you are not being selfish. It is selfish to poison a child’s mind and then pander to the child to take the easy way out instead of manning up, having an awkward conversation and actually parenting your own child, That is selfish because you put yourself ahead of your own child’s needs and development. And your own wife’s happiness.

It’s a shame you didn’t go to court years ago. But all you can do now is tell your dh that after all this time, she is old enough to understand that he has a partner (wife??) and his step sibling is related to him as they are both his children, and he won’t be kicking anyone out of their house, ask her how she would feel if she were the child?? and he hopes she can meet his partner and her sibling too soon. Ask her does she really not have friends with blended families?

and personally I’d tell him it’s on him that he didn’t go to court and make sure she knew you rather than letting a child dictate his life because his bitter ex told him to. It’s not on you and your only fault has been to be in a relationship with him.

Go for a long girls weekend somewhere with your friends, do something you enjoy, enable the children to build a relationship as it’s one step towards her engaging with you. Presently she has built meeting you up in her mind.

What a brat! Stand your ground.

No I wouldn’t have this.

this is what happens when kids are allowed to make choices on what other adults do.

It’s a shame he allowed this to happen OP as at 15 she is going to be an absolute nightmare to deal with. And it’s probably unfixable.

Regardless that she has been warped by her mother she doesn’t get to kick you out of your house. She might not be even willing to meet your child - she might be be seeing how far she can push her dad.

Your DH needs to put meeting her sister on the table asap and away from the house. If she refuses it’s gets dropped and he only sees her by her self - and not in your home.

You havnt done anything to deserve this punishment- as that’s what it is.

So stand up to your DH and tell him to grow a back bone

How wonderful you stopped by with such a profound contribution. Your help has been invaluable.

The move to get you out of the house is a power play to see how far her dad will go. Your DH is an absolute fool in a game controlled by a 15 year old and her mum. Im really cross on your behalf OP!

She’s married to her dad, ergo she’s her stepmum. That’s like saying she can’t be forced to accept the younger DD as a sibling. Fair point but she’s still her sibling. But no, she can’t be forced to have a relationship with the OP and nor does the OP want to force her. But at 15 you can spend time with people even if they’re not your favourite people and you can be polite to them. It’s shocking that anyone would consider indulging this extremely odd and inappropriate behaviour. The SD’s mother sounds like she has a personality disorder which can be the only reason you’d willingly fuck your own child up like this.

OP, you've tried and it's out of your hands now.

Lots of people don't have any sort of relationship with their half siblings . Probably because it's the responsibility of the shared parent ( usually their father) to facilitate one developing.

I admire your DH for putting his child first and doing what she needed to feel comfortable so that he could maintain a relationship with her. I wish more parents would put their childrens feelings before their own and their partners.

Do you really not see it? You are saying in the bitchiest way possible that a 15 year old girl (who may not even want children) will change her tune when she wants free childcare in a few years time. There are so many leaps and assumptions in what you said it actually is totally irrelevant to the thread and anything the OP is actually dealing with.

But it’s good to see you aren’t a grown woman attacking a child.

Sounds like your DHs ex has been allowed to alientate him from his elder child by controlling the manner of his contact with her Dad. The girls parents should have helped her to deal with feeling upset, sounds like instead her DM feasted on it. Your DH went along with it - he shouldn't have. Having another child in this situation was not fair on the her. You are part of his DD's family as you are the mother of her half sibling. This is not the 15 yo's fault, but your DH needs to put some limits on this now. She needs to know she is welcome as part of your family, but no one is going to pretend you don't exist.

OP you are doing this really well and this DSD does not sound like the calculating teen that some are hinting at. She sounds very upset and disturbed and no doubt because she has a troubled relationship with mum who clearly has taken this all to extremes.

I'd actually agree that she can come this time and meet your DC and not you. That seems a good step, first of all she may then soften about meeting you and it won't be a bad thing for you to have a day out somwhere. If i were you then I'd also insist on some family therapy sessions for DH and DSD too.

However, I'd make it clear that this is not a pattern that it is a step. It's a first step, so that she can meet 1 new person at a time. So the next time you will be there. That way you compromise a bit.

Nope, I would not be leaving my house to accommodate her. He can see her wherever he wants without displacing you.

Good point.

Exactly my thoughts. Well said.

But if they see your DH every week, they don’t need to make any effort. Your DH just needs to say I thought I’d bring Jack and Sophie next week.

It sounds to me like it’s your DH who can’t be arsed with taking the kids.

I agree it's time to say no. After this long you have no idea how she'll react to your son or what your husband will do if she's unpleasant.

You say that, but step mums are encouraged to set boundaries and remove themselves from a relationship with a SC if they don’t want one. You see advice all the time to make plans for the child’s contact time so they aren’t around and don’t have to see them. This is just a reverse.