Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

So she should just enable his lazy behaviour?

Not read many PP but surely it is not for the 4 DSC to choose where they live differently from what was apparently agreed at parents divorce? OP is not to blame at all as she expected 4 DC would be mostly with their mother according to previous arrangement.

Not the first time though according to her op. .using children to make a point Is uncaring bet all the other kids had clean uniform. The children deserve better and the thing is the dad and Sm are so much fun EOW the kids don't notice .

I really respect your clarity and boundaries here, OP. It’s admirable.

That your H is prepared to leave his children in dirty uniform and with no food at school is quite telling about his approach to both Disney parenting and women’s roles.

The kids should be spending less time with you both if no one is willing or able to meet their basic needs. If their dad works such long hours, he can pay their mother more for their keep. Good luck being the fun house where no one can be bothered to do the drudgery of parenting when the teen years hit. Also, this is in no way a blended family, not when there is such a clear divide.

@Laurdo Yes because the kids need caring for. I don't understand how someone could sit back and watch the kids needs not be met. She needs to take it up with her DH but to not do it until the issue is sorted is cruel.

I would agree if it was once but she says this is a regular thing. I personally wouldn't be able to adhere to a routine whereby two children are regularly neglected. If their dad didn't do it I would rethink what kind of man he is. Not just refuse to do anything for them, allow their dad to neglect them, and allow it to continue like that.

Poor DH?! Jesus fucking Christ. The misogyny on here his appalling.

OP, there’s no way you’d be getting these same comments if you were a step dad rather than a step mum. You’d be a hero for even taking them to school, there’d be no comments about assuming you didn’t work, or that you know the kids need their uniforms washed but your wife doesn’t and you need to explain to her, there’d be no assumption you do all the laundry and make school lunches or expectation that you should do the decorating for their birthdays.

She parents her own children. Why is it unreasonable to expect him to do the same, especially if he wants them there all the time? It’s not her job by virtue of being a woman and a mother.

It really seems you think families are meant to be entirely the responsibility of the woman. OP is already doing alot for these kids. If their dad met her half way then they could call themselves a team.
OPs kids come first. To OP.

The misogyny from some posters on this thread is a fucking disgrace. Ugh.

He's hardly a team player is he? It's not teamwork when she's expected to do everything. Teamwork works both ways.

The OP is getting a pasting because she's the one posting. And she's the one actively refusing to do anything for her stepchildren, in order to make a point to her husband. Which is shit, frankly.

There's a balance between full on parenting of dsc and having nothing to do with them. No one is saying the OP should love them as much as her own dc, or be responsible for their education etc in the way a mother would be. But she does have dsc - that was a choice. And when those kids are in her house she does owe them some care. She was the responsible adult left in the house.
Using kids to make a point is just awful behaviour

@Backagain23 I believe it's a family effort and not simply "this is your job and this is mine". That's never going to work.

Mean 2 DSC!

Why can’t you do that for your step kids? I’m confused?

This is such a common scenario on MN.

Man: already has a bunch of kids, he's pretty useless at parenting them
Woman: let's have a child together!

...woman proceeds to complain about man being useless with kids.

Yes, and when one member of the team does fuck all, the other often goes on strike until it becomes more balanced. Which is what is happening here.

@Laurdo What do you suggest? He quits his job?

@aSofaNearYou And then the kids suffer for the sake of making a point. Will never agree with that, sorry.

Does the op not have a job as well? Or is she just the little wife?

No, that he learns to manage his time to incorporate making packed lunches and putting some washing in. For fuck’s sake. Women manage that around full time work.

Why is your bar so low for men?! 😆

Word

How will your kids feel if their dad/stepdad's kids are allowed to get away with things but they are not? I agree with your stance that you love the SDCs but aren't willing to be the cook, maid and taxi driver etc. because your DH "forgets" the boring bits. But in practical terms, how could that work with different rules for each set of kids?

I'd say stick to your guns, be open and honest about your feelings, be calm, and try to get ALL the adults to work out what is in the best interests of ALL the children.

Are we reading the same comments, because I've seen plenty of posters having a go at the dad.

On a human level, I couldn't not look after the step kids if I'm looking after my own, but then I also wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who seemingly isn't doing any parenting for any of the kids. If OP and her DH were to actually communicate, I'm pretty sure the mental load could actually get easier for her if he were to do his share, despite having two more kids in the house, then no child would have to go to school in dirty uniform, or miss out on activities because they are not the priority to one or more of their parents, step or otherwise.