Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

No, she shouldn't have sent them to school in dirty clothes and without lunch to make a point.

He shouldn't, you mean.

@ShineBright1209 thats terrible for the environment, and for the clothes. What are they doing everyday that their entire outfit gets so filthy it all has to be washed daily?

I had girls. They never went in a dirty uniform. Can't remember how often I washed. Shirts would have been clean every day. Skirts etc no idea. But definitely all clean on a Monday.

So he can't possibly make lunches the night before? Stop making excuses for this lazy man.

It's absolutely fine if you would do it in her situation. That's your choice. I do a lot for my DSD but that's my choice and something DH and I discussed before he went for his current job. It should never just be expected.

Making 2 extra pack lunches might only seem like a small thing but those small things add up and before she knows it she's expected to do absolutely everything and is just taken for granted by her partner.

Of course he should be doing it but also the kids staying with him and SM 50% of the time shouldn't even be a thought because nobody .wants to do basic care for the kids. I don't know why it's up for discussion the op knows her husband is useless and she doesn't want to do it all.

Why do you keep saying he forgets OP? He neglects to do these things. He cba to do these things. He doesn’t forget to do them.

Completely agree with this.

What age are the 4 kids

His 2

Your one

Your shared one

Seem to me you don't want it to happen , mum doesn't want it to happen - dad doesn't care either way or he would make an effort

Kids want it to happen but only as yours is the fun house

They need to start pulling their weight at yours and not make it the fun house but the normal every day to day house like at their mums

Kids don't get to say where they live if others don't agree

Did you not realise this was a possibility when you hit harried ? That they wanted to stay 50% ? You seem a bit cruel , who sends kids to school without clean clothes and lunch ? You should have remind them kids and helped and then have a go at your husband . Honestly as a step mum myself , you need to realise those kids are part of your family and while in your home should be shared care between you and your husband . By all means make your husband step up but don’t treat them bad because he doesn’t . Poor kids

@Laurdo I always thought families were meant to work as a team, not stamp their feet and say they won't do something because it's not their job. Kids come first.

I'd leave his laundry unwashed with the kids' dirty clothes - he might get the hint then.

Isn’t it harder to only parent your children and not his? I mean like saying “everyone at the table needs to eat their veg”, or “right everyone, it’s homework time”, or “come on kids, help me sort lights, whites, and darks laundry”, or “one of you unload dishwasher, other one loads it”

How do you get your own kids to eat their veg if the step kids get to leave the table without eating the boring bits?

All the kids in the house should be treated equally, there shouldn’t be a hierarchy. Likewise between you and your DH. You both have to do boring stuff and fun stuff.

She had no other option but to drop them off in unwashed uniform because dad hadn't washed them. Not her fault.

Because once you start doing it then it becomes YOUR JOB and it is then YOUR FAULT if things don't get done "why didn't they have lunch you made lunch for them last week?" "Why arnt the clothes clean you did it the last time I thought you were doing it this time?"etc etc

I don't blame her for taking a hard line and the kids clearly don't care because they want to live there

"they all have a full clean uniform everyday of the week for school. They never wear the same clothes twice without them being washed (even pjs)."

That's really wasteful, but the question was how would 'you' feel so a question to the OP who is from a different generation, which is why I pointed out clothes were not washed after one use when OP was young (in general of course).

God this will be a nightmare for you. 4 kids! So often men seem to marry again just so they can get an unpaid nanny for their kids.

Obviously they aren't particularly bothered if they want to move in.

How does dh learn if someone else picks up the slack??

Does he forgot the boring stuff with your children?

I can fully understand someone not wanting to take on somebody else’s 2 children but even I wouldn’t not wash a uniform / give kids lunch money just because you are basically making a point . You married a man with 2 children and do need to take a bit of responsibility for them , as does he for yours .

It’s not that their dad is a terrible dad, he will spend all day helping with their sports teams or practice with them. He is involved with their lives and interests, but forgets the boring stuff.

But he is a terrible dad because it’s the ‘boring bits’ that make children feel secure. You’re defending him when you need to face up to the fact that he’s shit.

I’m sure he could but has her child’s uniform not been washed over the weekend either? Wouldn’t you just do it all together?

@Backagain23 There could be many reasons for them wanting to move in, such as trying to get more attention from the adults involved, wanting validation from their dad and stepmum, wanting to feel a proper part of the family etc.

You know all the little things a mum does.

No, good dads do those things too.