Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

it always is on MN

It seems he doesn't want to do the baby and preschool years again......

The stepchildren are a red herring.

When he doesn't have them on weekends he works or potters about in his man shed, he's disinterested in day to day family life. So even if OP wasn't a stepparent they would still have these issues. It's a relationship issue rather than a stepparenting issue.

Just because he has his two children every other weekend, doesn't stop him being a parent to his third child.

It doesn't sound like he's a parent to his third child at all. If he was a decent parent the rest of the week and weekends then it might be ok to switch off a bit and focus more on the other two EOW, they might enjoy the one on one time with their dad outside of the blended family and it might be important to give them that.

My husband did the 3 hour round trip to see his son Tues/Thu evenings and take him home cooked dinner (ie not bought take away rubbish for him) plus did the 3 hour round trip every second Fri pick up and Sun drop off while we had DSS for the weekend. This was what was in place before having our own child so it just continued until DSS wanted to stop the Tue/Thu evenings due to more homework and seeing friends after school years later. When DSS came for the weekend, we did things as a family but we did revolve the activities around DSS as he has ASD so we had to work within his limits.

Tough shit OP. The children are more important than you and that's the way it should be.

Well you just need to talk to him. Maybe he thinks he’s doing you a favour by keeping them out of your way?

What happened before your DC came along? Did you do things together with the SC as a family or did he do things with them separately? If so, he’s just continuing what he always did.

It’s obviously tricky with the different ages and as others have said, he wants time with them before they do their own thing but there needs to be a balance that includes your DC some of the time. It seems like he sees “family time” is just when the SC are around, so you need to talk to him about what happens on the other weekends.

Do you not discuss in advance of the weekends what you will do together?

I’d hand him little one, say they’d love some park time with daddy, pack the nappy bag, get off your phone and parent.

To be clear, you are telling him to pack the nappY bag; you are not performing the action of packing the nappy bag.

That poster just seems unhinged or unable to understand anything because they are het on being nasty and demeaning.

If I understand this correctly, when he does not have the kids, he travels up there during the week to spend time. How long does he stay?
Then he travels to bring the kids here every other weekend. Does he also take them home? If not, does their BM come to take them home?

The problem seems to be that your DH spends time with them but when not with them, he spends time doing his "thing" and ignoring his youngest.

If this is how it is, there is no excuse. Sure, some men seem to like their kids more as they get more able to do things the men also enjoy but that is not an excuse. Not doing things as a complete family, including the LO and you, is a DP problem and one that needs to be faced by him and you. The alternative is the end of your togetherness.

Personally, with his "man shed" and all, I'm not exactly impressed with him.

As your child grows older it is totally acceptable for you and baby, or just baby, to accompany your husband on the 1.5 hour drives. You will stop at favourite cafes and playgrounds and your youngest will look forward to the trip every, say, six weeks. You should engineer to do enjoyable things with girlfriends on the other dive times..

When your SC visit don't put up with DH calling all the family shots. Sometimes insist that you and LO will join in. Sometimes you instigate a family activity and expect that DH and SC will enjoy that too. Activities could be to local markets, beaches, animal parks, walking dog, building a kennel, cubby house etc etc.
You should find your step mother confidence enough to be able to share DH with his children sometimes.

Completely wrong. Children who are brought up believing only their needs are important become self absorbed adults. Everyone in a family has needs and preferences. Children understanding and allowing other people in the family to have their needs meet teaches them to be adaptable, compassionate adults

So he doesn’t work, did I read that right? I hear what you’re saying OP. As usual some posters are deliberately harbouring tiny details and ignoring the bigger picture. It is difficult to find activities for teens and younger children but your DH needs to try harder. He can’t just ignore you and DC when his teens arrive. He needs to step up his parenting the other 12 days of the fortnight too. You need to have words with him, when the teens have gone. Don’t put up with being treated second best, he needs to up his game and I can see you want this for your child, not necessarily for you. It’s hard to see one child getting breadcrumbs and others the red carpet. That no doubt goes back to him feeling guilty he doesn’t live with those kids and over compensating. He could probably do with some counselling if this is impacting him so much. Or get him to open up to you, to be honest so you can find a better way of dealing with this situation together. Best of luck

It sounds to me like OP has made a point of never doing anything for the step kids. Never goes to see them in a school play and finds the idea of doing so 'ridiculous ' never cooks for them or does their washing. I think the norm would be both parents would share these tasks all the time. It sounds so odd and petty I wonder if her DH is trying to make the point back by not doing their little ones washing, and also pushing back on other stuff. Doesn't excuse him for not stepping up for youngest child, but can see why that behaviour might cause issues in their relationship

I'm not a step parent so have no skin in the game but I do know several.

You do know that you're all in an invidious position, don't you OP?

Everyone in this situation should cut themselves some slack.

I actually feel sorry for everyone here being locked into a gruelling fortnightly routine of visits, travel, laundry, cooking, and people coming and going.

Realistically OP you're sharing yourself with one child. He's sharing himself with three; two of whom are much older, and live miles away.

Your DH needs downtime (as do you). Where is the space in all of your lives for quiet weekends mooching around, impromptu time with friends, getting your life admin done?

Apart from eating together there's very little that high school kids will want to do with a preschooler for any prolonged period of time. (Actually older DCs ages are relevant... twins in year 7 is a hugely different prospect to them being in year 10/12 for example).

A few people have asked you what you want OP and apart from your DH being more involved you can't say.

You and your DH need to sit down and have a really good conversation about the following:

How do you all want your time with DSC to be?
How do you want it time with DH/DC to be?
How is it for you when DH isn't there?
How are you and DH both collectively and together going to do anything other than be on this relentless parenting treadmill for her next few years?

I think I get that this is the real issue: he puts on a fantastic show of being a great dad to his 2 older children, pulls out all the stops for 2 days every 2 weeks for them, actually ignoring the child he lives with fulltime on those day. Does that child have it 'made up' to them the other 12 days? No, as he spends the other 12 days being a disinterested, poor parent to that child, pottering about in his mancave when he's home apparently, leaving it all to the OP to sort.

OP, he's showing you who he is. And I suspect he was like this with his ex before she kicked him to the kerb ... and now he's disney dad for them to prove a point to himself and the world ... while repeating his mistakes with the fulltime child he's got at home.

If I was going to essentially be a single parent with him living there and only pulling his thumb out for his other children when they were around, I'd just be a single parent and show him the door.

yes!!

but falls on deaf ears

Even if I did agree with comment (which I don't), there are still THREE children in this scenario - one who appears to be being completely ignored by his father.

Hear hear!

Tbh initially I felt like maybe he wasn't being unreasonable... but then I thought. My DP and I both have a child from a previous relationship. Ours are close in age which makes it easier, however when we have DSS at ours we work as a family unit. We both treat both children equally, it doesn't feel like he is DPs and my DD is mine - we are a family unit. And we don't even share a child!
Have you spoken to him?

That’s what I thought or move closer .
i wonder OP is it you that aren’t going on the family day trips through choice . Or is your partner not asking and leaving you .
Will you go out your way for the DSC at all or did you think once you had a baby it trumped his other kids ?

I commented further up OP as I could also feel the anger oozing from you and you being snappy.
ive since read your replies though and tbh you need to talk tO your husband . Let him know that he needs to put effort into your relationship
your child and your own family ( I’m
not saying exclude the other kids )

Tell him Your not happy and it could lead to separation. Why does he spend so little time with you both ? Why is he always grumpy? Why is he traveling mid week ?
why is he organising stuff that you can’t all do together. .
I’m sure if he asked there are some days he could go to the cinema as you fancy a lazy day with the wee one .This is about his lack of interest in you and your dc and he needs to realise that .
His marriage is at risk of he doesn’t take a look at himself .

Because if he is already washing his own kid’s clothes it’s a bit petty to expect OP to do hers and LO’s. That’s not acting like he wants to integrate families - it’s acting like, as many do in this situation - mine and yours. Long term, that doesn’t work.

When he hasn't got the kids he still has a kid and still hides in the shed. It's like the youngest doesn't exist. Do you honestly think this is ok?

Some men do not have the emotional intelligence to cope with having kids to 2 different women.

Are you for real? It's not about OP. It's about OP and her DHs joint child. Are you saying the older children are more important than the youngest child? It's ok for him to ignore his youngest because he has older children?

This is really, really silly advice. Everyone in the family matters. Stepparents and parents do not need to be martyrs to their children’s needs, and in fact it can be detrimental to children to grow up believing they are the centre of the universe. Obviously children need to be fed and clothed and given affection. And obviously there are times - such as when the baby is a newborn, or if a child is sick - when your own needs take a firm backseat. The ideal though is that you find a balance between meeting a child’s needs and wants, and meeting your own and your partners. Why would children or stepchildren benefit from a bitter resentful parent who is not capable of finding a balance? Bizarre.