Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

I don't think there's any risk of that for kids who only spend EOW with their dad, and a couple of hours mid week on the other week.

Those kids will possibly grow up to feel that they were less important than their sibling and their dads wife, because they might assume that their half sibling gets a lot more attention from their dad.

No but he'd ignoring the youngest anyway even if he didn't have older children by the sounds of it.

He's not ignoring the youngest because of the older children. They're not taking any of his time away from the youngest, because if the oldest 2 weren't there the dad would be in his man shed anyway.

He has zero interest in day to day family life and can only be bothered with the kids he doesn't live with it seems!

Exactly, which isn't right. He shouldn't be ignoring any of his kids.

It's not really a balance issue though.
This man has plenty of time and weekends without the older kids and just tunes out of family life. Even without the older kids he wouldn't be bothered.

Yes we all know that it's not right.
But the step kids are a red herring here.

Older kids or not he wouldn't be bothered with his youngest child so that's the issue.
The step kids are only relevant because the OP can see that he's capable of being a good dad when it suits him, but they're not what is stopping him from being a good involved parent.

Tell me you're an ex wife who genuinely thinks her children rank highest because she pushed them out first, without telling me...

I feel the pain. My DH is an absolutely fantastic father to his two children from his first marriage, can't be disputed. He does so much for them and with them (dedicated to their sporting activities etc) but the downside of this is that me and our shared DS come second a lot of the time. According to a lot of Mumsnet it's something you have to suck up, and I do, but it doesn't make it any easier, I feel a lot of resentment that we're second-best a lot of the time. We now live pretty much separate lives for 50% of the time and I've also questioned whether it would be better just separating completely.

It is simply another thread that is really about a shite marriage

but the op doesn’t want to address that so instead focuses on the SC issue

what’s he like during the 50% with you and shared child?

You absolutely shouldn't have to suck it up. If he couldn't manage having kids with 2 women then he shouldn't have had them. My DH has one kid 100% and one 50%. We have no kids together but I've never been made to feel second best to his kids so I'm don't imagine any joint child would.

@Illpickthatup you’re all over mumsnet posting about how you do everything for your Stepchildren and your DH does bugger all!! and that you’re utterly exhausted

Am I yeah? All over Mumsnet? Where?

Or are you referring to that one single post I made around Xmas when I was feeling overwhelmed?

I don't really get involved with parenting my DSS as they were teens when I met them. My DH got the oldest a job and is currently teaching him to drive so yeah, he's basically doing fuck all.

I do the school run for my DSD because I work from home. DH does it if he's off or gets finished early. He also does every bath and bedtime with her, takes her swimming, ice-skating etc. So yeah, basically fuck all.

Somehow in amongst doing all this fuck all for his kids he manages to sort date nights a couple of times a month and makes me breakfast in bed on a Sunday. You're right. He's a fucking shit dad and husband.

AS your own name!

you even started your own thread about how exhausted you are doing everything for your step children

Somehow in amongst doing all this fuck all for his kids he manages to sort date nights a couple of times a month and makes me breakfast in bed on a Sunday. You're right. He's a fucking shit dad and husband.

he sounds dreamy

although….

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4960873-does-he-not-get-it-or-does-he-just-not-care

Yep, like I said. I started one thread when I was feeling completely overwhelmed by all the extra Xmas shit going on. But apparently one thread equals all over Mumsnet. You'll also see that the majority of my threads on the step-parenting board state that my DH has never made me feel second best to his kids. But no, you pick up on one thread I started at what most people would say is the most stressful time of year.

We discussed my concerns and my feelings and he genuinely had no idea I was struggling as I usually just get on with things. We agreed a fair split of chores and responsibilities and since then things have been great.

Are people not allowed to have any issues with their partner ever? Are people not allowed to change their ways? Surely the thing to take away is that I had an issues, we discussed it and he made the relevant changes. The issue OP has is that her DH is not willing to change his ways and seems interested in family life with her and her youngest.

that must have been quite a turn around given how desperate you sounded

what’s he like during the 50% with you and shared child?

@loverofalmonds Very engaged, he's a fantastic dad and husband which is why I put up with coming second the other 50% of the time. He gets very torn but I do end up feeling a bit of a spare part. However, when he's with us, he's with us. And I wouldn't want a man who wasn't engaged with his kids from a previous relationship.

You absolutely shouldn't have to suck it up. If he couldn't manage having kids with 2 women then he shouldn't have had them. My DH has one kid 100% and one 50%. We have no kids together but I've never been made to feel second best to his kids so I'm don't imagine any joint child would.

@Illpickthatup It's probably more my own feelings than reality. And it's difficult because their activities etc come first when they are with us (50%) of the time, and it leaves me to be default parent. but as I've said, I wouldn't want a man who didn't dedicate themselves to their kids. It's just one of those things in a second marriage.

@CandiedPrincess is there a big age gap between your child and his from previous?

Yes @loverofalmonds 8 years

ah… hopefully will even go then as more joint stuff can be done together

do you have children from previous?

To be honest I kind of avoid doing things together because he parents very differently from me and I find it super frustrating, so I prefer to let them get on with it. I'll bide my time until they get older/go to Uni.

I do also have children, who are older than his so they're almost less of a consideration as they are living their own lives!

won’t you clash parenting over your shared child then?

No @loverofalmonds because he's mine, and I can step in and tell my DH he's wrong etc or I don't agree. I can't/won't do that with his own DC because it's none of my business how he parents them. He makes the decisions where they are concerned. When it comes to our DS, we make the decisions together.

but you said My DH is an absolutely fantastic father to his two children from his first marriage,. so what’s up with his parenting? 😕