AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

[Lili10]

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

"she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers."

Did he ever clarify that as they had the same father, they are actually blood related?
I'm agreeing with the spineless comments.

For some DC it's better to have one stable home than 50:50 after a protracted legal battle leaving both parents with no money for bringing up DC. Dad has clearly done his best to keep in DD life. He has also protected dc2 from stress of a court battle and unhappy stepsister in the home.

I think people are being too harsh to the DH. The reality is that if he had gone to court, no one can force a child to attend contact, and the mum probably would have been more effective in ruining any relationship with the child in the long run. I see this all the time in the family court and the reality is, his approach has maintained a consistent relationship with his child that will only grow. It’s probably been the least worst approach in the long run.

I think you’re handling this well OP, ultimately she is now old enough to know that she can’t dictate when you’re in your own house and who spends time with your child. In my experience, she probably needs you to do this so she can have an excuse for her mum as to why she has to meet you. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does want to meet and get to know her sibling but doesn’t really know how.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon situation in family court and ultimately the resident parent has the biggest opportunity to set the narrative for the child. Court enforced access is often not nice for the child, especially when you then have to go home to the parent who is poisoning you against it. Stand your ground gently, and I think in the long run there is a good chance of success.

@Lili10 this is what I would do.

For some DC it's better to have one stable home than 50:50 after a protracted legal battle leaving both parents with no money for bringing up DC. Dad has clearly done his best to keep in DD life. He has also protected dc2 from stress of a court battle and unhappy stepsister in the home.

This is what he aimed for. He tried formal mediation and legal letters from his solicitor. They initially worked but anytime he had prolonged contact DSD got very upset and wanted to go back to her mum after 10 mins so he decided court would be too stressful for her and she was already going through a lot. He tried every week to meet / make contact and wrote letters and cards to keep the door open. The ex made the DSD decide and DSD was the one saying she didn't want to meet him (from 9yrs onwards) so it would have been like he was taking her to court.

He had therapy for this for 6 months and the only advice was for him to keep the door open for her with ongoing attempts and letters as the ex would not see them as a threat.

In hindsight maybe other paths would have been better but she was already very stressed, so he was in a way trying to protect her from more stress and hurt.

Do you all go to events at the school like sports day, speech day, Christmas etc @Lili10 ?

Did he ever clarify that as they had the same father, they are actually blood related?
I'm agreeing with the spineless comments.

Of course, as this is obviously total nonsense and factually incorrect if nothing else. I also don't think it would come from the mind of an 11 year old. He gave loads of examples of divorced kids / parents etc, but we don't think it's her he needs to convince - we think she's just repeating stuff and hoping the difficult conversation goes away, which is horrible for her.

Do you all go to events at the school like sports day, speech day, Christmas etc @Lili10 ?

@justasking111 no, this is her safe space and I think it would be an intrusion to her world. If I've met her and we have a civil respect / relationship then maybe I'd feel differently but I don't think it would be fair at the moment.

Sounds like he has handled it very well. There are no simple answers here, his daughter is coming back to him now, let this process develop at her pace and I have no doubt you’ll be amazed at the results

Yeah this^^

He took the lazy approach. Yes it was probably a difficult ex behind it all but think how it looked to his dd? Like he walked out her life and started a new one with you. The mum may have been whispering spite into her ear but his actions backed it up. He should have gone to court years ago.

Anyway I would not be consenting to my child having a relationship with the girl if I hadn't met her. I would try to vacate the house a fair bit if I knew she struggles with my presence but I would not be told to do this it would be my choice

I've got a lot of personal experience with various step family dynamics, mostly from the perspective of a child struggling with all this kind of thing. So I do sympathise with the SD. But, I agree with an earlier poster who said:

It is not reasonable for her to decide how she interacts with her half-sister. You need to protect your daughter from emotional turmoil too and it's not good for your 4yo to spend time with someone who is so angry about your (her mother's) existence that she can't even meet you. She can meet your daughter when your daughter is old enough to decide (I would guess about age 16, in 12 years).

What a mess his ex has made of her child by inflicting her issues. You’ll be lucky if the poor girl doesn’t grow up the same if it’s been like this for 15 years of her life. I think at this point he has to be gently firm. He needs to tell her he loves her, she is part of his family, and that includes her step sister and his wife. Tell her everyone is equally welcome in this family, and nobody is going to be left out. Tell her she has a room in his house and would be very loved and welcome. But tell her it is not right to expect other family members to have to go out. Tell her she’s nearly an adult now, but her sister is very little and wants her mum around. She may flounce a little and strop, but I bet she’ll come round. And he doesn’t need the ex’s opinion on anything nowadays. He can talk to his child himself.

I know it’s hard. I’ve been a stepmum myself and watched my husband jump through hoops for contact with his child.

Who was the person who said a childs personality is set by the age of seven. Does anyone remember?

And @StormingNorman plenty of people have expressed an opinion about her. (Including calling her a brat and yet you are only focusing on me) Thats what you risk by posting on a public forum Thems the breaks

Yes she may not even want children thats true But i bet if someone posted that their 15 year old didnt want kids you would be saying that they couldnt possibly know that at this age. And what i posted earlier "i would never date a man with kids" is precisely because of situations like this.

THIS!

Quelle surprise!

Yep the bar for men is low So low

Really @Lili10 is daddy banned too?

But all those school fees mean less for you as a second family. @Lili10 . Will he be paying for university tuition fees, accommodation Etc because that's £20k a year.

Your idea of a quick hi and bye is a really nice one. It takes a lot of the pressure off both of you.

One of the things that might be getting in her way now is that she’s left it too long, so breaking the ice in the way you suggested could be just what your relationship needs to get going.

wish you well x

What do you know about this girl’s personality? Nothing.

I’m replying to you because you are replying to me. But while a lot of people have been unkind, your post sold out to me as being particularly nasty.

Yes im sure i will be worrying all week about what you think

My opinion of you isn’t important at all. Take a minute to reflect on your attitude towards a child though.

And what about the 4 year old who is almost a decade younger than her. Why should she be potential collateral damage for whims of the "D" H and his daughter. As @changedwwyd said you dont know what the 15 year old could end up saying to the younger one. Especially as she doesnt think much of the little ones mum. So take a moment to reflect on your dismissal of the POSSIBLE risk to the 4 year old hearing something she shouldnt

We haven’t been discussing the other child. We’ve been talking about your attitude to the older child, which was a pretty aggressive assumption that she’ll ignore the SM now and demand childcare later on. You attacked a child you know nothing about apart from that she has emotional problems.

Shes 15 The younger child is 4 Would like to point out at this stage that 15 IS above the age of criminal responsibility.

The only reason you are putting a 15 year olds whims AND the whims of her father above the possible risk of what she MAY say to a 4 year old child (the child of a woman she doesnt think much of) is because she is a step child. There ARE parallels with the thread i posted. I suspect you are pissed cos i found the thread i was talking about