Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

Why don’t you do things together as a family? You, him and all the kids? Does he not want to do this? Why not?

Exactly WHY

I do t understand how you’ve got I’m bitter 😂😂 I have a great relationship with my ex’s partner. She is ace and frankly I think she can do better 🤣

So I know there are lovely step mothers who don’t begrudge their partners spending 3 hours once a fortnight with their kids - because she can’t be arsed going too.

He uses that time to catch up on work or potter around in his manshed

What are you on about it's 1.5 hours there and 1.5 hours back. He spends longer with them than 1 second.

Why isn’t she facilitating the travel then since she moved?

Three hours a fortnight travel time. You won’t go with him.

This is a you problem. God help those kids.

It sounds like he doesn’t prioritise your joint child and relationship with you in general, and that your frustration is being channeled into annoyance around his time with his children.

On one hand the children are different ages and stages, and it’s important for them to have time with him without their sibling.

But it’s also important for your child to have time with him in general.

The problem is much bigger than just child contact and step-parenting. The problem is not your child vs his children. The problem is with his priorities.

I guess you need to ask him why he does so much with his older kids and isn't interested in doing anything with you and his youngest. Is he regretting having another child?

what are you going on about? Who said anything about 1 second.

Are you ok?

I honestly think you need to change your perspective if you don’t want to chew up your insides.

kids are different ages so it’s easier to do separate stuff - plenty on non-step families do this as well. Maybe insist on doing something as a family some of the weekends the step kids aren’t down.

i don’t See the issue with him visiting them during the week (how often?) - it’s just like staying late at the office occasionally.

@chaticat

He uses that time to catch up on work or potter around in his manshed

I imagine he was like that when his older children were little. I don't think the issue is the step children tbh - it's more an issue that on the 10 days a fortnight when he doesn't see them he's not actually making any effort.

It's hard to find things all ages can do tbh - but it sounds like he's choosing stuff that excludes your toddler.

He needs to make an effort on the 10 days he doesn't see his elder children & you need to assume he's not about on those alternate weekends & just make your own plans. At least he's not dumping childcare & washing duties on you (which is a common complaint).

I’m sorry OP. I can understand why you’re bitter under the circumstances. I guess it’s not so much that your DP spends so much time with his DSC, but that he spends so little time with you and your shared DC. And, in fact, through not fault of anyone but him, the stark contrast between how he treats you all must make it even harder.

i don’t know quite what to suggest. It’s clear to me that the issue is him, not you or your DSC.

i’m not sure whether you’ve tried to talk to him about it (not that you should have to) - really, really laid it all out, and on the line?

It may get better with time as your shared DC gets older. I’ve found I’ve “enjoyed” (sorry, terribly word, I hope you know what I mean) my DC more with each your that passes and he may be the same. But I would entirely understand if you felt you weren’t willing to hang around to see.

My DH has 3 kids. He has one 100%, one 50% and one when he can be bothered to come visit (16yo). We don't have a child together but I imagine if we did we would do family days out together. I took would be very disappointed if he disappeared on days out with the older 3 and excluded the youngest. He's an amazing dad to his kids so I'd expect the same if we have a child together. I assume OP made the same assumptions but now it seems that he's not interested in his younger child and only has time for his older 3. I can completely understand why she's pissed off. She's not asking that he ditches his older kids, just that he includes his youngest as well.

How long have you lived with this current boyfriend, you come across as not having been together very long or he is much older than you. Maybe you're just incompatible and didn't know before you wanted a child with him. What was your boyfriend like before you had the baby? Has he changed significantly since you had your baby?

I feel like I’ve stepped in to a alternate universe..

It’s THREE hours a fortnight. That in its self is a disgrace.

But because he most likely avoids OP when when the kids are not there she is directing her anger at them - or his time collecting them - once a fucking fortnight

OP focus on why he doesn’t spend time with you or baby during the fortnight he doesnt see his kids. The problem lies there.

Maybe he enjoys those three hours away from you..

Presumably your two step children are older and like going out, doing different things. Yours is not old enough to appreciate that so much. At least he is getting them out of your hair for a while and it's only every other week. Please realise this will not go on forever, the children will eventually want to do their own thing at weekends, see friends, etc, and the scenario will change.

Oh gosh sounds like a bit of a mess. It’s only one weekend a fortnight. How old are his other children?

It's not the time spent with the step children that's the problem, it's how he uses his time when he's not with them. It's hurtful to see that he actively parents his older children, but chooses not to give the same consideration to you and your shared child.

He doesn't need to cut back on the step children contact, he needs to massively up his game around you and his youngest. If he's not willing to do that, then he needs to now that this will lead to the break down of your relationship.

It sounds to me like the issue might be an age difference, not the fact he doesn't want to do something with ALL of his children. How old are the DSC and your LO?

Make it clear to your husband that you are not happy with the situation and suggest days out together and things to do on the weekends without DSC. Yes it is hard to do things with older kids and a preschooler. It needs effort on both sides.

It's not 3 hours. 3 hours is the total car time. When he sees them he doesn't just go oh right hi and then back in the car again.

Correct me if I’m wrong but he spends 2 weeknights a fortnight visiting his dc near their mothers house, and collects them and brings them back to stay with you once a fortnight for the weekend?

So basically he is “gone” 4 days a fortnight, and presumably is working 8 additional days so should have 8 evenings (7 if collecting on Friday) and 2 full days to spend with his youngest, but he just ignores him and hides in a shed.

Part of your issue is his over parenting his older dc in his contact time to the point that it is detrimental to his youngest, and to the “family unit” and part of it is under parenting in the time he considers to be his “own” time as his older dc, and therefore all parenting obligations, are gone.

Have you pointed this out to him and asked him what he is actually going to do to rectify it because he likely doesn’t see it as a problem as it’s not a problem for him. His problem is he hardly sees his older dc, so to solve that problem he hyper focuses on them, even when they aren’t there.
TBF, even when families don’t involve a step aspect, it’s normal for different ages/stages dc to do different things. They don’t want your preschooler spoiling their school play, and they equally don’t want your preschooler dictating the film they watch when their dad takes them to the cinema. He needs to organise himself so he can spend some together time with his family as well as individual time but you aren’t doing yourself any favours if you aren’t spelling this out in a way an absolute blind fool would understand because if he isn’t a total areshole (you recently had a child with him so I guess you don’t think he is) then probably the extent of this problem isn’t clear to him.

He's my husband

@Zwicky @Coastallife36385 and others. Thank you I think you get where I'm coming from. I don't resent him spending time with his kids. I like his kids. It's the impact on our shared child I'm concerned with.