Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

Just separate. Probably would be a relief for all involved.

Why doesn't he bring your little one with him to visit its siblings?

We pay for them to go to nursery

OP What did you expect to happen, did you expect to be so important that your Husband should forget he had children because he now has you ? What do you want to happen now, do you want him to never see any of his children again to make you happy ? You sound very bitter and selfish. How can you be so jealous of the children seeing their Father?

Oh come off it. I never once said I didn't expect him to stop seeing his children. What I didn't expect was for our child to be second fiddle

But you expect the other children to play second fiddle !

Oh come off it. I never once said I didn't expect him to stop seeing his children. What I didn't expect was for our child to be second fiddle

Your child isn't playing second fiddle to your step kids. Your child is playing second fiddle to your husband's pottering and work. He has a whole weekend without them to engage with his youngest, but you've said he doesn't.

No I don't!

How is he when the dsc aren't there?

Honestly if you feel your child would see his own father more and he'll step up a bit more, I don't think breaking up is a bad idea at all for those reasons.

Hi Op, not sure why you are getting a tough time. Seems like you are the default parent to your joint child and he isn't as invested in the relationship or family time.

How old were the step children when he separated from their mum? I just wonder if he prefers to parent older children and there is a chance he will get better with yours.

However I do know blended families where the Dad just prefers to be the sole parent rather than have family time, that is, isn't keen to share parenting, wants to be control and having no other parent to negotiate with.

Do you suggest family activities, such as swimming or theme parks that might be suitable for you all? If so what is his reaction?

In a perfect world what you like to happen/change from what’s happening now?

So can you verbalise what you did expect?

You knew he leaves the majority of parenting SDC to their Mum so why did you think he would be different this time?

Whilst I can't imagine it is easy parenting with someone who isn't really that into being a Dad, surely some of the issues you have are just having multiple DC with a large age gap. The cinema thing for example, teens aren't going to want to watch anything your pre schooler is into. We have a 7YO and 2 YO. One parent is often out at clubs/parties with eldest while the other potters with the 2YO. Or did you expect the older DC to suck it up and spend their lives doting on your young DC at Pepper Pig World?

It will be different when your LO is older - it’s hard to find family stuff each weekend that suits both teenagers and toddlers - if they were all your bio kids you’d probably find yourself in exactly the same situation a lot of the weekend - activities wise, of course you wouldn’t have the three-hour drive.

Talk to him and try to slot some whole family time in between things at the weekend. Take the occasional morning or afternoon for yourself and have him take toddler or look after toddler alongside the other two.

Change it up so that you occasionally do something on your own with your DSCs and he is at home with the toddler.

sounds a dreamy family

The age difference is huge .

can you come up with things that all children might enjoy .

i can’t imagine taking my teen to the park .i also can’t imagine any film my teen would enjoy that would occupy a preschooler. .

Your issue is likely not be so much to do with step parenting but the difference in age between his kids and the one you have together.

The configuration you moan about is typical in families with a large age gap between the children.

My friend and I share children the same age. I stopped and 10 years later, she decided to have two more a year apart. She and her husband both work FT and their weekends make up of separate times. Her husband takes their eldest to activities Saturday morning and often events on the afternoon not appropriate for the youngest.

They make a point of spending Sunday afternoons together although they are also events that mean they have to be apart.

The only difference is that as all the children are both theirs, sometimes it is mum who takes the eldest places whilst dad looks after the youngest but it's probably 70/30 at most.

So, basically you got together with a guy who has kids from a previous relationship, but conveniently they were 8 hours away, so it was all fine.

Their mother decided to move closer (at what stage in your relationship?) and now they are 1.5hrs away so he is seeing much more of them.

You need to reestablish boundaries. You should all be able to go to the pool, shopping, walking in national trust or at the beach together that sort of thing… if the cinema is unsuitable fair enough. But otherwise you have to muscle up and go places together just like any other family. I’m struggling to think of places that don’t have facilities for different age groups? Family meals together and so forth also important. You are the kids stepmother. They should be bonding with their younger sibling too.

In short you should be having quality family time together every weekend, all of you. He shouldn’t just leave catching up with work and man shed to the wkend where it’s just you guys.

And you need to go see their plays and get a babysitter for the younger child - just like any other parents would.

So, basically you got together with a guy who has kids from a previous relationship, but conveniently they were 8 hours away, so it was all fine.

Their mother decided to move closer (at what stage in your relationship?) and now they are 1.5hrs away so he is seeing much more of them.

Nope. And don't be ridiculous I'm not leaving my child with a babysitter to see their school plays. Their mum and dad go.

Well it's not is it? Or I wouldn't be on mumsnet. This sort of thing isn't support or advice. You just want to rub your hands in glee that I'm having a shit time.

Are you planning to leave then? Because seeing his kids and spending proper time with them isn’t doing anything wrong. But if he’s just generally shit and you aren’t happy then why waste your life like this?

i’d say the people having the “shit time” are the children in this scenario

What makes you think OP isn’t having a shit time? Or that the DHs kids aren’t happy?

er i include DH’s kids in “children”

them in particular in fact