Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

and he excludes you and his child with you?

No but our shared child doesn't like what the older ones like

what a twat!

as i keep saying

this marriage is rotten to the core op

What would you like to be different OP?

It sounds as if the step kids are what you’re hanging your discontent on but your husband doesn’t seem to be eligible for dad of the year even when his other kids aren’t with you.

this

oh good lord... this is really ridiculous. you want us to believe that when his DC arrive.. thats it! he only does what they want to do and he only cooks what they want to cook?

so he only ever cooks and cleans and is a decent human being for the 2 days out of 14 when his children are here..

for the other 12 days.. hes an arsehole? and youve been doing this for 8 years?

I think that was sarcasm

Like always, everyone coming out at the OP.

She's probably over tired. Exhausted. Feeling like she had enough. So she came here to rant and get some support. We all have our low moments but of course it's always easiest to bash someone and call them names.

Have you thought about applying for a screenwriting job? Your talents are plainly wasted if you only apply your boundless phantasy to slagging off stepmums... on the step-parenting board no less.

It didn't matter until DC was born did it. And DC isn't 8. I naively perhaps thought ah he likes to do things with SDC and cook them food and hands on dad when they are here so he'll step up for DC too.

The problem is with an age gap it’s difficult for activities to suit everyone so inevitably there needs to be some element of doing things separately. Of course he should take his children sometimes to the cinema and inevitably that means you and your daughter not joining.

why don’t you think through some activities/ places that you can all visit together and try and do a combination (some joint things and some separate things).
then in the weekend when the older kids aren’t there focus on doing some things as the three of you.

Thanks. I'm going to leave the thread now I've had lots of support in amongst all the aggro so thanks for that.

in fairness... when my children hit the age of 15, it took a lot of effort to get them to visit their dad!

and their step-mum did make it very clear they were an imposition!

A decent reasonable man would not hide in the shed and not help out with any housework or cooking the other 12 days a fortnight his older kids aren't there. He'd be consistently making an effort for all of his children.

oh good idea!

i never said DC was 8... i believe you said you had been with DH for 8 years and then DC came along? i have never implied DC's child.

your replies are very curt.. people are simply trying to understand the situation to enable them to advise you as best they can.

to understand something you have to ask questions.

God, all she wants is for her DH to put in the same effort either his younger child as he does with his older children. Why is that so hard for people to grasp?

Some posters are just so hellbent on believing all stepmums are jealous and selfish and hate their stepkids to see the actual problem here.

She has highlighted everything he does for the older kids, not because she thinks he shouldn't do those things but because if he's capable of doing them for his older kids then why is he not doing the same for his youngest?

As others have said it sounds like a conversation is needed with him about your family - you two and LO - and how you want that to look. Division of labour, family time etc. If he can step up when the other kids are there he could do that all the time with you and LO but he chooses not to. Make that choice clear to him, in case it is subconscious, and tell him you won't let LO grow up feeling second best.

but why does he have to step up? we've had no evidence that as a step mum she has stepped up?

all 3 children are THEIR responsibility.. not just his and not just hers, all we can see is her moaning about him looking after his children. we've had a few snippets of their life when his children are not there..

we know they do their laundry seperate.. but we dont know who does the cooking, who does the cleaning, who puts the little one to bed, who takes the little one to nursery.

we dont know how OP interacts with DSC.. we have just one very biased account of a 24 hours window, you cant blame people for basing their answers on that can you?

it seems very strange that when his children come to visit he litterally does everything for them.. and nothing for the OP

i'll not lie and i think it clear that i don't believe the OP. there is way more too this than we've been drip fed.. but she has now had one or two 'there there' and 'all men are bastards' answers so shes away happy that its not her its him

I think it's more that he does nothing for the OP and their child when his other children are there, and he does nothing for the OP and their child when his children aren't there.

@quietlifeneeded I didn't blame anyone for anything?

OP clearly said she doesn't feel he spends time with her and LO when SC aren't there, he only cooks when SC are there, and he fobs her off when she tries to talk to him about her feelings. I just think the SC situation is irrelevant, from what she's said the problem is a lack of family time together. I have no pro or anti step parent tribe unlike some on here, as I say IMO the SC are irrelevant. I just think at the end of the day her relationship has gone awry and was trying to provide advice to help. Of course her posts are based, everyone's are, how often do you see a DP/DH replying to an OP's thread? I'm not saying OP is a good parent or bad parent or DH is good or bad, merely that if OP believes that he isn't prioritising his family then they need to be having a conversation.

Which makes it a relationship issue, not a stepparenting issue. His children being there or not makes no different to how little he engages with his young child.

Though I do agree that OP doing her best to be a great step parent can only help.

It’s not a step parenting issue, but it’s being a step parent that highlights the issue. OP saw her DH being an attentive dad for years and obviously thought having a kid with him was a good bet, but instead she doesn’t really bother with their joint child and so she struggles with the fact that her DC doesn’t seem to match up in their dads eyes. It’s not what she expected and the marriage is slowly breaking down as a result. The problem with this thread is OP is snappy and doesn’t answer most questions and it makes the content confusing