Page 24 | Step kids want to live with us full time.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 2023-08-22T01:30:32+00:00

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together. Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them. I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them. Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me. The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:33

Ragingbull1 · 22/08/2023 13:33

SOMEONE needs to do the washing. Maybe the Dad is working? I've no idea. But here we have TWO GROWN ADULTS, and between them they can't get their shit together enough to have children in clean clothes and with food for lunch.

And there is very much the undercurrent in this house, of not doing anything for any child who isn't biologically your own. Which leads to segregation, in what is meant to be a blended family. The children didn't ask to be in a blended family. The children didn't ask to be carted between two houses all the time. And they certainly didn't ask to be treated as second class citizens in their fathers home.

I guarantee, that when the SC are adults, they will remember the times that they were sent in to school with dirty clothes and no food. And they will detest both parents for letting that happen.

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Both parents are working. HTH.

MistyMountainTop · 22/08/2023 13:35

Solonge · 22/08/2023 13:30

So op doesn't wash her own kids uniforms when they finish school on Friday? They all have dirty clothes? Jeez…the level of selfishness in the face of caring for kids is mindblowing!

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Blimey, you'd have had me put away for neglect, school skirts (tartan tweed) were washed every half term, shirts whenever it was a good drying day!

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:35

The DH doesn't seem to do the "not fun" bits for any kids, biologically his or not.

Naunet · 22/08/2023 13:35

Ragingbull1 · 22/08/2023 13:08

Not only is it child neglect, it's a petty obsession with doing as little as possible. Who the fuck stands at the laundry basket and segregates washing according to who it belongs to? And decides to only wash the clothes of the children who are biologically her own? It's so petty and lazy. And sends a very clear message to those SC that they are not on the same level as the other 2 children.
Horrible, horrible, horrible.

When did this happen?

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 13:35

@Ragingbull1 Bluntly, how the SC would feel about it is adults is not enough of a priority to me to come before avoiding doing all my DPs work for him. That is the greater evil for me. Hence why the actual parents, for whom it surely is a priority, need to get their shit together and make it their focus.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:38

Naunet · 22/08/2023 13:35

When did this happen?

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On the fourth of Never :)

Mrsjayy · 22/08/2023 13:38

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 13:32

So bottom line, if the dad a waste of space Op entitled to neglect them? Great lesson she is showing there to her two kids.

I don't believe someone that isn't responsible for them can neglect them, she just isn't stepping in to prevent their neglect at long and lengthy cost to herself.

This makes her complicit.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:38

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 13:35

@Ragingbull1 Bluntly, how the SC would feel about it is adults is not enough of a priority to me to come before avoiding doing all my DPs work for him. That is the greater evil for me. Hence why the actual parents, for whom it surely is a priority, need to get their shit together and make it their focus.

Sounds fair.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:40

Mrsjayy · 22/08/2023 13:38

This makes her complicit.

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It's crap behaviour from the DH but it really comes nowhere near the bar of neglect. Sending kids to school in the same clothes they wore on Friday and occasionally forgetting their lunch so they have to have school lunch (which is then paid for) really isn't neglect.

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 13:41

You need to just straight up say, it will not work and not happening. Your husband is not home after work until late and they will not have a parent around to care for them. You are already busy with two kids and can not handle four on your own. I would suggest a compromise in that they could spend 3 day weekend at yours every other weekend or something like that. It is not fair to expect you to take on all this responsibility before even ask if you want to or can handle it.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:43

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 13:41

You need to just straight up say, it will not work and not happening. Your husband is not home after work until late and they will not have a parent around to care for them. You are already busy with two kids and can not handle four on your own. I would suggest a compromise in that they could spend 3 day weekend at yours every other weekend or something like that. It is not fair to expect you to take on all this responsibility before even ask if you want to or can handle it.

agree - and relates to the OP's actual question too :)

HamBone · 22/08/2023 13:43

Mrsjayy · 22/08/2023 13:38

This makes her complicit.

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@Mrsjayy The problem is that if the OP starts washing their uniforms, it’ll permanently turn into one of “her” jobs.

I think a reminder to her DH on Sunday that their uniforms need to be washed is the best approach. Surely he can act on it?!

andthat · 22/08/2023 13:43

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:32

Err, no - as per my post above, her kids (if they are school age) will have several sets of uniform, at least one of which is washed on, say, Thursday and ready for Monday.

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Totally agree with this.

Poor kids.

Lentilweaver · 22/08/2023 13:44

I think the OP isn't doing small stuff for her stepchildren because then she will be bullied into always doing it forever. So she is setting boundaries right now.

Ragingbull1 · 22/08/2023 13:44

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 13:35

@Ragingbull1 Bluntly, how the SC would feel about it is adults is not enough of a priority to me to come before avoiding doing all my DPs work for him. That is the greater evil for me. Hence why the actual parents, for whom it surely is a priority, need to get their shit together and make it their focus.

But when you have a blended family, there will be times when the step parent is the ONLY adult there. Should they just ignore the SC? Make dinner for themselves and their bio children, and let the SC go hungry? Why?

What if the Op's husband had a dog before they met? Oh dear, the dog got run over, but I'm not taking it to the vet because, you know, not my dog, not my responsibility.

If you want to have a blended family, then there can be no hierarchy.

I'd like to know how Op would feel, if her eldest child was treated like this when she went to her Dad's house. If her eldest was sent to school dirty and without food - would that be just fine? Doubt it.

truthhurts23 · 22/08/2023 13:45

be prepared to divorce and move out OP, because I promise you that you will be picking up the slack,
If he wants the kids full time , let him do it by himself and see how quick he throws the towel in
or he will find some other woman/ servant to look after his kids and clean the house
good luck

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 13:46

Also, I find this terrible, that you can not bother to at least wash their clothes. Sending them into school with dirty uniforms every Monday is appalling. How hard is it to do a load Friday after school? You can toss their things with your things....geez.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:46

"If her eldest was sent to school dirty and without food - would that be just fine? "

The children had access to school meals. They were not "without food"

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:47

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 13:46

Also, I find this terrible, that you can not bother to at least wash their clothes. Sending them into school with dirty uniforms every Monday is appalling. How hard is it to do a load Friday after school? You can toss their things with your things....geez.

OP does her washing during the week, if you read her posts.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:47

Lentilweaver · 22/08/2023 13:44

I think the OP isn't doing small stuff for her stepchildren because then she will be bullied into always doing it forever. So she is setting boundaries right now.

Yep.

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 13:47

Ragingbull1 · 22/08/2023 13:44

But when you have a blended family, there will be times when the step parent is the ONLY adult there. Should they just ignore the SC? Make dinner for themselves and their bio children, and let the SC go hungry? Why?

What if the Op's husband had a dog before they met? Oh dear, the dog got run over, but I'm not taking it to the vet because, you know, not my dog, not my responsibility.

If you want to have a blended family, then there can be no hierarchy.

I'd like to know how Op would feel, if her eldest child was treated like this when she went to her Dad's house. If her eldest was sent to school dirty and without food - would that be just fine? Doubt it.

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Nice rant, except OP does feed the kids and help with homework, and do school and club runs and spend time with them so it's not really relevant.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 22/08/2023 13:48

I’m a single parent to two primary aged kids.

If I left my kids at home without a plan to get them to school, didn’t provide them lunch, didn’t wash their uniforms, didn’t pick them up from school, didn’t do the boring bits of parenting then most people would probably think I was quite a crap parent.

The op’s dh only has his kids every other weekend and he already does all of that. OP sometimes steps in to help with the worst of the safety stuff (eg not leaving them home alone). Thankfully. I can’t believe that so many people on this thread think op is doing something wrong here, but dad is doing fine.

You need to call the mum - be really clear about what dh does, what you do, and what doesn’t get done. Before the kids move in with you.

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 13:50

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 13:47

OP does her washing during the week, if you read her posts.

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Yes, I saw that, but she could do the laundry when she has her step kids Friday when they are home from school. I do not think this is that difficult and it is basic care. I get that she does not want them full time and that is too much to ask, but sending them in dirty clothes every Monday that she has them over the weekend just seems terrible.... Or if can't she should inform the mom to send them to hers with a spare clean uniform set...

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 13:51

But when you have a blended family, there will be times when the step parent is the ONLY adult there. Should they just ignore the SC? Make dinner for themselves and their bio children, and let the SC go hungry? Why?

There are no times when my DSC is here that my DP is not without him asking me if I mind first, and without it being for something unavoidable. So of course I don't ignore him and not feed him, but it has been specifically asked of me, with gratitude. Irrelevant here though as OP does those things even when he is there.

What if the Op's husband had a dog before they met? Oh dear, the dog got run over, but I'm not taking it to the vet because, you know, not my dog, not my responsibility.

I think everyone's answers would be very different if the SC were in immediate danger, most people would help anyone in that situation.

If you want to have a blended family, then there can be no hierarchy.

Not hierarchy, just differences in responsibility that the adults involved need to understand.

I'd like to know how Op would feel, if her eldest child was treated like this when she went to her Dad's house. If her eldest was sent to school dirty and without food - would that be just fine? Doubt it.

Hopefully her ire would be where it should be - with their dad.

LifesIsABeach · 22/08/2023 13:51

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 13:50

Yes, I saw that, but she could do the laundry when she has her step kids Friday when they are home from school. I do not think this is that difficult and it is basic care. I get that she does not want them full time and that is too much to ask, but sending them in dirty clothes every Monday that she has them over the weekend just seems terrible.... Or if can't she should inform the mom to send them to hers with a spare clean uniform set...

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Did you forget they have a DAD? That can do it.