Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

didn't mean to strikethrough anything

Doesn't she wake up and see it's happened again and have some time in the morning to deal with it if she really wanted to?

She doesn't want to, that's the point.

“I'd have dropped the kids off at his work or called their mum and told her the situation.”

Both of which would have made her far later for work than what she did do, which was drop the kids at before school care.

We have no idea how time sensitive OP’s work is. She may have eg patients waiting for her.

Shouldn't that be a relationship problem, not the kids' problem?

And equally why doesn’t he wake up and see it’s happened again so he has time to deal with it ? Or does male genitalia make it as difficult to make a packed lunch as it clearly does to think ahead on the weekends you have your children ?

I find this thread really depressing. Blended families are difficult but sending children to school in dirty uniforms is pretty grim. I had two DCs when my now DH and I got together. They are now 28 and 23 and we have a 19 year old of our own. DH drove DS 23 to London to collect his stuff from his Uni room- he has always cooked/ driven them around etc. Our finances are joint and while my ex did pay maintenance DH has definitely also paid for them. I just don’t see how you can separate things like this.

She did the best for the kids given what she was left with. She got them up, she got them dressed, she got them to school where she knew they'd get a school lunch. Yes, she absolutely has a relationship problem.

She does what she can for the kids and has been honest that her capabilities can't stretch to full time when dad's not mucking in. By saying no to having them full time she is doing what's best for the kids, unlike dad who's happy to have them full time despite the fact he's not capable of looking after them.

Can I ask what people think should happen going forward. Obviously, not a good idea for children to come and live with them full-time and obviously the DH should step up and be a dad, but in the mean time? Many posters are saying OP shouldn't do the laundry, make pack lunches etc, also saying shouldn't have to take on mental load to tell DH what he should be doing, or tell the mum etc. So do the step kids just carry on turning up to school in dirty clothes and expecting the school to foot the bill for breakfast club and lunches until the feckless dad pays for them?

Because the only ones who are suffering here are the step kids

I think that the arrangements should stay the same, with the kids coming every other weekend until the dad can spend more time with them etc.

In the meantime, until OP and her partner have discussions, the children should be treated like a child of the family and sent to school in clean clothes etc, whether that be dad or step mum doing it. As long as it gets done.

I assume you also cooked, did washings etc for your kids. That's the way it should be. Both parents mucking in but that's not what's happening in OPs house. She's expected to take on all the grunt work while dad does the fun stuff. That's not a partnership. If he did his share of housework I'm sure she wouldn't mind doing a bit extra for the stepkids but it doesn't sound like he pulls his weight at all.

Yes, it's a sad situation but it's not up to OP to just do everything.

My point was it's not being dropped on at the last minute. She would have known he was doing it again when she got up.

She says this will continue to happen and there are a huge list of things she won't be doing for the stepkids. How will this work? She wakes up in the morning and says "oh well stepkids, your dad abandoned you again this morning so clean clothes, and before school care, no breakfast or lunch for you! While she lovingly gets her own children ready and makes their lunches? Or when her stepkids can't do any activities, she'll just be sitting at home and saying, "oh well, your Dad is working!" I understand that she's trying to make a point, but at a certain point it becomes abusive and she is part of the abuse. It would be better if she let their mum know exactly what is happening because I can't imagine their mum would be okay with it. I actually think the OP is at least self aware enough to know it's wrong and knows it won't work for them to move in full-time but it's not okay even for weekends and holidays.

Judging by OP's posts, the 'no lunch and early drop off' has only happened a couple of times.

Obviously she is concerned that it would happen more if they lived there.

I was being sarcastic w this post, I am sure it is the OP, who does her families laundry. And I think it is not nice she plans to do the laundry so she does not have to wash the step children's uniform. If it is in fact the father doing the family laundry on a different day, then shame on him. But from the sounds of it is in fact the OP choosing to do laundry on a different day so she does not have to wash an additional set of uniforms....or bc it simply does not suit her. To me it sounds like she is just being difficult and trying to prove a point with her husband. It sounds like she is fed up with him not pulling his weight and she is taking it out on these poor kids.

I agree, she should not have full responsibility of them...they are not her kids...but when they are with her every other weekend, she should at least do the basics. She should not have married this guy if she could not handle it....

@SamPoodle123 op is busy at weekends - quite possibly taking children to sport etc. I doubt it’s drinking cocktails, anyway.

“She should not have married this guy if she couldn’t handle it”

It’s reasonable to assume that a person will parent their children and put on washing and make lunches, no? I married my DH in the full expectation he would do all those things. We happen to share children, but he has a working brain and body.

Well that's not true, the person left looking after two kids against their will also suffers.

So in answer to your question about what should happen - OP should have it out with her husband, really lay out what she feels he is neglecting, what he has left her to do in the past that she is not willing to do and will not be doing going forward. And then I think she should draw a line under it, and not be expected to cave and do it all anyway if he doesn't step up.

But from the sounds of it is in fact the OP choosing to do laundry on a different day so she does not have to wash an additional set of uniforms....or bc it simply does not suit her.

I do laundry when I find I have run out of pants. Should I wait for the weekend anyway?

Why on Earth would you assume she's doing it then just to avoid doing her SCs?

I can't believe we've had 29 pages of this shit. This is why women will never be treated as equals, there are too many other women willing to throw us under the bus and defend the poor men.

Yes, of course her husband should also help out....but if she is doing it for herself, him and her own kids (Im talking about the laundry here...) then not sure why she cannot do it for two additional uniforms....and moving it to Friday after school does not seem like a big deal to me....I do laundry all the time...almost every day.

I'm defending the children. They need looking after by whoever, it doesn't really matter.

How is bizarre? Of course he knew all this and isn't doing it. OP knows he isn't doing it and isn't doing anything about it either.

I find it bizarre that people are more concerned about which adult is more at fault when ultimately neither is doing anything which is not good for the kids. OP has a choice, the kids don't.

As I've said numerous times, she should be letting their Mum know when she says 'I'm not going to be involved with them' she means, 'even if I see their Dad not fulfilling basic care I will stand by and watch as that's what I've been doing all along'.

You can't just send kids into school before it starts and tell them to stay there without informing the school or letting them know they need provided with a lunch. It doesn't matter how bad their Dad is, you can't make a post self righteously explaining how you know how to care for your own children but turn a blind eye to children that, at the very least, you should care for their well being.

Guarantee you if they were separated and she knew he was doing this to her DC and then left them in the care of someone who also was doing it, she would be furious as any normal person would.

Consider the post - 'My exh only has my children every other weekend. I have now found out that not only does he not do the simplest of tasks such as making sure they attend school in clean clothes that haven't been lying with germs on them all weekend, he has left them in the care of their step mother who has known about this for a while and not told me. She has dropped them at school early with no notice to staff and without any lunch. Again, without even bothering to tell me and we were actually discussing 50/50!'

I'd be saying don't have your children staying at all never mind 50/50 until the adults in the house learn how to care for the DC properly. Not all this tit for tat. Only people anyone should be caring about is the children.

Of course it bloody matters by who!

I am not a stepmum and will never be one. But gosh, they get a hard time of it on MN. Meanwhile as usual, men get to procreate while doing very little.