Hang on..I'm a mother too.

[waterlellon]

Sorry it's a mothers day one.

So DH asked repeatedly if the DSC wanted to spend mothers day with their mum. Their mum didn't mind and said no stick to usual pattern.

Now all of a sudden DH has to take them back on mothers day so they can see her for lunch.

Fine whatever. However I am also a mother to his children and now I'm spending it with LO on my own until he gets back later in the afternoon.

I'm just ranting. I knew he had kids. I chose this.

He could do that but he asked the mum and the kids multiple times and then eventually the plan was made for them to go home at X time.

I wouldn't see that as the mum 'going back on anything', she just took up his offer.

I certainly don't think he should say "well now I'm not doing it because you didn't want to swap so then we made plans" after he offered and offered and then she agreed. Maybe the mum will be fine with it if he requests to change it but I certainly wouldn't be approaching it like it's the mum who's gone back on it when as far as she was concerned there was probably no issue seeing as he asked her loads of times.

The OP also said that the mum has plans herself, that she'll likely be hungover and that the mum does the drop offs too so she most likely won't want to collect them.

I’m not ignoring anything. We just don’t agree.

I don’t believe either family should be prioritised. I think their needs and wants should be balanced. Sometimes there will be competing interests and yes, that requires compromise. I don’t think that’s the crux of the issue here though.

The mum already does the drop offs.

Agree re the celebratory meal though.
I used to have a great relationship with one of my exes girlfriends, I never would have considered her to be a SM though and I know she definitely didn't consider herself to be one either and they didn't have kids so we wouldn't have done the meal but we did go to a lot of kids events etc together in the one car. I'd drive and she'd sit up front with me and my ex would be in the back with the kids 😂

If Ex wife changed the plans, why is she not offering to come get the kids? I agree with you completely, people are just expecting you to step down (no pun intended) to make way for someone who is being thoughtless. Please please point out the rude assumptions here and say that you deserve better. Not just as a mother on this special day, but as an adult and as THE adult that your OH chose to enter into a relationship with. You should
not be the person who pays the price when someone (Ex) is being a presumptuous brat and demanding everyone else change plans at last minute. That’s just rude even without the Mother’s Day/special dynamic. Some people will try to get away with whatever brings the the least uncomfortableness, which is what your OH is doing here. You need to push back lest he get the idea you can be relied upon to always give way in the future. Some people can learn to change their bad behavior...if they want to, and you stand up for yourself.

@kkloo It's very, very rare this kind of behaviour exists in a vacuum though. If a genuinely one-off situation like this one has got OP so pissed off that she felt compelled to start a thread to rant about it on MN then that intolerant, unreasonable attitude would no doubt shine through in the rest of her posts. Given her updates, OP clearly doesn't have any beef with the ex or her DSC therefore it seems much more likely that her DH's lack of consideration affects other areas of their lives as well.

Any step mum will know just how bloody tough it is constantly having to live your life with another household influencing what you can or can't do/plan. Of course we all knew we'd need to make compromises but it's mentally draining in a way you simply can't appreciate until you've lived it. And part of that will be because it's on top of all the million and one other little nuances that affect blended family dynamics. It's the proverbial "she divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink" - this won't be the husband's only "dish."

Ok so if their needs and wants should be balanced then there really should be no issue at all with this one off at all and there absolutely was no need for the martyr narrative and all the stuff you wrote about the calendar and how SM should arrange anything around everyone else forever.

Be prepared to repeat as often as necessary: “it’s not the she wanted to see the kids on mother’s day. It’s that she said she didn’t when it was offered, then changed her mind at the last minute, which screwed up already made plans for the rest of us. That is not something we should have to accommodate even on a regular weekend , but especially on a day like Mothers Day that is obviously important to us too. If you want to change your plans at the last minute, you should be aware that you will have to work around what other people already planned, based on what you already told them.”

But yet the OP has responded many times and hasn't provided any other examples at all.
If the DH lacks consideration a lot then the OP should say that and then she'd get more relevant and accurate responses, you said it's rare that the behaviour exists in a vacuum which is of course true, but the way that the OP wrote it it sounds like this particular instance has.

The ex already drops them off. And she'll be likely to be hungover and tired so she won't want to collect them.

The DH offered multiple times to drop them off so she was presumably just taking him up on his offer and didn't think there would be an issue.

There's nothing to suggest that she's a presumptuous brat demanding everyone else change plans. AT ALL.

Why on earth would he speak to her like she's some kind of nuisance who did something wrong 😂

The DH offered multiple times and she took him up on his offer.

If I was in that scenario and my ex said to me what you suggested I'd think he had lost the plot, I would be like "You offered which is the only reason I said yes, I didn't ask or expect you to drop them home for lunch, but you offered multiple times so I didn't think there was any big deal, do not treat me like I've done something wrong or that I go around chopping and changing plans when I was perfectly happy to stick to the original plan until you kept offering and offering".

I'd also assume that the message came from his partner and that they were having some kind of issues, because it would be such a bizarre thing to say to me after he was the one who kept asking would he drop them back!

@kkloo Well tbf OP posted this in the step parenting section therefore fellow step parents will "get" the dynamic straight away without needing the wider context spelled out, because chances are, we've been there ourselves to a greater or lesser extent. Have you noticed it's mainly the non step parents who are the ones suggesting logistical solutions such as "can't he drop them off early then have your roast later" whereas the step parent regulars are the ones saying "yeah we understand, frustrating isn't it." Because OP didn't ask for solutions did she, she was upfront saying she just wanted a rant. And we get that.

kkloo - yeah if the OH actually OFFERED to do this, it’s pretty clear where problem lies!

What I suggested should be said as needed if someone is a repeat offender of expecting to have others drop plans, and then (as often happens, at least in my family) the person who was expected to put up and shut up with being sidelined
(but didn’t) is now cast as the problematic bad guy.

But yeah reading backwards through the 600+ replies sounds like the husband was the inconsiderate one who needs a conversation!

It came up as trending so I didn't pay attention to where it was posted.

No I didn't notice that because I don't think you can tell from a lot of the responses whether the people are step parents or not, unless you're making the assumption that because they offer logistical solutions that they couldn't possibly be a step parent?

Not all SM make a big deal out of stuff like that or get upset over it and just see it as part and parcel of the blended family so they don't care so I wouldn't assume that they're not step parents at all.

I would assume the 'step parent regulars' are ones who struggle with the dynamic OR on the other side of it are perhaps ones who try to really make sure they're doing everything exactly 'right', but there would be loads of other step parents out there who find compromise etc pretty easy and don't go assigning meaning to every little thing so there's no need for them to be 'step parent regulars'

I just read it as though the mum had changed her mind and wanted them back, I’m guessing that’s not the case then?

When DSC's mum changed her mind and said actually, yes could you please do a four hour round trip on Mother's Day morning to drop them off earlier, OP's DH should have said no, sorry I now have plans with OP.

End of.

How ironic that some posters don’t want to be with their children on Mother’s day! 🤣
Just shows how stupid it all is.

This made me chuckle.

I'm making no such assumptions, the two things aren't mutually exclusive and I'm not saying that only step parents can understand, or that those who disagree can't possibly be step parents. The OP said she wanted a rant but this thread is full of people missing the point so that OP has repeatedly had to explain the logistics aren't the issue, it's that her DH has agreed to the change of plans "all of a sudden." The fact he offered a few times is irrelevant - there comes a point where he needs to show consideration to his wife and say ok - she's said no - we can now make our own plans accordingly.

Again. I don’t agree. You want to treat that one aspect in total isolation and not recognise it’s part of a bigger picture.

Ok well then I'm not sure why you asked "did I notice that it's mainly the non step parents suggesting logistical solutions" because most people aren't saying whether they are SP or not so the ones providing the logistical solutions could easily be step parents 🤔

@kkloo In my experience step parents do tend to say they are SMs when they're posting a contrary opinion because it's natural to want to add weight to your comments by pointing out that you're speaking from a place of experience.

Not always, of course. I was simply making an observation. Neither of us can prove a negative so I'll leave you to your opinion.

He doesn't need to go for lunch, can't he drop them off early morning or the night before then spend the day with you and your LO?

Been there, totally get your frustration, I do wonder if there something manipulative in there from the ex….could ex pick up her DC given this late change to arrangements?

DH should say, I can’t drop them off at that time as it’s mothers day for Waterlellon so can you please pick them up if you have planned a lunch.

I don’t get this whole Mother’s Day self-obsession; for me the day was about MY mother, even after I became a mother myself. My child celebrates me as her mother. I don’t expect my husband to treat me like a princess because I am a M-O-T-H-E-R.

My son calls every Friday "Mummy Day" as I'm off work and we like to hang out together or go somewhere fun. Being with the kids is normal. A day of absolute peace from them would be wonderful!