AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

[Lili10]

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

It's a bit of a mess. But no time like the present to start fixing it. Taking on some of the advice here is a good start. Follow this path with no changes to accommodate your needs and your dcs needs it's going to get way worse.

Good link posted earlier. to other thread, to see what the future might hold.

We all make mistakes, and I think your DH needs to acknowledge those and he too must make changes and have a frank chat with the DS.

Hope it gets better

Yeah that doesn’t mean the OP has to move out of her own home to facilitate that.

The DH can meet her on his own at any time. This is just a power play by a 15 year old to see how far her dad will go out of guilt.

I doubt she has any real intention of meeting her sister either.

It’s sad she has been encouraged to act this way but this is toxic behaviour now and OP needs to draw a line.

I think all these people saying DSD is a manipulative bitch etc etc are forgetting that she was 6 years old when her parents split up, 8 when her father started a relationship with OP. 100 percent it will not be the child who didn’t want to have anything to do with OP, at 8 years old she should have been supported by both her loving parents to be involved with both of their new lives. The poor child, she must be so messed up. Both parents have failed her.

Your dh should've stood up this years ago and gone to court. You now have a rude and entitled 15 year old.
I wouldn't be going out, she either accepts you or doesn't meet your child. This teenager has learnt from her parents how to manipulate goodness knows what she'll say to your child

By ensuring that she doesn’t have a relationship with her half sister or stepmum? And that she feels so uncomfortable and conflicted that she can’t be in the same room as someone who has done nothing wrong to her? You do know that you don’t always need to do what kids want right? That sometimes it’s better to make decisions in their best interests. This is very clearly not in this girls best interests and speaks of emotional abuse from the mum. But you applaud it somehow.

For fucks sake, I know its only a few idiots but you do not give this power to a 15 year old. There is not a single reason to do so. This 15 year old is going to have an awful life with awful relationships due to her mother and father. Your DH needs to say no to this. It isn't appropriate and please, do not leave your house again. Call his bluff if you need to ffs. Do not let him or his child control you and your child. Do not let your child be around that fucked up dynamic.

I don’t think it is reversed. Usually sm’s taking time away from sc’s is due to repeated scenarios of fuckery that the fathers aren’t dealing with so sm’s withdraw. This 15 year old has nothing to withdraw from, she hasn’t been treated badly so it’s not reverse it’s the product of the ex being jealous he’s moved on and drip feeding poison in her ear and a dad who isn’t ballsy enough to stand up to it and parent right from wrong

Agree, and asking to meet her stepsister might be a bridge to that.

I wouldn’t be being kicked out of my own house, but I would encourage a relationship between the two sisters - your DD will be chattering about you so she will be hearing all about you anyway, and when SD lives by herself in five years if they have a decent relationship and meet up often, this position is going to become more and more ridiculous for SD to stick to.

I can't believe your DH hasn't spoken to his daughter , spoken up for you and told her how much this refusal is hurting him. He is willing to hurt and marginalise you, his wife, rather than speak up for you to a child.

This is coming from the ex not the girl. The ex has poisoned SD against her dad and against you. The ex probably is 'allowing' the girl to have some sort of relationship with her dad now because the girl is insisting or potentially for financial reasons - does the ex want the dad to pay for college fees maybe?

But the poison against you in still strong.

The girl is the victim in this situation, please try not to feel anger at her (or indeed her mum who is also hurting) and please try not to feel animus towards your DP for being spineless or whatever - he's in a difficult situation.

In toxic family situations like this everyone has a point of view and everyone's is valid to them - it's pointless trying to sort out who's right or wrong. Your best bet is to behave with the most sanity and integrity that you can.

So what is the sanest and most dignified course of action here?

1. Don't leave your home but offer to stay out of the way if that's not too inconveniencing.
2. Allow your DD to meet her step sister, but don't hide away during the meeting - if you want to be with your DD at the meeting because she's young, that's fair, but don't expect or demand any acknowledgement from your stepD

Things will change over time, they never stay static - just keep sanity, integroty and politeness as your guiding stars and you'll get through it with your heart and soul intact.

Thanks everyone - the reassurance is massively helpful. As an update, had a long chat with my DH. We agreed that he would tell her that he will not ask me and our DD to leave the house anymore. We did it once as a first step and when she's ready she can come and meet us and is welcome anytime.

On our DD, I have said I'm not ready for it as I think DD is too young and it's not a healthy situation. I do not blame my DSD for this mess at all but I don't fully trust that it hasn't had a negative impact on her and therefore how she'll behave and I don't know how my DH will manage that. However I don't want to be like the Mum and controlling so I would consider them having a coffee together (or something), on the provision I say hi and introduce myself and then I go to the shops. When my DD is older then she can obviously say what she'd like and I will do my best to help.

My DH said he was scared of losing contact again, but I said that she's 15 now and is proactively choosing to contact him herself so I can't see this happening. DH / DSD had a Skype session last night and I heard him tell her (I made sure I could hear...). Apparently she said ok but not much else.

I don't believe she fully understands what she is doing (or the full consequences of it at least) and I don't believe she is being nasty and I think most of it is her Mum controlling her and the DSD looking for the 'safest' route. But I would like to push back on some of the extreme behaviour and set boundaries.

My DH says that she's really sweet and she's going to come around, but I worry about that. Because I think she's going to have to unlearn so much crap from her Mum or have the feeling that she's betraying her mum OR have the realisation that her mum has done a lot of damage and then creates a problem between her and her mum instead, which also isn't healthy.

Because I think she's going to have to unlearn so much crap from her Mum or have the feeling that she's betraying her mum OR have the realisation that her mum has done a lot of damage and then creates a problem between her and her mum instead, which also isn't healthy.

And that’s your dh job imo.
To be there to support/parent her whilst she deals with the recognition that her mum might not have behaved well.
I get you wish this wasn’t the case or you are worried about it but I dint think it would be right for you/your dh to step away ‘because it’s too hard work/messy’. Unfortunately, that is also part of the package.

This is coming from the ex not the girl. The ex has poisoned SD against her dad and against you. The ex probably is 'allowing' the girl to have some sort of relationship with her dad now because the girl is insisting or potentially for financial reasons - does the ex want the dad to pay for college fees maybe?

She's asked for him to fully pay for private school because DSD "needs it" (because she's shy - not educational needs) and she can't afford it. Which he is doing. He didn't agree with her going to private school but ex said it was essential and told DSD her dad didn't care about her education and wanted to keep all his money to himself.

So he gave in to prove her wrong.

But I think this is why contact improved.

CantDealWithChristmas
Things will change over time, they never stay static - just keep sanity, integroty and politeness as your guiding stars and you'll get through it with your heart and soul intact.

Thanks - this is really helpful x

And that’s your dh job imo.
To be there to support/parent her whilst she deals with the recognition that her mum might not have behaved well.
I get you wish this wasn’t the case or you are worried about it but I dint think it would be right for you/your dh to step away ‘because it’s too hard work/messy’. Unfortunately, that is also part of the package.

I agree. But I think to help DSD the direction needs to come from her. I'm trying to be "present" but give her the space to not make her life harder. But we'd never step away.

OP That’s a really positive step forward.

it sounds like your DH has been a complete wet blanket and his ex a manipulative cow. I do hope he can afford to send your DC to private school too and not let them be disadvantaged because of his guilt payments to DC1.

it seems to me a child has been placed in-between her warring parents and is just trying to keep everyone happy. doesn't want to hurt her mum doesn't want to hurt her dad.

DH should've been making much more of an effort regarding contact even if that was going to court before focusing on a relationship and new family. he didn't see her for 2 years ffs.

I wouldn't leave your home but let him take them out and ease into it, try and get to the bottom of how she's feeling.

no but its easier to blame the villainous step kids.

and all she knows is at 8 when he started seeing someone new she didn't see him for 2 years and then saw him for an hour a week.

to any child even the most balanced, this would feel like abandonment and loss of a parent.

Yes, money is often a factor when circumstances change in this type of situation. Don't judge the ex for that - if she thinks DSD needs private school then so be it and she will get an excellent education. It's not a sin to be mindful of money and want the best for your kid.

Also don't assume that contact only improved because of that - as a teen, DSD is getting to know her own mind and wants to know her dad and potentially step sis. She will gradually free herself from her mum's toxic viewpoint towards you, and she will be old enough to make up her own mind about her dad and yourself. But be prepared that this may take years and not happen until well into her 20s. You can't force change - all you can do is behave in a way that makes you proud of yourself and mentally sane, and protect your peace of mind and your DD. If you do this, the ex's bullshit can't hurt you and you'll be able to hold her head high. It sounds like you are doing exactly that xx

You're joking, right? A dad who genuinely put his child first would have gone to court for 50:50 access ages ago. Not left said child to be irredeemably screwed up by her batshit mother. OP letting the two of them screw up her own child as well won't remedy the situation.

If I were your dh I’d be saying to dsds mum ‘if she won’t even come and stay with us how exactly is this painfully expensive school helping her development? Maybe I should be putting the money to therapy instead, I do have another child to pay school fees for.’ Ie show some bloody backbone. Not in writing that she can twist to turn dsd against him though.

There is not a single bit of behaviour from either the mother or the father that is admirable in this case.

they have both fucked up BIG TIME.

He did not ‘put his child first’ he put his fear of his ex first and became a puppet in her games to the absolute DETRIMENT of the kid. He’s let everyone down. Including his new wife and child. He has been spineless and really quite idiotic.

he is not to be admired!

Your DH has fucked up massively here and unfortunately his children are now paying the price.

What was he thinking getting married and having a baby with someone his daughter hadn't even met? How on earth was that ever going to work out for anyone involved? Especially when he didn't even see his oldest child for two years?

Honestly, I think I would be having second thoughts about the entire relationship.

Your dsd is making steps in your direction at a pace she can cope with, I think it would be a big mistake to rebuff this in any way, your DH is right that this could cause her to withdraw. 15 is such a delicate age with all the stress of exams and being aware that her parents don’t get on and having clearly built up a lot of anxiety about seeing you/sibling.
if you allow her to meet her sibling and withdraw from the space, she may very well respect and gain trust in you for it. If you refuse to allow her to meet her sibling unless you are there, she may feel that yoj anre trying to force her to have a relationship with you using her sibling as a bargaining chip, and of course this will make her mistrust you. I think the advice you’re mostly been given on this thread is very poor. I realise this will be unlikely to sway you but if you and DH had a one off meeting with a well qualified family therapist or clinical psychologist I believe they would tell you what I’m saying is correct