Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

agreed

That's because she's focussing on
what he does for his older kids on the weekends he has them. OP appears to be overlooking the fact he neglects his younger child on the weekends his older kids aren't there. She'd described how he behaves on those weekends. He doesn't want to be in the marriage, that much is clear. The youngest loses out as a result.

Apologies @Illpickthatup I think I might have quoted the wrong post. But my comment stands

She didn't see him being an attentive dad, though. What she saw him being a part-time, long-distance, Disney dad. That was not an indication of how he would be as a live-in father. A better indication would have been from looking at how he was as a partner. How he was to live with. Such as his inability to make sure the OP's clothes were washed when he did the laundry, how he didn't do any cooking for them as a couple, etc. Just from the very few things the OP has mentioned, he has never been a partner. She said her self she thought he would "step up" when she had a baby. Nope.

i wonder who's idea it was to have a baby? i only ask because i have a friend who is having a terrible time with her partner, and she is convinced that a baby will sort it?

@quietlifeneeded

i wonder if you are actually 'the other woman" and he left his wife and kids for you?

And here's another one for the bingo sheet. Good lord, it's just so predictable. Sorry OP, looks like they've turned up in force tonight.

im flattered that you think im one of 'those ones'...

as i said on another thread just now, i like to be in receipt of all the facts before i make a decision, i don't just assume that the original OP's comments are truth!

even you cannot deny if you have read the entire thread that the OP has been very frugal with their bread crumbs.

this might shock you.. it’s VERY common that’s exactly what a lot of men do!! And it’s not a surprise women feel like they’re nothing to their partners because they’re glowing when they’re darling first horns are around and when they leave back to being lazy self serving twats

Of ffs. RTFT. OP has made quite clear where the problem is - her "D"H who'll happily do the washing for DSC who are probably getting close to an age to tackle their own, but dump all their joint DC's washing on her.

no.. thats incorrect, she has said that he does his and his childrens washing and she does her own, its how they did it before LO came along and how it carried on after... you need to make sure you read the entire thread.

ive accepted that, although this seems odd, its not uncommon in relationships for this agreement!

i dont know what RTFT stands for??

Read the full thread. So as not to answer when the discussion has move on from the first post.

thank you.. i can assure @GrumpyPanda i am fully aware of the whole thread.

i apologise for not having the same view as most MN'ers that all men are pigs!

Sounds like your have problems in the relationship with your partner outside of his children. If he would prefer to be in his may shed than spending time with you that's a problem you need to resolve with him.

How and why did his marriage end ? He sounds quite willing to travel over the mid week to spend time there as well as every other weekend.

It is a good thing that he puts the effort in with his first kids, and that he spends time and does activities one on one with them. So if he takes a few hours picking them up, then a few hours for movie and a bite to eat that is perfectly normal. Your joint child doesn't need to be involved in that, your partner just needs to step up at the time he is at home without his kids their. He needs to take your DC out somewhere on the days he is at home.

You don't level things up by taking time away from his first kids, you level things up with him stepping up with his child with you.

This whole post is odd.

Maybe he washes his DC clothes because OP won’t. so maybe he has gotten used to just doing his and his kids to take the burden off her.

She won’t travel to school plays or pick up and she moans that he is out of the house three hours a fortnight whilst he goes to collect them - and begrudges that.

When he hasn’t got the kids he hides in the shed.

This man sees his kids every two weeks.

The OP is focusing her anger at few hours he out picking the kids up rather than dealing with the fact that their relationship has already broke down.

I am beyond glad that my ex met a wonderful woman who my kids love to bits. He has them 50/50 and I’m genuinely happy she is in their lives as it makes their lives better and it gives me peace of mind.

I am very lucky as I know there are some people out their who genuinely do not have the emotional intelligence to deal with a partner who has children - and that is a wretched situation all round

I get this. I really do. But the thing is, he has full access to his youngest DC all the time. He doesn’t see his oldest DCs that often (EOW and midweek, from what you’ve said, OP), so of course he’s going to want to prioritise them — AKA making them feel loved, important etc — when he’s with them. It seems to me that’s not really the issue. The issue is that he doesn’t step up more when they’re not there. But perhaps I’ve got that wrong?

Being a stepparent is hard, thankless and mostly not enjoyable. I wouldn’t have done it in hindsight. You cannot ‘know’ what you are getting into. That being said, you are now in a marriage with a child and need to either make peace with his other kids and find a way to make your life with them nice, or separate.

1- why is he not doing all the washing? This needs to change.
2 - if you want to have a happy marriage you need to make an effort with your stepchildren. No they will never feel like your children but you can form a relationship with them by making an effort to join in on family stuff or insist DH includes you and your shared child.
3 - I find that detachment from behaviour and disciplining and dealing with ex helps. But if you want to be in a close marriage you do need to find ways to be there for one another .

Why should he do all the washing? He should do some of it but don’t see why it’s alright for him to do it all and the op then do none

Oh my god. Why on earth would she do their washing?
Of COURSE he does their washing. The issue is that he does not ALSO do their joint child's washing.

is it a case of he wants to send them back with clean clothing and you refusing to put a wash on until whatever day suits you?

I'm honestly just speechless here.

Maybe he washes his DC clothes because OP won’t. so maybe he has gotten used to just doing his and his kids to take the burden off her

@Hugosmaid no, not to take the burden off her. It isn't her burden. It's a joint burden. There's no reason why she should be doing it any more than him. He won't even put their little one's clothes in with the older children's.

It's like feminism never happened.

He sees his children every week.

Fine look. This isn't about us having split chores it's about the split of the chores. You do you

Don’t be coming at me with your washing angst. I was sticking up for you when someone said they “knew” this wasn’t real because nobody does separate washing when absolutely zillions of people do. I don’t gaf who does your washing. I do gaf that you were being called a troll over it because I’ve seen this Disney dad shit so many times irl. I remember another poster wanting to get a quick McD on the way home from somewhere with their young dc as a time saving - get to bed quickly- device. No, not possible. Stop by the dsc house and pick them first because it’s not “fair” for the youngest to have anything without the elder ones being involved, but it’s fine for the older ones to have time/attention of their own. The boards are full of this shit and she got a ton of sympathy but you have had “it’s only 3 hours a fortnight and he’s an amazing dad to your dc the rest of the time” and “why did you move 8 hours away” and disbelief over laundry. It’s a nonsense that people don’t know exactly what your issue is.

It sounds to me like when he spends time with the teens, it's easy as they're older, whereas if there's a toddler in the mix at least if they're anything like mine he'd actually have to parent and wouldn't just be able to enjoy the cinema or bowling or golf or wherever it is he's going with the teens.

If he was like this when the teens were younger, it's no wonder his ex is his ex.

@chaticat

This is the issue, you don’t see your stepchildren as anything you need to support or get involved in.

And therefore your husband is keeping everything separate too. Which means half his time is spent away from you and what you do get is second best.

If you view it as one blended family you might have better results and quality of life.

the OP has actually said... he does his washing and has always done it, and she does hers and has always done it.

its not something i am familiar with, but this is what the OP has said happens, this was cleared up a few pages back to be honest.

It’s the man’s fault. Definitely.