Page 13 | Step kids want to live with us full time.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 2023-08-22T01:30:32+00:00

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together. Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them. I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them. Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me. The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

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Lastchancechica · 22/08/2023 10:31

What a deadbeat Dad

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 10:31

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2023 10:17

"How would you feel as a child if you had been dropped off in dirty clothes with no lunch."

Oh come on, we didn't have clean uniform every day in the 80s and 90s. I also forgot my dinner money a few times.

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My kids always had clean clothes on a Monday.

Evieanne · 22/08/2023 10:32

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 10:30

man’s you still haven’t answered how you would feel if he treated your eldest the way you treat his two?

He DOES treat her eldest like she treats his two.

she is uninvolved with the children in terms of parenting because he does fuck all for her child

purplebluediscorain · 22/08/2023 10:32

@GrannyGoggins literally same I’d be out on my ear if I treated his son like that.

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 10:32

bobisbored · 22/08/2023 10:27

I haven't read all of the posts but you really don't sound like the sort of woman who should be in a relationship with a man who already has children. When you take that on, you take on part of the parenting responsibilities. I would never send my step children to school in dirty clothes or with no lunch.

If you read OPs posts, she already has taken on "part" of the parenting responsibilities.
Cooks for them but doesn't negotiate veg consumption.
Makes sure they get to their clubs but doesn't stay to watch.
Etc etc.
She very understandably doesn't want to take on all of the parenting.

Wheresthebeach · 22/08/2023 10:33

I can't quite believe the blatant sexism on this thread. The Father should be washing and feeding his kids. Why he gets a pass, and the SM gets a roasting is beyond me, and deeply depressing.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 10:33

@Backagain23 If he was working long hours and I was available then I would consider it my responsibility as that is the arrangement. How could he make a lunch while he's at work?

I also wouldn't want to be with DH if he refused to do anything for my children simply because they aren't his. That's not how families work.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 10:33

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/08/2023 10:29

No wonder men do fuck all work around the house and for their own kids what with the free passes they get from women keen to blame other women rather than the almighty may-un.

I blame both.

SadAndMushyAndComplicated · 22/08/2023 10:33

DrMarshaFieldstone · 22/08/2023 09:24

YANBU and being honest now will save a lot of heartache in the future.

However, YABU for describing yourself as a ‘blended family’ that ‘works well’. You aren’t a blended family and the literal substance of your thread is about how you do not want to be one. I am sick of hearing the phrase mis-used to describe every co-parenting arrangement.

YES. It’s not a blended family. It’s a Venn diagram.

Lastchancechica · 22/08/2023 10:33

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 10:32

If you read OPs posts, she already has taken on "part" of the parenting responsibilities.
Cooks for them but doesn't negotiate veg consumption.
Makes sure they get to their clubs but doesn't stay to watch.
Etc etc.
She very understandably doesn't want to take on all of the parenting.

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Yes! So they should stay with their mother. Someone prepared to parent them properly.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2023 10:34

"My kids always had clean clothes on a Monday."

Yes, but not necessarily on the Wednesday or a Thursday, right? It was just because it was easier to do the washing on the weekend.

Mrsjayy · 22/08/2023 10:34

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 10:32

If you read OPs posts, she already has taken on "part" of the parenting responsibilities.
Cooks for them but doesn't negotiate veg consumption.
Makes sure they get to their clubs but doesn't stay to watch.
Etc etc.
She very understandably doesn't want to take on all of the parenting.

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Drops them to school in dirty clothes to prove a point that kind of thing!

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 10:35

SadAndMushyAndComplicated · 22/08/2023 10:33

YES. It’s not a blended family. It’s a Venn diagram.

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Excellent description.

With the father firmly outside it

Poudretteite · 22/08/2023 10:35

Goldbar · 22/08/2023 10:16

🙄. Yes, I suppose his penis must get in the way of hanging up balloons, so he's entirely dependent on the OP to decorate for his children's birthdays.

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She already does it for her own kids. The husband should take on the parenting but that doesn't mean OP gets to neglect his kids/act totally uncaring toward them by leaving them out of things she does for everyone else.

DH should take on the practicalities of looking after children during his time. But equally, if you can't manage to treat all children equally, you don't get into a relationship with someone who already has kids. You don't continually passively allow certain kids to be neglected and shrug because 'not my problem.'

Lastchancechica · 22/08/2023 10:36

On what basis did you think this deadbeat was a good option to have more children with? If he can’t even manage the two he has? Keeping them clean and fed is the most basic provision of parenting.

What happens when he leaves you for the next muggins willing to take on his shit, and the new step mum thinks YOuR kids needs are too much trouble??

I despair at all of this, poor kids!!!!

Laurdo · 22/08/2023 10:37

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/08/2023 10:29

No wonder men do fuck all work around the house and for their own kids what with the free passes they get from women keen to blame other women rather than the almighty may-un.

Yup. Can you imagine if OP was a stepdad saying his wife doesn't organise her kids uniforms etc for school, then leaves for work and expects him to sort it? Mum would be getting all the backlash and stepdad would be patted on the back for dropping the kids off at school.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/08/2023 10:37

just tell them you don’t want them full time and that be the end of it. No matter how the dad is I’m surprised he’s even still with you. If you can’t even wash some clothes or feed them.

Her domestic servitude to the almighty may-un is found lacking!

i drive my partners child around at every chance I get even with my child because it bonds us all. You just sound uninterested selfish and cruel.

Are you for real?

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 10:38

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 10:33

@Backagain23 If he was working long hours and I was available then I would consider it my responsibility as that is the arrangement. How could he make a lunch while he's at work?

I also wouldn't want to be with DH if he refused to do anything for my children simply because they aren't his. That's not how families work.

It's not the arrangement.
OP is busy sorting out herself and her own kids and her DH takes the decision unilaterally to just fuck off without a care in the world and leave them all to it.
The wide eyed "how could he make lunch if he's at work" doesn't wash either.
If OP is taking on getting his children to school on a Monday, least he could do is make sure their uniforms are ready and a sandwich in the fridge ready to grab.
Or was his great big Y chromosome stopping him?

ShineBright1209 · 22/08/2023 10:39

Gwenhwyfar · 22/08/2023 10:34

"My kids always had clean clothes on a Monday."

Yes, but not necessarily on the Wednesday or a Thursday, right? It was just because it was easier to do the washing on the weekend.

To be fair it’s not really that hard to make sure kids have clean clothes, I’m a single mum of 4 and they all have a full clean uniform everyday of the week for school. They never wear the same clothes twice without them being washed (even pjs). It takes 2 minutes to put the washing on.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/08/2023 10:39

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/08/2023 10:05

So you all agree it’s not fair to the kids. But I can’t and won’t do anything. So I either refuse to have the kids here more, or the kids end up not being properly cared for.
With the dirty clothes, this happens every time. The lunch and just being left at school early has only happened a couple of times.
It’s not that their dad is a terrible dad, he will spend all day helping with their sports teams or practice with them. He is involved with their lives and interests, but forgets the boring stuff.

I work and also put a lot of time into my kids, I do all the sport, running around, and it’s the little things like spend time making sure they are on top of their homework, they have everything they need ready, read to them, decorate the house when it’s their birthday. You know all the little things a mum does. I can’t do that for my step kids. And that is what worries me.

being incapable of doing his own children’s laundry?

he either doesn’t want to, which would make him a pretty terrible father.

or he can’t / is genuinely incapable, which would come with its own set of issues.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/08/2023 10:39

Yup. Can you imagine if OP was a stepdad saying his wife doesn't organise her kids uniforms etc for school, then leaves for work and expects him to sort it? Mum would be getting all the backlash and stepdad would be patted on the back for dropping the kids off at school.

He'd probably be getting offers of free BJ's.

CurlewKate · 22/08/2023 10:40

It is very odd the way people can't hold two thoughts in their heads at the same time.
Yes, he is a shit parent, should look after his kids and the OP should under no circumstances agree to having them in the house full time in the current circumstances.

No, she shouldn't have sent them to school in dirty clothes and without lunch to make a point.

It's not difficult.

Theunamedcat · 22/08/2023 10:41

ShineBright1209 · 22/08/2023 10:39

To be fair it’s not really that hard to make sure kids have clean clothes, I’m a single mum of 4 and they all have a full clean uniform everyday of the week for school. They never wear the same clothes twice without them being washed (even pjs). It takes 2 minutes to put the washing on.

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Two minutes? I'm sure the dad can cope with that

X6hfyib4ms · 22/08/2023 10:41

I actually feel quite sick reading this.

These poor kids go to school in dirty uniform as no one can be bothered to ensure they have clean stuff to wear.

How desperately sad and depressing.

I don't want to be a step parent either but then I deliberately decided not to date men who had kids already.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 10:41

@Backagain23 I agree, he could wash uniform and make lunch but my point is, if that hasn't been done, then why not just do it when doing all the kids lunch? I can't even imagine how these kids must feel, which should be the main priority here.