Hang on..I'm a mother too.

[waterlellon]

Sorry it's a mothers day one.

So DH asked repeatedly if the DSC wanted to spend mothers day with their mum. Their mum didn't mind and said no stick to usual pattern.

Now all of a sudden DH has to take them back on mothers day so they can see her for lunch.

Fine whatever. However I am also a mother to his children and now I'm spending it with LO on my own until he gets back later in the afternoon.

I'm just ranting. I knew he had kids. I chose this.

I get what you’re saying @waterlellon

This isn’t about the sc, it’s certainly. It about the ex, it’s totally about your dh not recognising that you too are a mum and might have wanted a nice day on Sunday.

Hopefully you’ve had this conversation with him and he’s realised he’s been thoughtless this year and won’t make the same mistake again

Bloody phone! Was meant to say certainly isn’t about the ex

He should have said no I've already asked you multiple times if you wanted to change the day and now we have plans as a family given my wife is also a mother.

Why can't she go and collect them herself then given she was offered multiple times to have the child with her and refused until now.

rtft

How about, if she wants the kids back early, she needs to come and get them herself? That’s what I am doing on Sunday as DD’s are with their dad this weekend and I would like them back home earlier than usual.

🤣

I think for those who focus do intently on their hubby cooking lunch on a very specific day and time, it is a sign that the mother isn’t feeling appreciated enough the rest of the year.

Aaaaaanyway, it’s international women’s day so I hope all those ovens are warming up for the roasts and the candles will be lit tonight 🙌🏼🤣

DH cooks most Sunday lunches, so Mother's Day won't be any different!

@upthehills1 that's the point, if you are only spoilt on Mother's Day then you have more issues at play

Why can’t you all go out for lunch together? With you and SC Mum both being celebrated and the siblings being allowed to be together celebrating their mothers in a supportive context?

Do that.

A taste if his own medicine won't hurt.

To add, if the adult relationships are not evolved enough to cope with this, it might be something to work towards.

Location of celebratory meal could be halfway between the abodes cutting down on transit time and splitting the travel responsibility more fairly.

Good idea for next year perhaps. Thanks

Agree with you 💯

I second this reply and no ,I am not a stepmother . 💐

Because it's not the entire day. It's 3.5-4 hours in the morning.

I'm not sure why a one off suggestion to move the day on a thread where the OP said this hasn't happened before needs to inspire a whole stepmothers are expected to be martyrs response though.

Almost everyone has had to move a day at some point, even kids often don't celebrate their birthday on the day!

The poster who suggested to move the day said they're moving it because they're both working. There's going to be plenty of couples where at least one are working. Another on that quote history said that their eldest has a sports fixture that morning so she'll be with the toddler. That's not uncommon either.
The stepmother aspect isn't even that relevant to the scenario so there's really no need for the "poor stepmother, always last" narrative because it doesn't apply here.

It's a nice idea but in a lot of cases this just isn't possible and it's not a matter of working towards it. My DHs ex is a narcissist and was abusive towards him for 12 years. She continues to be high conflict and difficult even years after they split. Hell would have to freeze over before we all had lunch together.

Moving celebrations around work commitments is a world apart from moving celebrations because your OH hasn’t bothered to consider your needs.

Yes better write in pencil!

My DH is pretty good but there’s still occasions it bites. Like my eldest (our eldest) son’s birthday falls on a DSC contact day. So we can’t have a party on that day, it’s made having a party unworkable.

Sometimes I protest but other times it’s not worth the aggro. I can absolutely guarantee that our two children’s plans won’t factor in the plans for DSC’s birthday celebrations though.

Yes and no doubt many women will have a shit mothers day because their OH won't consider their needs, and the OH will wake up hungover on mothers day, lie in bed all day themselves, go to the pub to watch football or go off out on their cycling expeditions that they can't miss etc because they never bother to consider their partners needs so it being a mothers day won't make a difference to them!

But this is a one off situation so as I said there's no need for the "poor stepmother, always last" narrative because that doesn't sound anything like what's going on here.

I don’t agree. The OP’s OH has considered the Mother of his other children and centered his day around their wishes and priorities but not the Mother of his subsequent children who is also his partner.

It’s every bit about being a step parent, or second family and being overlooked in favour of prioritising the wants of the first family.

@Illpickthatup

We aren’t talking about your personal situation.

OP states that the ex is not a cow and they have a good relationship; she remarked that a shared celebration might work for next year.

The main culprit in all this is last minute plans and the considerable distance been the two homes, which seems excessive when there are children being ferried between the two on a regular basis.

If they lived in proximity to one another DH could just drop the kids round and be back in 10 minutes, it wouldn’t upset the day at all.

With such a distance they need to be planning a long time ahead and to make plans immovable where they could cause the inconvenience as described.

Can he not take them back in The afternoon or at tea time then? I’d be suggesting that and point out that the ex had multiple times been given the chance to swap days and she said it’s fine but then has now gone back on it, so for that I’d be saying we made plans once you said you didn’t want to swap days so we’ll now bring the kids back later in the day or she can come and get them herself

You're clearly just going to insist on ignoring the part where it was a one off and have a notion that unless the second family is prioritized every single time that that means that he's prioritizing the first family, which is just ridiculous.

Also some times the kids of the first family should be prioritized anyway, and I say that as a child of a second family!!

A little bit of give and take and compromise is healthy in blended family situations, what's not healthy is taking one off compromises or plans and assigning meaning to that and deciding that it means something about first families or second families when it doesn't at all.