Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

From your updates, it’s clear the problem is not how he is with the step kids, the problem is he’s a shit dad to your joint child and a shit partner to you, but the fact he shows you every other week that he can be a good dad to the step kids highlights just how shit he is to your joint child.

and to be fair to you, if you’d seen him be a good dad to his step kids, there was no warning sign he’d decide to be a shit dad to your joint child.

if your relationship is going to last, time for some serious talks. Spell out he can’t just be grumpy with you and hide in his shed when he doesn’t have the step kids, particularly if he’s going to leave out your joint child from fun things he does with the step kids on their weekends.

(I still would suggest living closer to the step kids before they are secondary -ideally near the school they will go to, even if they are rural, secondary schools are usually in towns. But only if you intend to keep this relationship going long term.)

They are secondary school and it's just not possible to move nearer. I'm sorry but it isn't.

So what did he say when you mentioned the discrepancy/your concerns?

Have you suggested places you can all go? ‘why don’t we all go farm/zoo/soft play/park’ on Sat?

Have you asked why he avoids you/DC on non-contact weekends?

The situation sounds miserable for you, he isn’t a mind reader I’d be having conversations about this to find a happy medium.

Oh and if they’ve gone cinema, can you go along do a bit of shopping or watch a kiddie film then have dinner together?

or meet them after the film for dinner/bowling etc.

We have a 5YO and baby and that’s what we do.

I’m afraid that a family with secondary school kids and a pres schooler are going to do different things. It’s just the nature of the age gaps.

I actually don’t see what he’s doing is wrong. It’s perfectly normal not to do things as a family when you have an age gap. Presumably your child does things with dad on the weekends the step children aren’t here?

he’s with his older kids every other weekend and one night in the week. That leaves you 2 weekends a month and 6 nights one week and 4 nights the other week to do things as a family. If that’s not happening that’s not about the step children it’s about your husband

Chaticat
Yes. Not ALL weekend. But like today he's taking them to the cinema. So that in my mind deliberately excludes me and our Preschooler”

Sorry but you are being a bit silly. We have a 9 year age gap. My husband or I often took our eldest to the cinema alone when youngest was too small. She wouldn’t have been able to go, otherwise.

We weren’t deliberately excluding our other child. Neither is your husband. It’s just practicalities with an age gap.

i wonder who's idea was that he did his childrens washing? is it a case of he wants to send them back with clean clothing and you refusing to put a wash on until whatever day suits you?

you say he only does things with his children when they visit, but you dont say why? is he simply not asking you, is he refusing to take the child you both produced or is it a case of you once again being subborn and refusing to give in any way shape or form.

i am getting a sense of 'they are his kids, he can deal with them'. You sound very bitter than he wants to spend time with his children from a previous relationship.

there's alsorts going on here and i suspect we are not really getting the whole picture

Man who priorities he own needs over that of his children's in a still-a-shit-Dad-with-subsequent-children shocker.

“I actually don’t see what he’s doing is wrong. It’s perfectly normal not to do things as a family when you have an age gap. Presumably your child does things with dad on the weekends the step children aren’t here?”

@Toodleoodleooh - but that OP says that he doesn’t do things with their preschooler on the weekends that the DSC aren’t there. I suspect that if he did then the OP wouldn’t be posting.

Very difficult to do things all together due to these ages, and I doubt he would get valuable time with his other two if he brought you and the pre schooler.

if he’s not pulling his weight as a parent the rest of the time, address this, but I think what he’s doing in his limited time with his older two is fine, he doesn’t need to act like a blended family.

im also sure your pre schooler is ok with it all as long as you’re an attentive mother during these periods. The issue seems to be you thinking solely of you.

Then this is what she needs to address. The step kids are not the issue.

im really not getting 'shit dad' vibes here.. he has his kids every other weekend and on the week where he doesnt have them he sees the mid week! i would have killed to have my ex make that much effort with my two. he had them 1 weekend in 4 because and i quote 'i need some me time too you know, i do still have a life!' now thats a shit dad.

he washes the kids clothes, thats not shit dad! as ive said, theres something we are not being told, because if hes making this much effort for non present children, i suspect theres a reason why no effort is being made with the present one?

all im hearing so far are excuses from the OP why she can't do this and she can't do that. she went into this eyes wide open, and then they produced a child togther yet she doesnt seem to want their child to have a relationship with their siblings?

somethings off

Yet another tediously transactional and cold step-parenting situation.

It isn't the step kids that are the issue. Your DH needs to plan more things for the weekends he doesn't have his children with you and your little one. Then it wouldn't feel so bad that you do things separately when the older children are over.

In terms of doing stuff all together when he does have his children, with an age gap of 2 secondary age children and a pre schooler, it is going to be harder to find activities that you can all enjoy as a family. I have a 5 year age gap between my girls and we often take one each and do a different activity with each one so they both get one on one time with each parent doing something they enjoy. It is just the reality of parenting with an age gap. Your DH needs to step up with your younger child though, for sure.

The op does seem resentful and angry, but I don’t get why she’s fosusing on resenting the step kids, she should be saying it’s brilliant what you do with them, now let’s do it with ours.

I think it's really important that he spends time with the DSC without anyone else there.

BUT it's equally important that you all spend time together, and that he does stuff with your joint child without DSC too.

im a step-mum and i understand how hard it is to navigate it all, my own suspicion is that she doesnt want the step kids and her own children mixing.. there will no doubt be a whole back story we know nothing about.

He has teenagers that he has every other weekend and gives them actual attention and does teen appropriate things with them. Your joint child is clearly much younger if they’re too
Young to go to the cinema, are you saying he should only ever do things that fit you and the baby/toddler in? I think he is doing the right thing and you are being unrealistic

I haven’t read the full thread but have read the OP’s posts. I’m assuming the husband feels (possibly due to pressure from his ex) that nothing should change for his first family as a result of having a second family with you.

presumably he was spending time with his children like this before you/baby came along. So did you not discuss what might need to change? Seems to me you both had different assumptions about this.

I think you are reading it wrong. It’s a 3 hour round trip to collect the DSC, they stay for the weekend EOW. OP’s DH also sees them a couple of time during the week but 3 hours is only the travel time and doesn’t include time spent with the kids.

I think it IS a step kids issue that he is a shit dad to his youngest while being demonstrably capable of being a good dad. He is so wrapped up in being a good dad to the oldest under difficult circumstances that he has completely forgotten his youngest. I’d bet diamonds he would parent his youngest differently/better if he wasn’t so focused on losing the closeness he had with the oldest when he lived with them full time. He’s probably not a shit man, just one that is not realising the negative impact he’s having because he’s trying so hard to negate the negative impact of his first marriage breaking down. He can’t even see his second marriage breakdown hurtling towards him. He isn’t looking.

I think it sounds like everyone I know with Step-kids and a ‘new family’. New wife resents step-kids, new wife left with new baby, husband runs round not wanting to upset old wife or new wife.

It’s three hours every fortnight- get a grip

How old were the step kids when he divorced? I’m guessing that he was a shit father to them too as preschoolers and only improved when they got older. In some ways that does give hope for the future (if you last that long). But it’s no excuse. Get his arse out of the man shed on weekends without the sdc and get yourselves out for family trips aimed at the preschoolers age. Talk to him about what he did with sdc when they were young, maybe you can find something they remember fondly that all five of you can enjoy together?

And get him to put all the laundry in together! We actually do separate laundry here so I’m not against it in general but in your family it’s reinforcing division.

She wants him to parent all his children.

Not just fawn over the prodigal first borns and ignore the youngest.