Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

What a sad thread all round.

Talking about neglect is obviously ridiculous. However, 2 children being long term treated significantly differently to 2 others in the same household could be very damaging. Which is why this can't happen. The OP needs to stick to her guns. But not use the children as ammunition.

I’m not a stepmum, thanks. Funnily enough, I would never get involved with a man with kids because I don’t want to be one.

How old are the children ?

You didn't need to say you're not a step mum, that much was obvious.

This further comment is bringing you up to almost a full house!

I agree. I can't believe what I'm reading here. You are either a blended family or you aren't.
You should all be working together and communicating with each other.

If my DSS's clothes were in the wash basket like everyone else's, or even just in a neat pile, I certainly wouldn't fish them out and refuse to include them. As it is, he leaves them strewn all over the place with zero thought to the person having to tidy them. This winds me up and I am sick of having to ask him literally every time not to do it. I begrudge having to do this while my DP does not think about it at all. So I just ignore it and leave it, and usually it doesn't get done.

It would be neglect and emotional abuse if the step children are consistently treated differently to other children in the household. How can it not?
Other children have clean clothes, attend activities, are not dropped at school without being booked in etc but the step children suffer all of that whilst the adults in their lives score points. I’m not saying OP steps up but they must be prepared for a drop in household income when the dad reduces hours so that he can do all of this.

But you chose that life?

Not a step mum, but I hear you. I don’t go into my teenagers’ rooms to retrieve washing, if they don’t have clean clothes it’s on them (and if they have gone in the basket but I have been too busy, it’s on me and I apologise to them - quid pro quo!)

"Score points" is a very juvenile way of phrasing "avoid taking on huge, never ending responsibilities your partner should be doing but is neglecting". It matters.

There's a big difference between falling for a man with kids and living the reality. I had no idea as I had no experience of it. If I ever had to do it again, it would be a deal breaker.

Don't do it. Those children deserve better parenting - keep to the current arrangement - but maybe have an actual conscience and do the bare minimum for those kids - i.e. clean uniform and a packed lunch on Mondays. I think you need to reflect on you and your husband's attitude here. I would not describe your family as blended if these facts are true.

I want to know the laundry system in place. Does each person have their own baskets? Or did OP go through the basket and specifically pick out laundry that belonged only to her and her children? And presumably DH?

What's the work split and the chore split between you?

Or is it DH’s job to do Saturday laundry and he just didn’t do it?

Just say no, it can’t work as you won’t be doing any of the leg work (which I agree with).

He needs to be home with them after school but he will be at work etc so how will it work…

It won’t, just say no.

My step child moving in would be my worst nightmare.

I imagine her kids laundry and her clothing would be at least 1 load so he could do his kids load.

Hi, speaking from experience here. My husband had full custody of his 3 children when we met, I had a 2 year old. I didn’t feel comfortable being a parent to his children as in discipline but I would wash clothes make meals etc. I didn’t really put in any effort with them and just concentrated on my son. The 3 children had a remarkable relationship with their dad. I didn’t really give cuddles or sit talking to them unless their dad was there. 10 years on and 2 more children and believe you me my actions years ago have had an impact on my relationship with them. They are all young adults now and one has left home but I definitely feel I should have made more of an effort years ago, don’t get me wrong I talk to them laugh and do general “mother” things but I’m definitely not close to them which I massively regret, it’s had an impact on our blended family and my relationship with my husband.

Step-kids' mum not too fussed about having the kids less!!

This. Poor bairns.

What?! He’s not bloody blind. He knows the washing isn’t clean and clearly doesn’t care.

@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Not read the full thread but I’m really shocked at your attitude to your step-children ie that you refuse to do any basic parenting.

You married a man who had children. If you wanted no responsibility whatsoever for those children, you should have chosen someone without children. Imagine, for some reason, it was your own children in someone else’s house being sent to school in a dirty uniform and without lunch. This is the kind of thing that I would do for any child staying in my house, let alone my stepchildren.

Trust me - I have watched lots of adults play childish games trying to score points using children. My job means I often have to witness parents make fools of themselves at the expense of the children they claim to love to prove they’re the better parent.

I have also seen women play the doting step parent until they have their own. They then want to work part time and the dad work full time but now the step children are an inconvenience and unwanted. Slowly the step children get the message they’re not wanted and the relationship dies. Yes, the dad is the parent but they need to work full time to support the new family.

I am not saying it is easy - it isn’t - but it’s not as simple as they’re your children therefore I do nothing for them. They are children and should be part of your family. The children should be treated the same, all feeling valued and loved. That may mean dad goes part time and mum full time to facilitate this but the children being loved and looked after should come first. The adults need to make it happen not hold their hands in the air and say not my problem or put their head in the sand and hope someone else does it. Communicate and sort it.

That’s abhorrent. How could you be so cruel to children 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

I admire you, OP, for being honest and realistic.

The only way your DH will understand how much he needs to step up is by you giving him the responsibility and him failing until he gets it.

If you have a trial, make sure you note down all the times he neglected his children. Keep a record so that you can explain why you think the kids are better off not spending more time with your household.

Of course, be ready to step in and help when he messes up and when the SC need care but also keep a record then too.