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Original poster

AIBU - Step daughter refuses to meet me

204 replies

Lili10 · 17/06/2024 15:30

My DH separated from his ex when his DD was 6 They'd been together for 20 years. We met 2 years later. His ex reacted very badly to the relationship and told my DH that their DD would never accept me.

She then stopped my DH seeing their DD because she was (according to his ex) too upset to see him. After 2 years, he managed to get contact (an hour a week) and the DD said she didn't want to meet me. The ex said she could not help as it was to my DH to "fix" things with his DD.

So he only ever met her by himself in cafes etc and we didn't push anything through fear of losing contact or doing further damage to the DD. He didn't go through court as his ex made it clear that it would damage their DD too much. So he took the gentle approach.

We then had a child. He told his DD (who was 11) and she said she didn't want to meet our child as she wasn't related as they had different mothers. Again, we didn't push anything to keep the contact for him and his DD stable.

The DD is now 15. My DH and her go on holiday together once a year. She came to our house to stay once, on the condition that me and our youngest were away (her condition - she said she wasn't ready to meet us). We agreed to this to show her that she had a bedroom and a space that was hers (her mother told her she had no place in our life).

She now wants to come again, as long as we're away again. But she has also said she would be willing to consider meeting our child (4) but she's not ready to meet me.

My DH is very happy and is delighted with this, however I have said that I'm not willing for our child to meet her without me and I don't want to be kicked out of our house again. I feel like we've done enough and she and my DH can absolutely have a relationship but I don't want to have to keep hiding and I don't think it's healthy for our child to be part of that at the moment whilst she's little.

My DH says I'm being selfish, but I don't know what to do for the best now.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 18/06/2024 20:54

Plenty of us on here HAVE been discussing the younger child. Quite frankly your dismissal of the potential risk to her is worse than anything ive said

JenniferBooth · 18/06/2024 20:56

@StormingNorman Your comment "WE havent been discussing the other child" says it all

justasking111 · 18/06/2024 22:08

Meanwhile back at the ranch.

Hopefully one day the 15 year old will realise that her mother didn't always tell the truth

StormingNorman · 18/06/2024 22:22

JenniferBooth · 18/06/2024 20:48

Shes 15 The younger child is 4 Would like to point out at this stage that 15 IS above the age of criminal responsibility.

The only reason you are putting a 15 year olds whims AND the whims of her father above the possible risk of what she MAY say to a 4 year old child (the child of a woman she doesnt think much of) is because she is a step child. There ARE parallels with the thread i posted. I suspect you are pissed cos i found the thread i was talking about

Show quote history

I’m not pissed you found the other thread. I haven’t even read it. We were not talking about the child and her younger sibling. We were talking about the disgusting way you spoke about a child. You basically character assassinated a child.

And WTF does the age of criminal responsibility have to do with anything. You have lost the plot.

I’m not putting the “whims” (if that’s how you want to term emotional disturbance and possible emotional abuse) of a teenager above the needs of a younger child so it’s irrelevant whether she’s a step child or a bio child.

I haven’t even been speaking to you about that aspect of the thread. You’ll need to read my other posts to find out what I think about that if you even care.

StormingNorman · 18/06/2024 22:24

JenniferBooth · 18/06/2024 20:54

Plenty of us on here HAVE been discussing the younger child. Quite frankly your dismissal of the potential risk to her is worse than anything ive said

I’ve not spoken to YOU about the other child. I was supportive of how the OP wanted to handle the situation so if you think I’m dismissing the potential risk then you think her mum is too.

StormingNorman · 18/06/2024 22:25

JenniferBooth · 18/06/2024 20:56

@StormingNorman Your comment "WE havent been discussing the other child" says it all

It says nothing.

wizzywig · 18/06/2024 22:28

It may be the case that she will see you when it benefits her

JenniferBooth · 18/06/2024 22:40

StormingNorman · 18/06/2024 07:11

Do you really not see it? You are saying in the bitchiest way possible that a 15 year old girl (who may not even want children) will change her tune when she wants free childcare in a few years time. There are so many leaps and assumptions in what you said it actually is totally irrelevant to the thread and anything the OP is actually dealing with.

But it’s good to see you aren’t a grown woman attacking a child.

Show quote history

And yet in a later post you admit you havent even read the other thread.

JenniferBooth · 18/06/2024 22:41

StormingNorman · 18/06/2024 22:22

I’m not pissed you found the other thread. I haven’t even read it. We were not talking about the child and her younger sibling. We were talking about the disgusting way you spoke about a child. You basically character assassinated a child.

And WTF does the age of criminal responsibility have to do with anything. You have lost the plot.

I’m not putting the “whims” (if that’s how you want to term emotional disturbance and possible emotional abuse) of a teenager above the needs of a younger child so it’s irrelevant whether she’s a step child or a bio child.

I haven’t even been speaking to you about that aspect of the thread. You’ll need to read my other posts to find out what I think about that if you even care.

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Exibit A

ARichtGoodDram · 18/06/2024 22:43

I’m sure the OP will find the personal squabble between posters ever so helpful…

SpringerFall · 18/06/2024 22:51

Why would you have had a child in all this? At 15 they can decide what they like, can you see this ending well?

justasking111 · 18/06/2024 23:24

ARichtGoodDram · 18/06/2024 22:43

I’m sure the OP will find the personal squabble between posters ever so helpful…

Precisely, hopefully they'll fall asleep

SemperIdem · 19/06/2024 00:29

I wouldn’t accept being shunted out of my home to facilitate a relationship that is dead in the water, wouldn’t for one that wasn’t either.

A relative of mine did pretty much what your dh has done, @Lili10 with the interests of the child as a priority. I am closer in age to their child. We are now adults with children of our own. Their relationship is terribly fractious, the now adult child in question cannot comprehend that their dad did what he thought was best for them. They feel abandoned and wronged. A charming but thoroughly difficult and very manipulative adult is the result. There’s huge resentment from one and massive regret for the other. It is sad, their relationship will never recover.

finalboss · 19/06/2024 08:36

SpringerFall · 18/06/2024 22:51

Why would you have had a child in all this? At 15 they can decide what they like, can you see this ending well?

Sure, the OP should just remain childless and sacrifice her wish to ever have a baby on the whims of an unrelated teenager. Ok.

whattodo33x · 19/06/2024 09:04

finalboss · 19/06/2024 08:36

Sure, the OP should just remain childless and sacrifice her wish to ever have a baby on the whims of an unrelated teenager. Ok.

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I know right it's shocking that a poster could actually comment that!

crumblingschools · 19/06/2024 09:15

I don’t think the DH should have had another child until the issues with his first child were sorted.

Feelsodrained · 19/06/2024 09:23

crumblingschools · 19/06/2024 09:15

I don’t think the DH should have had another child until the issues with his first child were sorted.

Sounds like they will never be sorted tbh. He was alienated from his daughter by the mum so why not have another child in a set up where he could actually be a parent?

whattodo33x · 19/06/2024 09:38

crumblingschools · 19/06/2024 09:15

I don’t think the DH should have had another child until the issues with his first child were sorted.

Why do people so freely talk about his other child as if he isn't actually a living, born child that exists! It's awful saying stuff that implies the child shouldn't be there!!!

Nottherealslimshady · 19/06/2024 09:43

Fuck that. A 15 year old is evicting a child and an adult from their home so she can visit. What a mess he's created by pandering like this. She's turning out just like her mother playing power games becuase he's too weak to stand up to either of them. And I don't believe "he didn't go to court because his ex said it wouldn't be in DDs best interest." He didn't go becuase he couldn't be arsed. He couldn't be arsed to fight for.his daughter. He couldn't be arsed to stand up to his ex wife. He can't be arsed to stand up for his wife and child now.

And no one would be meeting my child or forming a relationship with my child that was refusing to meet me or had a problem with me. How is that in your DDs best interest?

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 19/06/2024 10:54

Lili10 · 18/06/2024 09:23

Thanks everyone - the reassurance is massively helpful. As an update, had a long chat with my DH. We agreed that he would tell her that he will not ask me and our DD to leave the house anymore. We did it once as a first step and when she's ready she can come and meet us and is welcome anytime.

On our DD, I have said I'm not ready for it as I think DD is too young and it's not a healthy situation. I do not blame my DSD for this mess at all but I don't fully trust that it hasn't had a negative impact on her and therefore how she'll behave and I don't know how my DH will manage that. However I don't want to be like the Mum and controlling so I would consider them having a coffee together (or something), on the provision I say hi and introduce myself and then I go to the shops. When my DD is older then she can obviously say what she'd like and I will do my best to help.

My DH said he was scared of losing contact again, but I said that she's 15 now and is proactively choosing to contact him herself so I can't see this happening. DH / DSD had a Skype session last night and I heard him tell her (I made sure I could hear...). Apparently she said ok but not much else.

I don't believe she fully understands what she is doing (or the full consequences of it at least) and I don't believe she is being nasty and I think most of it is her Mum controlling her and the DSD looking for the 'safest' route. But I would like to push back on some of the extreme behaviour and set boundaries.

My DH says that she's really sweet and she's going to come around, but I worry about that. Because I think she's going to have to unlearn so much crap from her Mum or have the feeling that she's betraying her mum OR have the realisation that her mum has done a lot of damage and then creates a problem between her and her mum instead, which also isn't healthy.

So they can have a coffee as long as you can say hello ... basically she can only see her sister if she agrees to meet you even tho she has clearly stated she doesn't want to meet you. But you're not controlling like her mother (allegedly) is. Ok.

SemperIdem · 19/06/2024 10:55

crumblingschools · 19/06/2024 09:15

I don’t think the DH should have had another child until the issues with his first child were sorted.

Amazing insight. Should the op hop in her Time Machine to rectify that?

finalboss · 19/06/2024 11:12

It's madness that some posters feel that one child should be pandered to, to the extent that they feel that they should be the line manager of everyone they come across - whilst the other child is so disregarded and diminished that their very existence in the world is being questioned. Madness!

Original poster
Lili10 · 19/06/2024 11:15

So they can have a coffee as long as you can say hello ... basically she can only see her sister if she agrees to meet you even tho she has clearly stated she doesn't want to meet you. But you're not controlling like her mother (allegedly) is. Ok.

Just trying to balance the needs and emotions of two children. Me meeting her is less about me having a relationship with her - I don't expect that and at best, I think it will only be eventual civil tolerance of me. Me meeting her would be about supporting my child in a weird and new situation with someone she's never met before but also a situation that comes with a lot of emotion / expectation.

But I do not want to be a hypocrite, hence the original post.

OP posts:
Feelsodrained · 19/06/2024 11:17

finalboss · 19/06/2024 11:12

It's madness that some posters feel that one child should be pandered to, to the extent that they feel that they should be the line manager of everyone they come across - whilst the other child is so disregarded and diminished that their very existence in the world is being questioned. Madness!

Yeah it’s quite grim. As if it’s the worst thing in the world for a child to have their parent remarry after a divorce. Big whoop - millions of children manage just fine with this and are happy and well adjusted. This girl has been emotionally abused but to pander to her and legitimise this nonsense is so unfair to the younger sister.

Codlingmoths · 19/06/2024 11:18

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 19/06/2024 10:54

So they can have a coffee as long as you can say hello ... basically she can only see her sister if she agrees to meet you even tho she has clearly stated she doesn't want to meet you. But you're not controlling like her mother (allegedly) is. Ok.

Show quote history

Nobody who doesn’t want to meet me would ever meet my baby until she is old enough to be give weight to her own opinion. That is fine by me!