Hang on..I'm a mother too.

[waterlellon]

Sorry it's a mothers day one.

So DH asked repeatedly if the DSC wanted to spend mothers day with their mum. Their mum didn't mind and said no stick to usual pattern.

Now all of a sudden DH has to take them back on mothers day so they can see her for lunch.

Fine whatever. However I am also a mother to his children and now I'm spending it with LO on my own until he gets back later in the afternoon.

I'm just ranting. I knew he had kids. I chose this.

It’s about the individuals isn’t it? Horses for courses. If you’re the mother of young children taking on most of the burden you probably want a break. If they’re a bit older it might feel more novel to spend a bit of time together.

bloody hell - what is it about mothers' day which is after all only a commercial invention that makes so many people go mad. It's just another day. Do you have a mother and if so should you be spending it with them etc etc. We could all get completely tied up in knots if we felt that every mother alive should be worshipped on mother's day. If your husband can help your child make a card and get you breakfast that sounds like a good deal. Maybe ask him to do the shopping while his other children are with their mother for lunch and that would be even better. Otherwise, I don't think its that big a deal.

Tbf I’d love it if hubby got rid of my SCs back to their own mother for one flipping day a year but NOPE. She’s not bothered for having them and views it as her time off. I have them every single freaking weekend and have done for the last 11 yrs. yay happy Mother’s Day to me!

WOW!

I've been on MN for years and never seen such a ridiculous comment.

Birth mother is a reality!!!

Mothers day is rarely just about you.Even in a nuclear family there is usually u pur own mother and mother in law to be accommodated, and that's it there are no grandmother's knocking on

Do it!

I read all your replies and at first I understood your frustration but then I thought 'what do you want instead'? People have given you dozens of suggestions how to salvage the day but you don't agree to any of them.

Yes it sucks he left for half a day but what was he supposed to do exactly? Per the agreement the SC need to be with their mum on this day and he needs to honour it. Unless the SC can take public transport he would have been gone half a day one way or another. If you particularly wanted lunch together, did you tell him that?

I'm sorry but IMO women equate consideration to mind-reading and get very upset when men don't Intuit what they should do. Most can't. You need to put it clearly and out loud to avoid this in future years. Otherwise this will be your mother's day experience on repeat.

@kkloo

Same my DH ex girlfriend ended up with one of his best mates at a later date… we always socialised, then marriage and kids it continued… until she got divorced from the friend. I liked her a lot and miss her now. Surprisingly easy to put her prior relationship and shagging my husband out of my head….. if you’re secure in your relationship it’s possible.

@waterlellon
I'm laughing at people saying to you to change the day, like why does it have to be you why can't the ex change the day, the 2nd family always get shit on, put your foot down op or she will walk all over you, she's probably doing this on badness to ruin your day to.

Your husband is not having lunch with his ex, only his children are, like you can have lunch with your children!

For crying out loud! Is the unconscious bias against stepmums so high that they cannot read the actual post???

The OP has NO problem with her stepchildren. She has NO problem with the ex – and has even defended her, which is so refreshing to read on the stepparenting board. It’s not even that her DP has to take the step kids home on mother’s day – she already knew that was happening.

It’s the sheer LACK OF COMMUNICATION, AND ERGO RESPECT about changing the gameplan from her DP that is causing her to be a tad pissed off and to have a rant in what is allegedly (ha!) meant to be a safe space for stepparents.

Yeah I gave up. People keep tagging and thanking me so I keep coming back and surprised to see it still going.

I feel like I've written some sort of exam question and loads of people aren't reading it or they've decided they want to make it about something else. Thanks to all the people who have read it as intended. To all the others sorry ill try harder to make it clearer next time.

Why does your DH have to take them to their mum for lunch? If she wants to see her children on Mothers Day then she can make the journey to collect/see them. Does your DH have to do a 3.5/4hr round trip everything’s the children see their mum?

The issue you have is he's doing exactly what she wants. She got her night out and babysitters and now getting her mother's day as she planned possibly in advance.
I'd say she can't have this both ways. She can have them back at the usual time or collect them herself?? I'd be sitting down and telling him if he's dancing to her tune, are you very important to him? And if he's going to continue this then future occasions I'd be making plans for myself!

Very annoying I agree however… Lots of people have offered very reasonable alternatives but you’re really not interested in making the day any better for yourself. Instead of making the most of the day under the circumstances it sounds like you want the day to be ruined so you can be angry at your dh. The day is going to be what you make it!

I very much doubt OP hadn’t already considered all the proposed alternatives herself for this Mother’s Day, none of them took a genius to work out which is probably why her original post stated she wanted a rant as opposed to asking for solutions.

There was one proposal that a PP suggested for next year, OP acknowledged it and said it might be a good idea. So I don’t think it’s fair to say she’s not interested in making this Sunday better for herself, she’s better placed than we are to know what would work best to salvage tomorrow.

Get someone else to drop the kids. She managed to spoil your mother's day. I think she is playing here and your partner is a full to play along. So she wants to see her kids so much that he has to drop them, she can't cancel her evening plans. Unless he wants to see her on others day and have family time with both parents.

I don't want a reasonable alternative. I don't actually care that he is doing it. That isn't the issue.

Thank you!!

A lot of people are just not getting it.

It's like if your husband completely forgot about your birthday but then scrambled around on the day to pull some sort of plans together and picked up a gift from the local Tesco. The day wouldn't be ruined, you'd still have a nice day but it would still sting that he had forgotten.

Sorry I think you are valid to feel the way you do because they are your feelings. However I actually don’t think your oh is doing anything wrong. You get to spend time with you DC which is the best part of Mother’s Day isn’t it??? Your SC get to spend Mother’s Day with their mum and your DC gets to spend time with you. Why does your husband have to be there for either of that to happen?

I think a lot of people are choosing to feel competitive and oddly superior here (“oh, gosh, you’re so shallow to make a big deal out of a greeting card holiday! I’m more sophisticated and don’t care!”) and are missing the point. When someone changes plans to accommodate another person, and it affects your plans, AND that someone presumes you will be OK with whatever they and the (more important) another person wants, it’s sending a huge message.

Let’s consider another scenario with no blended family. You and friend #1 plan to go to your favorite restaurant, let’s say, it’s a Chinese restaurant. You look forward to this, not only the company but going to this particular restaurant. Friend #1 asks later if Friend #2 can come along. You say ok even though you were looking forward to a one on one chat with your friend. But an hour beforehand, Friend #1 calls you up and says, “oh by the way, we decided we are going to (other restaurant) instead…Friend #2 doesn’t particularly like Chinese food.” Friend #1 has offered to change plans they made with you to accommodate an added person’s different preferences, without consulting you, and possibly when already knowing you won’t particularly enjoy the new plan. You might say, “oh, it’s so shallow to be bothered about a particular restaurant!” But the point is, plans were changed to accommodate an added person’s preferences with the presumption that the original person’s preferences are less important, despite their plan being made first.

I’m sure people will comment that this is not a perfect analogy, but at the heart of the matter it is pretty close. OP was looking forward to having some sort of special Mothers Day with her OH (and I for one don’t think it’s silly to want recognition on this day..she has a toddler FFS)…went to some trouble to organize this by trying to pre-set arrangements with the Ex to avoid drama. But OH then changed up the day to accommodate Ex, presuming that OP didn’t have preferences that mattered. That’s rude. Has nothing to do with mothers, step families, etc. it’s just rude.

Rtft

I absolutely loved reading through your responses. You are a literally legend, definitely the giggle I need today.
He should've told their mum if she's desperate for lunch plans then she should've arranged a way to get them that wouldn't have impacted your mother's day plans too.
Yes you knew he had kids when you got with him but that doesn't mean you've then got to put up with playing second fiddle when she suddenly changes her mind. Putting the kids first should not be the same as neglecting to acknowledge the importance of your partner. I don't get this whole it's all meant to be about the kids etc. Why shouldn't the father be like this day is about celebrating about what a wonderful mum you are to our kid and that he is thankful for the ability to call you the mother of his child? It doesn't even have to be gifts, just an actual effort made on the day to show he appreciates you for being the mother of child would go a long way. I mean I wished my close friends a happy mothers day. They aren't my mum but they deserve the recognition in my opinion so why wouldn't I wish them it??
Get that spa booked in for fathers day pronto!