AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

[Lili10]

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

Ok you have laid the groundwork. I think popping in at the end of the visit just to say hi is a good idea. Her wanting to meet your daughter is a good thing. It would be really sad if she didn’t. And then you say hi and head upstairs or whatever to keep it light

This is total nonsense and your DH is a very weak man.

She doesn't have to meet you but you shouldn't have to leave you're home too!

I think your DH can meet her outside the house. I would not put up with this leaving the house nonsense.

Tbf, it's probably her mother .... she is torn in terms of alliance towards her mother. I would not be harsh on the child. The parents are incompetent and ridiculous.

Perhaps OP should perch on the end of the bed as well as if she is the fucking teenager

You have a dh problem
He's bent over backwards keeping her happy at your expense
You and your child are a package
She doesn't get to meet one with out the other
I don't even think this is what the child wants ,the mum will be pulling the strings

I’m so pleased to see the support you’re receiving. I was half expecting some comments that you should sell your home to free up so cash to rent a place so the SD can have her way.

not selfish. If a 15 year olds choice is respected as should yours be. Your daughter is your baby, only right you’d want to meet the person they’re meeting. Would you leave your husbands friend who is says is nice to babysit if you hadn’t met him. Of course not!

he needs to grow up, put you first or ship out xx

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Be clear with you DH, there will be no “overnight stays” if it means you are forced from your own home.

Not a chance would my child be meeting someone who can’t be civil enough to meet me for a coffee.

Personally,I would not of moved in or married or had a baby or committed in any way to a man ,who's child I had not met ,and continued to spend time with .
But as to now ..
Definitely refuse to leave your house for her to come over ... utterly ridiculous
You might as well let her wipe your feet on you on the way out
Op stop putting up with this nonsense

I am always the side of misunderstood teenagers in these situations but I agree with this comment:

“It is not reasonable for her to decide how she interacts with her half-sister. You need to protect your daughter from emotional turmoil too and it's not good for your 4yo to spend time with someone who is so angry about your (her mother's) existence that she can't even meet you.”

The ex is infecting the whole family with her toxic ideology. Don’t let it infect yours. This kid is probably scared of going against the grain out of loyalty to her bitter and twisted mum at this point so I would definitely engineer an ‘accidental’ bright and breezy meeting to break the deadlock. Take the decision out of immature and frankly, fucked up (albeit not her fault) hands.

Your poor DD, she has a 15 year old sister who she has never met. They have both missed out on what could have been the start of a lovely sibling bond.

I agree with you OP that your DH's DD has been given far too much control in this situation (probably facilitated/encouraged by her mum) and that by not putting down some boundaries sooner you have ended up here.

I wouldn't want to have to hide away and I would want to be there to support my DD when meeting her big sister for the first time. If DH and SD won't agree, then they will just have to continue meeting out of the house, at least until your daughter is older and able to advocate for herself better (8ish?).

My main concern would be that it will actually be very difficult for DSD to see her dad be dad to a little one, and without you there, there will be no one to 'dilute' that. I think it could actually end up being worse all round

Irrelevant 🤷

It’s all very well saying you’d never date a man with kids but you can’t help who you fall in love with.

OP stand your ground, you and your child come as a package.

I’d not put up with this hullabaloo for a moment longer if I was you. You’ve been very sympathetic and accommodating the DSD but common. I would absolutely pull rank here and be like ehhhmmm… nope. It’s both of us or not at all. Don’t let her shut you out of your own family or it will go on and on and on…
and on. 💐

I think in this instance it seems like a DD that is trying not to go against her mum & that now she’s ready to meet your DD I’d let it go ahead. You’ve had a child with this man so clearly you trust him to parent your child & want what’s best for her so I’d see it as a halfway point & push myself onto her by ‘accidentally intruding’ as some are saying. Hopefully that goes a long way with the SD & that she feels more likely to want to meet you. I think because it’s gone on so long she doesn’t know how to say yes to meeting you & now meeting your daughter sort of opens that up. But I’d be talking to you DH about how you feel about it & that you’re only agreeing in this instance as it’s a big step that she’s agreed to meet her sister. I think once they meet & she sees how lovely your DD is she’ll think you can’t be that bad to raise such a little star.

But I think you need to talk about some sort of timescales with your DH & that you won’t be doing this much longer. You can’t be made to leave your home whenever he wants to see his DD. However if you walk in I think you could mess it all up & show her ‘you couldn’t be trusted & that she was right not to meet you’ & your DH could lay the blame at your feet (even though it’s not your fault & this never have been allowed to go on so long)

I feel for your step daughter having been in a similar position myself as a child, it will be her mum making her feel awful for meeting and accepting her dads new partner. I expect her refusal to accept you is coming from a fear of hurting her mum. I’m not sure how she can have a relationship with her new half sibling without accepting that you’re a part of her life. It’ll be confusing for your child, they shouldn’t have to be dragged into this mess. I’m not sure what the answer is. Family therapy?

I'd have walked away by now but I don't doubt the dd will be no contact with her mother as soon as she realises her narcissistic tendencies.
Maybe she'll turn to you then because she won't go through her entire life and not see the game playing and manipulating by this controlling mother.

If she walks in? Its her fucking house!

I feel for your step daughter having been in a similar position myself as a child, it will be her mum making her feel awful for meeting and accepting her dads new partner. I expect her refusal to accept you is coming from a fear of hurting her mum

Yes. I agree with this. My DH asked his ex recently if she could help support DS with taking the next step but she said that whenever she tries to talk to her about it DS just cries and finds it too upsetting, which I do believe is true as I'm sure it's easier to do this than actually talk about with her mum. So I do feel very sorry for her, but I still want some boundaries now.

Bit of a reach. That’s a child you’re projecting on.

It would be a mistake to stop your daughter meeting her older sibling. They are sisters and I can’t see how it with damage your DD at all.

Dad can take the two girls somewhere for the day.

Is it? there was a thread on here where exactly that happened The SD wouldnt even speak to her SM for years and the DH offered to look after SDs baby SM ended up doing it and SD was ok with her child being looked after by someone she hated. What do you think i meant by seen it on here before

I mean even if she did meet you.. you can't force her to accept you as her step mum.

And yet the SD and the "D" H can force her out of her own house

In the step daughters mind her and her mum also come as a 'package' and rightly or wrongly she feels disloyal to her mum for meeting the OP. If it were me I would never,ever leave my house so she could come over but I would probably let my husband take the two girls out for lunch so they can meet each other. It's in the best interest of everyone for the sisters to know each other.

And here it is
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4888934-caring-for-step-grandchild

Her parents separated when she was 6, she's now 15, she probably cannot even remember them being together!!
This situation has occurred due to her bitter mother manipulating her, she's not the only person who has divorced parents, time to grow up & move on.