Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

They need looking after by whoever, it doesn't really matter.

Except it absolutely does matter. Nobody should be forced into adoption.

Yes, I get weekends can be very busy. But doing a load of laundry does not take forever and you can pop a load in, let it dry etc in between activities.

Anyway, she should be having a discussion with her husband for him to pull his weight around the household.....but also I do not think doing the bare minimum for the step kids is too much to ask on the weekends she has them.....husband should be doing things for them/the family as well.

Of course it matters! Looking after children takes time and mental and physical energy! You’re giving away OP’s time and energy and it’s not yours to give!

The only energy I would have her expend here is to call the ex wife and tell her truthfully what little her useless ex husband does for their children.

I give up.

OP IS doing things for all - cooking etc. You have decided that there is some "bare minimum" she should do, but it's very easy to end up including every domestic chore in that bare minimum.

I won't respond again to you.

And servitude to a man for checking kids have clean clothes? I obviously can't be a feminist because I would put children first.

If anyone wants to stay with a man who thinks everything is woman's work that is their choice. Just as it is a choice for the woman to refuse to do the decent thing by said children she chose to be involved with, or leave said misogynistic/lazy man.

The children involved didn't decide 'oh, you know what I want? A Dad I don't live with who can't be arsed and a Step Mum who is happy with it as long as we don't stay there more than 2 weekends a month'.

Step mum shouldn't be used in all cases anyway. Some are step Mums and some are Dad's wife.

Well it does matter that someone should be looking after the kids, otherwise we are totally going down the neglect route.

Will OP get so fed up so that she doesn't do anything that could possibly be construed for the step kids benefit eg only enough food and meals for her and her kids over the whole weekend, and leave it to feckless dad to sort everything.

I have never defended the dad, he sounds terrible. But I assume OP had an inkling what he was like as a useless dad when she had a child with him, and I assume he is as useless with the joint child as he is with his older children, or did he suddenly become useless when OP came along?

I'm not sure how she thinks the blended family bit is working fairly well, because it certainly doesn't look it is working well from what I have read on here.

And like I said, she should speak to her husband to pull his weight as well. Perhaps he can take up the laundry duty for the entire family or do some of the cooking. I wonder what he is doing when she does the cooking? Does he take all 4 kids out to the park or does he just sit on his butt watching tv?

The op doesn't want that and the kiddies will suffer.

You have saved me so much time today replying to people with the exact points I would have made.

Thank you for doing my grunt work. Haha!

She said he works really long hours which presumably benefit her and her DC lifestyle.

It is absolutely ridiculous to suggest that the person who doesn't get in until late should make the dinner, no matter the gender. I worked until anywhere between 7-10pm and I would have been more than unimpressed if I had to come home and make the dinner too when my partner had a shorter day and was at home with the kids!

Or do you mean she should have left the SC dinner until whatever time he gets in because they are not hers? OR if she's made hers a sandwich for lunch she shouldn't be spending another 3 mins making extra?

Some of you must have never lived within an actual family where people give and take before. Or hate step children. Or maybe even children in general.

There's only 2 options she nags him or they both neglect them. She can't say nothing and expect things to change. Look at Brexit noone is going to say anything and it will get worse and worse.

No one is defending the DH but the OP does have a responsibility to the kids if he's leaving them in her care. She's got at least rise to the standard of a responsible babysitter. If all she can do is call their mum and telling her that their dad isn't taking care of them, then fine. The OP posted here because she knows it's shit and she's worried it will get much worse if they live with them full-time. I couldn't treat kids like this who live in my home -- I know what it does to a kid's self-esteem.

You completely misread my post!

The PP was acting as if the OP didn’t do anything for the DSC, I was pointing out that eg she cooked for all. Not saying she shouldn’t.

Cooking is time dependent, if someone is back late. Some weekend washing and a Sunday night sandwich session isn’t.

Solution they clean up as a family then everyone is happy and the kiddies learn how to clean a house. Dedicate a Saturday or morning and everyone chips in before their day out.

Awesome, the DH can teach them how to run the wash, you mean?

Given the man wants to be fun dad, I think he will 100% go for that plan

No one is defending the DH but the OP does have a responsibility to the kids if he's leaving them in her care. She's got at least rise to the standard of a responsible babysitter.

A babysitter would have been asked, not to mention paid. And her solution was hardly worlds apart from what a babysitter might do upon having children sprung on them with no notice. Driven to school in the clothes available - last weeks dirty one's - sounds very much like the kind of thing anyone in that position would do, to me. It's not like she left them alone in the house - she did ensure their safety.

Or hate step children. Or maybe even children in general.

While this wasn't aimed at any particular poster, this was harsh of me so I apologise.

Always put children's well being first.

The thing is, the OP chooses to remain in a relationship with this man, knowing he's a crap parent. It's the kids who have no say here and who need defending.
We all think the dad is failing and no one is saying this is her responsibility and not his. But we shouldn't defend her behaviour, when it is also wrong, just because she's a woman. You can't say 'not my problem' when its children who suffer and still be a decent human.

Why are all these people defending OP in a ‘women’s rights’ sort of way - she shouldn’t have to do it etc etc. What about human kindness ? Surely that would make you wash your sc uniforms and make them a packed lunch. Because they’re human beings and you care about them ?!

Everyone in the household chips in. Bathroom, kitchen, hoovering, washing etc. It's called team work.

But they got lunch at school, did they not? it just had to be paid for.

I'd be surprised if he knows how.

This is the most important thing. Regardless of what everyone thinks, there are two children stuck in the middle that aren’t having their basic needs met.

People have been using that as a tool to keep women from complaining that they are not being treated fairly for a long, long time.

If all women give into this, then the the culture of deliberate incompetence from men when it comes to children continues.