Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

It’s every other weekend and holidays. No couple of times a week. Every 14 days

As your older kids are in secondary school, things will soon change.

Op you do need to address that this isn’t a step parenting issue.

this is him being a shit dad to your joint dc issue.

if he spent every other weekend doing stuff with your joint dc that’s preschool age appropriate, if he pulled his weight around the house, then every other weekend being step kids focussed wouldn’t be an issue.

As they are secondary age already, you’ve only got a few years left of them wanting every other weekend before they are young adults doing their own thing. If at that point he suddenly decides to be a good dad to your joint child it will be too late.

serious talks about how little effort he makes with your joint child. That the lack of interest when step kids are here is upsetting, particularly as he doesn’t make an equal effort the other weekends they are not.

he can’t keep acting like you are the only one who has responsibility for your joint child.

keep the conversation focussed on how little effort he makes with your joint child, only reference the step kids to point out it does make it obvious to you he can be a good involved dad and he does know how to do it for them, so why wont be make equal effort for your joint child?

I do. I’ve got no answers or solutions but I do empathise.

No I think you at reading it wrong. OP’s DH collects the kids and they stay with him for the weekend, every other weekend. OP has also said that he drives up to see them once a week on an evening midweek. So he sees them at least 4 days out of 14, including a couple of overnights. Plus holidays. The travel time is 3 hours each trip, there and back.

How is any of that a step kids issue? It strikes me that he's checked out of his marriage to OP and even if there were no step kids on the scene, he'd still be avoiding OP at weekends

It sounds as though like most parents he has a preference as to age of the children (I prefer the preschool years, DH prefers the older stages). However he doesn’t get to check out of parenting the preschooler just because he prefers the activities that the older kids do. Yes it is more enjoyable to go to the cinema with teenagers who can watch a film that you also like rather than run around a soft play but that is life as a parent.

In saying this you seem to completely overlook the fact he doesn't spend anytime with his youngest even when the step kids aren't there?!

I think he's checked out of your marriage and him not spending time with his youngest is a consequence of that.

OP I'm not dissing you. I can see you are really annoyed with this arrangement. I think there is a major point you are missing though which is the ages. It's completely normal for one parent to take one child to say cricket for most of a day whilst the other one takes a younger one to say swimming lessons

There is a tricky period when dc are young as even a couple of years difference can mean very different activities and concentration spans.

If you only have one child and they are very young you may not have realised this yet. I remember a few years when weekends we were like shops passing in the night.
It may not be a step child thing more just different aged siblings

So you have an issue with him going to the cinema for a couple of hours, even though you’ve got the rest of the weekend and every other day with him?

You have an issue with him doing a 3 hour round trip to see them, but admit you won’t go with him.

You knew he had kids.
You knew that meant driving 3 hours to see them/pick them up.
You knew there would be times when he’d want to spend 1-1 time alone with them.
You knew some things (like the cinema) would be inappropriate for a young child to go to.

I’m not sure what you want from this thread tbh.

Do you want him to not go to cinema?
Do you want him to not go and see their school plays?

He is doing some things wrong - eg the washing. He should be doing everyone’s.

But most of these ‘issues’ are only issues because you’re making them a problem.
And it’s not like this has been sprung on you and so I’m not sure what you want.

Its almost like you’re looking for an excuse to separate and trying to find problems when there aren’t any.

I can’t imagine anyone begrudging their partner for taking the kids to the cinema for a couple of hours.

OP has said he does spend time with the youngest whilst they’re there.

Its just when he takes the older kids to the cinema that he’s away from the youngest.

This happens in non-blended families too and shouldn’t be an issue.

The point I was making @Trulyme is that OP's issue is that on the weekends he has them, he spends time with his older kids to the exclusion of the youngest and as you say in the example of the cinema that is perfect of fine. But when asked what he does on weekends the older kids aren't there, OP says he potters around his shed and catches up on work. That's when he should be sending your doing things focussed on the younger child.

The issue is clearly not the step kids arrangement

Yes I completely agree with you.

If he’s not got his eldest/going to see them then he should be spending most of his free time with his youngest, like other parents do.

When my eldest started spending weekends with his dad at all day even weekend galas. I hated that I was left with the younger ones all day from early in the morning to late evening. But it is part of family life and you have understand that. As you say ,you knew he had children!

I'm sorry but why wouldn't be be doing their washing? Is it because washing is women's work?

again the problem is the dad and lack of balance. OP, you need a chat with your husband. I don’t actually agree that kids should have an activity every time they come. It’s spoilt behaviour and not sustainable. I can see different activities can be suitable for different ages. I.e cinema is fine but split the day it can be cinema morning / afternoon and something you can all to whatever time the cinema isn’t happening. Tomorrow maybe a roast that the eldest can help dad cook then a nice family walk perhaps with a coffee or ice cream. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Easier said than done, believe me but I don’t think your child would be any worse off by the sounds of it if you did split. Yes he might combine the time with his older kids to see your little one but guess what - he will have to find activities they can all do and it will be a miracle because he will be able to as he can’t leave his youngest anywhere or with anyone.

good luck xx

He needs a job...

Where have I said I don't want them to have a relationship

Aren't you grateful that your husband takes his step children somewhere? I would find it very stressful having to deal with 3 children and their different needs at the same time.

i wonder who's idea was that he did his childrens washing? is it a case of he wants to send them back with clean clothing and you refusing to put a wash on until whatever day suits you?

Wtaf. He's always done their washing

I suppose if he lives with your shared DC all the time but only sees his DC every other weekend he wants to prioritise them when he has them. I do think most people with young babies and older children do end up working around the older children anyway.

If he is not being a satisfactory father to your child and a good DH to you the rest of the time that is a separate issue and nothing to do with your stepchildren.

You should be doing stuff as a family, he should include all of you not just your dsc. How old is your LO,? Is he/she old enough to realise that he/she is being sidelined?
When I moved in with my current partner there was my 3 dc, our shared DC and DPs son. On dss's weekend with us DP would always arrange something with all of us. Trip out to the park,, walking, picnics etc.
When it wasn't dsc weekend DP would spend most of the weekend snoring upstairs and ignore all of us including his biological dc. Bio dc actually told his father this, asking, why do we only do stuff when (half sibling)- is here?
He was about 4 at the time so don't think small children pick up on exactly what's right in front of them, because they do!!

Sounds like you’ve made your mind up that he is useless and the relationship is dead.

Absolutely this!