Page 31 | Step kids want to live with us full time.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 2023-08-22T01:30:32+00:00

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together. Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them. I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them. Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me. The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

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Set a reminder

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 16:45

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 16:45

People have been using that as a tool to keep women from complaining that they are not being treated fairly for a long, long time.

If all women give into this, then the the culture of deliberate incompetence from men when it comes to children continues.

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Exactly.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 16:46

Lentilweaver · 22/08/2023 16:44

But they got lunch at school, did they not? it just had to be paid for.

That's true I think the op wanted to make a point but it didn't come across well.

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 16:47

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 16:42

No one is defending the DH but the OP does have a responsibility to the kids if he's leaving them in her care. She's got at least rise to the standard of a responsible babysitter.

A babysitter would have been asked, not to mention paid. And her solution was hardly worlds apart from what a babysitter might do upon having children sprung on them with no notice. Driven to school in the clothes available - last weeks dirty one's - sounds very much like the kind of thing anyone in that position would do, to me. It's not like she left them alone in the house - she did ensure their safety.

No, she told them to go in and stay there. How did she know breakfast club hadn't been cancelled or the staff to public ratio meant they couldn't attend? A babysitter would have at least ensured staff knew they were coming without notice and that they were aware they would need to order lunch as one hadn't been provided. And inform the other parent.

Mrsjayy · 22/08/2023 16:48

HamBone · 22/08/2023 13:43

@Mrsjayy The problem is that if the OP starts washing their uniforms, it’ll permanently turn into one of “her” jobs.

I think a reminder to her DH on Sunday that their uniforms need to be washed is the best approach. Surely he can act on it?!

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I actually don't expect the Op to do washing if she doesn't want to but she knows full well the children's clothes need a wash for Monday and says nothing to try and teach her uncaring husband a lesson it doesn't work I am assuming she has said something in the past and given up that imo is what makes her complicit. And if she says her husband Is such a great dad why isn't he doing any washing for any of the kids .

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 16:48

Bignanny30 · 22/08/2023 16:43

Why are all these people defending OP in a ‘women’s rights’ sort of way - she shouldn’t have to do it etc etc. What about human kindness ? Surely that would make you wash your sc uniforms and make them a packed lunch. Because they’re human beings and you care about them ?!

The more I read the more I laugh. I feel sorry for the op she is getting terrible advice.

DancingDaisyLdy · 22/08/2023 16:49

LadyBird1973 · 22/08/2023 16:42

The thing is, the OP chooses to remain in a relationship with this man, knowing he's a crap parent. It's the kids who have no say here and who need defending.
We all think the dad is failing and no one is saying this is her responsibility and not his. But we shouldn't defend her behaviour, when it is also wrong, just because she's a woman. You can't say 'not my problem' when its children who suffer and still be a decent human.

Agreed! The SM just becomes complicit.

Lastchancechica · 22/08/2023 16:53

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 16:48

The more I read the more I laugh. I feel sorry for the op she is getting terrible advice.

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Because women should just be “nice” okay everyone.
Just shut the hell up and be kind.

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 16:59

Bottom line - the dirty uniform and slapdash schools drop off and last minute school lunch aren't great, but the kids were fed/clothed/safe. And they still want to move in with OP.
It's Dad's responsibility to do in better for them. If he was even pulling his weight generally and with their own shared child, OP would have more in the tank for her DSC. As it stands, they are lower on her priority list than her own children so if she's not got enough to go round all the kids then the DSC are the ones who must then be catered for by their parent.
It would be different if they were in actual danger, but they aren't. So OP is quite right to hold the line and do only what she feels she has the capacity to do.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 17:01

Lastchancechica · 22/08/2023 16:53

Because women should just be “nice” okay everyone.
Just shut the hell up and be kind.

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Grow up you choose who you lay down with and I'd he's not a team player then he is not for you. There is 6 of us in a household with out team work we wouldn't function.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:02

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 17:01

Grow up you choose who you lay down with and I'd he's not a team player then he is not for you. There is 6 of us in a household with out team work we wouldn't function.

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So you think OP should leave him?

Soontobe60 · 22/08/2023 17:04

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/08/2023 05:19

I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here. They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday. DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school. I told them to put the uniform on and left them at school and told them to go into the before school care room and stay there. They had no lunch etc so he got a bill for canteen and before school care.

Really???? You made a point about your hopeless DH by sending the kids to school in dirty clothes? Appalling!

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 17:05

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 16:45

People have been using that as a tool to keep women from complaining that they are not being treated fairly for a long, long time.

If all women give into this, then the the culture of deliberate incompetence from men when it comes to children continues.

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What do you suggest? Neglect children until all men listen?

There are good men who understand their responsibilities. There are also shit ones. If you stay with a shit man that is on you (abusive men aside).

Women have their own voices, people keep saying 'we're not in the 50s anymore'... no, we're not. Leave if you're unhappy because you are allowed, and if you are with someone who has shown they don't care about you or your children then they're highly unlikely to change and we are not here to 'change' men.

Or as some people are suggesting, neglect children so we can be proud women who show the world we refuse to be considered kind as it's outdated🙄

Surprised there are any single mothers if all we have to do as women to get rid of the patriarchy is stop caring about children.

That'll show them.

newyearsresolurion · 22/08/2023 17:06

Oh gosh say no

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 17:07

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 16:42

No one is defending the DH but the OP does have a responsibility to the kids if he's leaving them in her care. She's got at least rise to the standard of a responsible babysitter.

A babysitter would have been asked, not to mention paid. And her solution was hardly worlds apart from what a babysitter might do upon having children sprung on them with no notice. Driven to school in the clothes available - last weeks dirty one's - sounds very much like the kind of thing anyone in that position would do, to me. It's not like she left them alone in the house - she did ensure their safety.

If you look at the totality of what the OP has said, and don't focus on just one or two elements, then no, she is not doing what most people would do in that situation. She's not treating all the kids the same when they are alone in her care and I don't agree that is acceptable. They don't even try to act as a team -- she assumes he will do everything for his kids when he has proven multiple times that he won't and he seems to assume she'll do everything for all the kids while he's at work.

Their dad is neglectful to fail to provide for them and then go off and leave them in her care assuming she will take care of them as if they were equal members of their "blended family" (her words). Maybe even their dad doesn't fully understand how differently they are being treated while he's working long hours. Maybe the answer is he hires a nanny who would take care of just his two kids (also terrible for the family dynamic and it would be better it a nanny was hired to help with all 4 kids, but the OP is determined not to work as a team for the benefit of all 4 kids). This is what she has said:

"My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me."
"The thing is I won’t do it, and the kids will miss out."
"I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here."
"They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday."
"DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school."
"I told them to put the uniform on and left them at school and told them to go into the before school care room and stay there."
"They had no lunch etc so he got a bill for canteen and before school care."
"I don’t make sure the washing is done"
"I assume their dad has organised care in the morning when we both have to work"
"If my kids have something on that will always take priority."
"If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform."
"They will miss out on their activities because my kids have something on or because I don’t want to drag my youngest out yet again."
"I work and also put a lot of time into my kids, I do all the sport, running around, and it’s the little things like spend time making sure they are on top of their homework, they have everything they need ready, read to them, decorate the house when it’s their birthday. You know all the little things a mum does. I can’t do that for my step kids. And that is what worries me."

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 17:10

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:02

So you think OP should leave him?

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It's up to her I wouldn't tolerate it and I don't care how loud I am. If there is no team work then there is no point. We all chip in or it won't get done or household tasks won't be completed. Just for you I will post a picture of my partner with a broom. I will try to remember your name.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 17:11

@AaaaaandBreathe I suggest say "I am not doing it" and mean it. He will have no choice but to parent to his own standards. It's his choice, I'm not doing it just because I am nearby. The kids are not in danger, they just aren't being parented as well as I or anyone here would like.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 17:14

@Sleepydoor "alone in her care" is a very kind way to phrase unceremoniously dumped on her without her consent. I would refuse to engage in judgment over the quality of my "care" as though I agreed to do it, and it would be very clear that it was not to happen again.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:14

@spitefulandbadgrammar Ok she doesn't look after them then and they continue to be neglected. Great parenting on both sides 👍

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:16

@SheilaFentiman At the moment it's by no one! How anyone can be ok with kids being neglected is beyond me.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:18

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 16:16

They need looking after by whoever, it doesn't really matter.

Except it absolutely does matter. Nobody should be forced into adoption.

Then don't marry or live with a man who has kids. They come as a package.

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 17:20

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 17:14

@Sleepydoor "alone in her care" is a very kind way to phrase unceremoniously dumped on her without her consent. I would refuse to engage in judgment over the quality of my "care" as though I agreed to do it, and it would be very clear that it was not to happen again.

Her husband is working long hours. She married her husband and knew he had two kids. Has she said she doesn't consent to be left alone with her stepkids while he works? Should her husband quit his job so she never has to be alone with them? Presumably, unless the OP says otherwise, she consents to being the parent in charge while her husband works. If their marriage isn't team where they both work for the benefit of all of them, what's the point? He needs to do more, but I think it's unreasonable for anyone to think they can marry a person with two kids and never be alone with them, especially when their parent is working.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 17:23

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:18

Then don't marry or live with a man who has kids. They come as a package.

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I agree with you her husband came with children she has no choice if she decides to marry him.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:23

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 17:20

Her husband is working long hours. She married her husband and knew he had two kids. Has she said she doesn't consent to be left alone with her stepkids while he works? Should her husband quit his job so she never has to be alone with them? Presumably, unless the OP says otherwise, she consents to being the parent in charge while her husband works. If their marriage isn't team where they both work for the benefit of all of them, what's the point? He needs to do more, but I think it's unreasonable for anyone to think they can marry a person with two kids and never be alone with them, especially when their parent is working.

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Christ alive! OP has NOT said she expects not to be alone with the step kids. she collects them on a Friday. What she has said is that he doesn’t chase them to eat veggies etc so she follows his lead. On other threads, SMs are overstepping if they try to lay down rules.

And no thanks to the picture of your DH with a broom, PP. I have my own DH who
pulls his weight, and I would rather look at him than yours

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 17:24

How long have you been dating? Who's house is it? I'm not a step parent but I think your take is very odd. The choice is ultimately yours and DH. Whatever the mother wants is neither here or there because you can't just let your kids move into someone else's home what does their mother mean??

Sorry to sound crass and make it about money but it's a huge factor, less space in the house, holidays and nobody would be entitled to childmaintaince if 50/50 was happening. Does your DH actually pay for his 2 kids currently?

rocksstones2023 · 22/08/2023 17:25

My children's step mother does nothing to look after my kids at their house.

Youngest came home after a week having had one shower only.
They often have clothes covered in dirty or messy. No help given to find some clothes to help diy at their house. They are left to paint in their good clothes.

Their father is apparently blind to all this and I assume she is too. Sad but I don't blame her that said she's quick enough to tell them off when she fancies. Odd that.