Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

Why can’t HE do it for HIS kids? I’m confused.

How is he a good DF to shared DC?
Unless he ensures shared is fed/had clean clothes and balloons and if not why isn’t he doing the same for his DC?

I BET he is Disney dad to all his kids with OP doing the bulk of mental load, cleaning and washing but only has a boundary when it comes to DSC.

IMO many of these SP housework power battles aren’t because of the DSC per se, but because the unequal division of labour.

Happy SP seem to have a balance in the house so don’t see the SK as their sole burden as all work is shared.

No, but he can switch a washing machine on and get lunch ready the night before. My husband works too, he still helped with all the shit bits of life as well, not just parenting. Because why should the drudgery be on one partners shoulders always? You can divide jobs up as well if that is the most practical approach. What matters is that both partners share the burden and kids needs are met.

Whoever is at home more will naturally take on more family duties, whether that be man or woman.

I think that your DP should change his hours to be available for all of his children. They are his kids, and his responsibility. Just because he wants to swan off to a new family and work full time doesn't mean that he can just abandon his own children, or rent them once every ten days, it's pathetic. He has 3 children. If his work won't enable him to manage the amount of children he chose to have, he needs to change jobs.

And that you actually do need to step up a bit. You chose to be with a man who has children. If you are a household, you need to think about all of the children as part of that household. If you're making your own kids' food, make some for the step kids as well. If you're washing your kids' uniforms, wash the step kids' one too. Otherwise those children will not only be neglected, they will have to watch their step and half siblings enjoy not being neglected - real awful stuff, might as well stick them in the cupboard under the stairs so that they really get the message. This too is extremely bad: If my kids have something on that will always take priority. It's very damaging for children to grow up around that kind of favouritism.

You need to be honest with the kids' mother and say that unfortunately, DH is a complete failure as a father and so is unable to look after his own children. It won't come as a surprise to her, I'm sure. Then you need to tell the kids that the reason they can't move in is DH's work.

“whilst your sibling was pristine and had full lunch box.”

Again with the hyperbole. op’s dc may not be at school, or may be dropped at school by his/her dad on a Monday, and may have school lunch. Their half sibling will be younger, may be at nursery so no uniform etc.

it's not just misogyny. It's about intentionally leaving kids out when op falsely describes a blended family. She says she decorates the house for all the kids but not the stepkids, leaving them out.

OP says she has a child from a previous relationship. Would it be ok for her husband to take all the kids out for a treat apart from that one, because he's too busy with his bio children and OP could take them out separately? Give £1 for the ice cream van for all the kids apart from one? teach everyone to drive at 16 but not that one?

Well maybe not having more kids he has no time to parent would be the first thought (but too late for that) and then not taking on more care than he’s able to provide would be my second.

These aren't "little things that a mum does" - these are core tenets of parenting. Why are you letting him get away with doing fuck all?

@Naunet I agree with you 100% there.

What about the DH’s penis is stopping him washing clothes at the weekend and making a packed lunch (or supervising his kids to do so) on a Sunday night?

Does a penis prevent men from putting up decorations then?

Yes, but OP is refusing to be the only one making an effort, hence the thread.

@SheilaFentiman And what is it about OP that prevents her from doing the same for her stepchildren as she does for her own? There's no need to leave kids out and make them feel rejected and unwanted.

Me too tbh, I think this is just really mean actually. They are children at the end of the day, it’s not their fault their dad is pretty useless, you are still the adult, and also a parent- admittedly not their bio mum but still a stepmum, and by getting with a man with children you knew what you were signing up for. It makes it worse that you are mum as surely you should be horrified by the idea of sending children to school in dirty clothes with no lunch. I’m a step mum and either though my partner will do it if I’m busy/ working, I’m more than happy to wash a uniform with the washing im already doing. This is really poor, I agree you shouldn’t take the full responsibility of their childcare if they live with you full time, but Friday- Monday every other week and you can’t manage a uniform wash and a packed lunch… I’d be having a long hard think if I was you.

She runs the wash on a Thursday night and her kids aren't school aged yet, or have school dinners, so don't need a packed lunch.

QED, she does the same for her kids as she does for his ie no weekend wash and no packed lunch making.

EXACTLY!!!

Most parents (DM or DD) would check uniform on Fri and ensure it’s washed ready for Monday.

Then ensure packed lunch supplies on sat - popping shop if necessary then pack the lunch Sunday night so it’s ready.

Thats all dad had to do!
It’s not solely SM or DM task.

I couldn’t sit back and watch any child in my care go sch without lunch/ clean clothes BUT nor would I be with a man who watches his DC being treated this way.

Bar shouldn’t be that low

He gets his act together on a Sunday night. Makes packed lunches and makes sure the kids uniforms are washed. OP doesn't seem to have a problem with getting them up and ready and dropping them off but he should be getting everything organised the night before.

If he's not willing to cut his working hours then he shouldn't be agreeing to take on the kids more frequently.

We have my stepkids 50/50. I do the school run, drop off and pick up as I work from hom. This was something that was discussed and agreed in advance and I was happy to do. My DH leaves for work at 6:30am and is home around 3:30/4pm so he can spend the rest of the day with his kids. He'd never dream of taking on a job that meant he was hardly seeing them. He also takes time off if the kids are sick or have a doctor's appointment. Women are expected to find employment that works around their kids, why can't men?

It's funny how the stuff you do for your kids that the world doesn't see, like laundry and food and shopping etc, are "the little things that mums do". They are not little, they have to be done every single day on top of everything else and they are certainly not the fun part of being a parent. It's called parenting and it should be shared. Men are perfectly capable of doing it yet this phrase gives them a get out of jail free card as the are Dads and its not what they do.

Read my comment again. Slowly.

Yep, I'll never agree with you either. If one partner is left doing too much, this is an important thing to put a stop to. The kids will cope with minor set backs like a shirt they have already worn.

Nope , but is it fair that the dad and step mum can't be bothered to make an effort ? This isn't solely about the adults in the house there is children being left out and the op knows that, how can she think her husband is a great dad when he can't be arsed to fully look after his kids for 2 full days with half days tacked on . How can 2 adults think that's OK.

I don't get why everyone is having a go at the OP for not doing the work that needs to be done. I'm not a step parent but the problem is clearly the dad. The only thing that OP should be doing is raising awareness of how lacking his parenting skills are to both the children's actual parents and spelling out what she will not be doing....it's easy OP, just message your messages to the SC parents. If they then agree that this is how they are happy for their children to be raised, I would be very surprised. Shame your 'D'H, he needs it.

Yeah, I don't get how people think the uniform problem was going to be solved at that point. If they only have one set, their father needed to do the mental work of either ensuring it was washed over the weekend or perhaps (cost dependent) getting a spare set. As he'd failed to do that, the only uniform available was dirty.

There's no guarantee a wash would even have been done over the weekend otherwise, even with another school aged DC in the house. Mine have multiple sets and would always go in clean on a Monday, but what they're wearing might have been washed before the preceding Friday evening.

Well I think you're pretty awful (OP) for neglecting children like this

But also, why do you want to be with someone, or choose to have children with someone, who parents their own children like this? Why is your bar so low?

And if I was the mother of these children, there's no way I'd let them live with a father and step-mother (because you have to take some responsibility for this) if I knew this is how my children were being cared for.