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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

204 replies

Lili10 · 17/06/2024 15:30

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 17/06/2024 16:24

Harvestfestivalknickers · 17/06/2024 15:43

I'd be tempted to say your DC doesn't want to meet her.

But that's not necessarily true I don't see OP has the right to say her dds dad can't take her alone to meet her sibling, that's just as controlling as ex is painted to be.

Reugny · 17/06/2024 16:24

I get that after all this time that she doesn't want to meet me - why would she? She's been allowed to choose for so long and she's not really interested in creating a relationship with me, which is fine.

Children who aren't brought up by selfish parents who use them in their emotional games are happy to meet their mum or dad's new partner.

Reugny · 17/06/2024 16:24

RedHelenB · 17/06/2024 16:24

But that's not necessarily true I don't see OP has the right to say her dds dad can't take her alone to meet her sibling, that's just as controlling as ex is painted to be.

Show quote history

The OP is allowed to say that if she wants.

But that will be playing into the batshit that the SD is doing.

Arewealljustloosingtheplot · 17/06/2024 16:25

Lili10 · 17/06/2024 16:21

Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not mad / selfish. I get that after all this time that she doesn't want to meet me - why would she? She's been allowed to choose for so long and she's not really interested in creating a relationship with me, which is fine.

But I don't want to get kicked out of the house and I would like it to be in a healthier place (ideally) before my child is included (nothing massive, just that we have met / had a coffee and are civil - I'm not expecting miracles). When she's older (my child) it will be different and she can choose which I will do my best to support.

And I get the comments about my DH being spineless. It's probably the other part that annoys me - he's wrapped around her little finger, but I don't even think she knows she's done this. I assume she's just trying to have an easier time with her mum and her dad which I can't blame her for. I think she has been through a lot.

It's a bit of a mess.

I just can’t believe she’s been allowed to behave this was for so many years.

these aren’t gentle parents , they are useless ones.

I would absolutely not let my child meet her until they are at least 8 or 9 and can make their own choice. It’s a disgrace that she’s been indulged and waiting 4 years to want to meet her step sibling is just horrible tbh. She sounds so so messed up.

this really isn’t normal.

LonginesPrime · 17/06/2024 16:29

OP, your DH should just give her the option of either coming to the house but accepting you and DC will be there for at least some of the time as you all live there too, or she can choose to go out somewhere with him if she'd prefer.

But exiling you like some dirty little secret is absolutely not on, and the fact he calls YOU selfish for refusing to leave your own home and hide outside so he can pretend you and DC don't exist is beyond the pale.

Reugny · 17/06/2024 16:31

I would absolutely not let my child meet her until they are at least 8 or 9 and can make their own choice.

@Arewealljustloosingtheplot that's a good point.

As in 5 years time hopefully the SD would have met more people with divorce/separated parents her own age who aren't nasty and/or useless, otherwise there is a risk of the OP's joint DC being damaged by their half-sister's games.

Original poster

Lili10 · 17/06/2024 16:53

Yes, I'm trying to prevent making it even worse. We talk about his DD so it's not hidden away like a secret person. We've just always been "busy" when my DH goes off to meet her, so she hasn't noticed weirdness yet but I'm sure it's a matter of time.

OP posts:

Beachballplayer · 17/06/2024 16:58

I can't believe he has let his ex wife dominate your relationship for this long that's awful and how awful for you. I certainly would not be letting her meet your child untill your child is old enough to know everything that has gone on, given the ex wife and the daughter have been like this for years I would say they are up to something.

Newestname002 · 17/06/2024 17:32

@Lili10

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

Your husband is firing bullets at the wrong person. He should consider that his Ex has alienated their daughter from a very young age and, perhaps, continues to do so. You've done nothing to be guilted about, so Don't be bullied into leaving your home with or without your child. He will have to step up and tell his daughter that you, his wife, mother to his baby, co-owner if the house she's planning to visit, will be in her own home if she wants to be. If that doesn't work for his daughter then he'll need to think of an alternative. Absolutely don't dance to the tune they're playing, or where will this end? 🌹

Ponderingwindow · 17/06/2024 17:39

His older dd isn’t the villain here. She was a scared young child when all of this started and none of the adults in her life sat down and dealt with her complex feelings. Assigning words like ‘manipulative’ or saying she is playing ‘games’ is unfair. She is essentially still acting like a 6 year old because her parents messed up and didn’t guide her emotional development on this issue.

once she gets out on her own, she may gain some perspective. However, that perspective is simply going to allow her to finally direct her anger properly to her parents instead of her step-mother. It’s not actually going to help the situation or heal the family.

the father needs to be proactive and fix this.

DexaVooveQhodu · 17/06/2024 17:41

It is not reasonable for this teenager to kick you out of your home. She can continue to meet her dad on neutral territory or go on holiday with him etc.

It is not reasonable for her to decide how she interacts with her half-sister. You need to protect your daughter from emotional turmoil too and it's not good for your 4yo to spend time with someone who is so angry about your (her mother's) existence that she can't even meet you. She can meet your daughter when your daughter is old enough to decide (I would guess about age 16, in 12 years)

Newgirls · 17/06/2024 18:12

Op - can you say to your dh that you’d love to meet his daughter and have him relay that to her? If she agrees then great and keep it really short and upbeat. You show them all how to behave like a decent person

Original poster

Lili10 · 17/06/2024 18:30

I tried something like this. My DH and I discussed it and agreed I'd write her a short note saying that I'd really like to meet her when she's ready and I'm not expecting anything and won't try and be a "mum" or mate but I just wanted to help her spend more time with her Dad and sister etc etc. I also said I'd only write this once so she didn't have to worry about me giving more notes and intruding in her space / life.

My DH gave her the letter when they were together and she read it and said she's still not ready and "maybe next year", which may as well be 50 years because it's so not committal.

She said she doesn't hate me she's just not ready to meet me.

OP posts:

Fgshwga · 17/06/2024 18:38

From reading all the replies it sounds like you have a DH who is a pushover and your SD mother is a control freak ..... with SD caught in the middle as a young child who has been allowed to call the shots

Your DH should have gone to court the minute his ex stopped contact and not bowed down to her demands - your SD would have been better off and had a better, healthier relationship with everyone involved.

Stop letting him - and by extension the sd and ex - control you, your home and your joint daughter.
If SD wants to come and stay at your home then she has to get over the fact that you will be there with your child - if she doesn't like it then she doesn't come and stay.
It's pretty much too late for the court route as she will have her own mind and can vote with her feet about contact

Seriestwo · 17/06/2024 18:44

Mumsnet is the right place to come with this sort of problem!

I agree with PP, regardless of her “readiness” it’s your home. I’d not be leaving it, she’s mature enough to understand complexity and that 4 year olds need their mums. She needs to toughen up a bit.

MsCactus · 17/06/2024 18:49

Just say to SDD that you're not comfortable your DD meeting someone you haven't met, as she's so little, but she's more than welcome to meet you both together

Weepingwillows12 · 17/06/2024 18:51

Oh god. It's been blown up in to this huge thing when it should have been more minor. At 15, knowing I had refused to meet my dads wife and making a big deal of it would have felt impossible to back away from. Could it be engineered in a way where she goes to yours but you and your 4 year old are out but you just pop back to drop off the 4 year old say hi then leave or something similar this time? Sort of build up to it. You need to break the cycle somehow but I have sympathy for you and her in this. Organising "the meeting" is a big deal.

frogswimming · 17/06/2024 18:52

I'd let her meet your dc. It's a stepping stone. She feels guilty / is influenced / controlled by the ex not to want to meet you. Maybe she's gaining more control over of her own opinions / feelings about meeting you both. Both daughters have the opportunity to gain some sort of relationship with each other, I'd facilitate that if I could.

ARichtGoodDram · 17/06/2024 18:55

-She said she doesn't hate me she's just not ready to meet me.

I’d say it’s more like she’s not ready to go against her mother…

ARichtGoodDram · 17/06/2024 18:58

I can totally understand why you would feel like it’s not right, but I would let her meet your DD.

This is likely a massive step in terms of going against her mother’s wishes.

It doesn’t have to be in your home but your DH could take them both for lunch or the likes.

It’s a natural stepping stone that as she gets to know her sibling she’s going to want to come to birthdays and Christmas and obviously you’ll be there for that. That sibling relationship is a very good way for her to become part of all your lives without her having to face her mother head on over meeting you specifically.

DullFanFiction · 17/06/2024 19:14

I suspect this child is trying to please everyone. Your dh, her mum and the only solution to her atm is to meet her dad wo you because if you are there, she knows her mum will kick off.

It’s incredibly hard to navigate imo.
And I suspect being happy to see you will only come when she’ll feel strong enough to say NO to her mum.
She is only 15yo, too young to stand her ground still.

JenniferBooth · 17/06/2024 19:23

Shes not ready to meet you.....after 7 years. That is absolute madness, and your DH is buying into it. No way should you have to leave your house because she's "not ready" and to be honest I bet when she's 30 she still won't be ready

Oh i rather think she will..................when she has her own kids and wants unpaid childcare! Seen that on here before

BreatheAndFocus · 17/06/2024 19:23

Don’t leave your house! You’ve done nothing wrong. I wouldn’t let your DD meet her without you. Frankly, I wouldn’t trust her, whether she’s doing this through malice or because she’s messed up.

She’s 15. Does she really think her peers wait 9 yrs to meet their half-siblings and their parents’ new partners after a divorce? They’d laugh at her if they knew.

crumblingschools · 17/06/2024 19:30

Why did DH have another child whilst still having issues with the first one? Surely contact (by court if necessary) should have been sorted. This is one mixed up teenager with 2 rubbish parents

JenniferBooth · 17/06/2024 19:35

I would never date a man with kids.

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