Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

So your husband doesnt parent your child?

All the adults need to make a decision that is in the best interests of the DC. The DC don’t get to decide

Based on what you have said the arrangement shouldn’t change. Your DH needs to step up and actually do sone parenting while the DC are with you. I’d ask him to write a list of what needs to happen during the contact time with his DC to ensure that they are well cared for. If the list doesn’t refer to clean clothes and proper meals I wouldn’t even contemplate any change. If he can come up with a decent list I’d agree for a trial of 6 months where he actually does the things on the list while they are with you. Only if he shows that he can do that, would I consider increasing contact. And I would only increase it if he is able to pick up the slack with his DC.
Overall I think @Yea2023 has it right. He is a neglectful parent and the DC deserve better. I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time OP.

It's your home and no one can live in it without your say so.

I'd pray my DP would actually be a good dad to them if we split, not that his girlfriend would step in if he wasn't.

The children are better off at their mums sadly she will do all.the basics whilst their dad and you can do the fun stuff and be a hoot!

Sorry you're getting such a hard time, OP.
I think you sound like a nice SM who is trying to get the balance right between not stepping on parental toes or becoming a martyr and also still doing quite a bit to support your DH and his kids.
If the kids mum was paying maintenance and you got the CB, would this fund a drop in hours for your DH?
At the end of the day, I don't think you get to choose whether your DHs kids live with him. That's between his kids and their parents. You absolutely get to choose how much extra work you're willing to take on, and how much of an impact you will allow on your own children's routines to accommodate this.

She knows that already that's why she calls him a disney dad.

Then there is no way I would agree to having them. How can he say it’ll all work out when he can’t even send them to school every other Monday in clear clothes and with lunch!?

How old are they and do you work less than your DP? I don’t think you should have to do any parenting here btw, but just wondering about the household set up as clearly he does think this!

She knows that already that's why she calls him a disney dad.

Yes, what's that got to do with your comment about praying your kids don't end up with a SM like OP?

The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am a very selfish person
Then you should never have married a man with children. That ship has sailed so change quickly and parent all the children of the family equally.

He parents our shared child, he does spend time with my child but all the parenting and running around is up to me.
He does a lot, but forgets the boring bits.

We have spoken about this, but it’s not really been a problem because the s kids are only here on the weekend. If they were here all the time it would be like lord of the flies.

The issue is that the only people one doing any serious parenting is the sc’s mother, which is why they want to move out to Disney house, where they don’t need to eat vegetables, do homework, chores and learn to sleep well - do laundry.

You have to support their development and well being by saying no. The mother must be supported and consulted instead of undermined and disempowered.

This is not going to work - the dc can not be left to run wild and feral, whilst your dh continues being a non existent Disney Dad. Be firm, say no.

*The only person doing

When you choose to get into a relationship with a man who has children, you choose to take on some form of a parenting role. It's part of the deal.

If you don't want that and don't want to do anything for anyone else's children, then have a relationship with someone who has no children.

In my view, considering the children were in OPs care in the morning, it was her responsibility to sort out the school lunch. The dad could have done some washing over the weekend if he wasn't at work but likewise, OP could have put some washing in. It takes 2 minutes.

Not decorating the house for a child you should loves birthday those poor children. Your poor dh did he know this before he married you?

@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I understand your position, but the only person who can make both parents aware of how this is unfair this change will be to the children because of their dads shortcomings is you. That is very much your responsibility.

“So realistically DH, you’ve never had time to wash their clothes, make them lunch, read to them, check their homework or organise birthday parties… so I guess that means their mum will be round here a lot as well? Maybe every day?”

🙄. Yes, I suppose his penis must get in the way of hanging up balloons, so he's entirely dependent on the OP to decorate for his children's birthdays.

Also your DH doesn't 'forget' the boring bits. He just doesn't want to do them.

Very good point

You absolutely say no.
You can’t take on 4 kids full time.
It WILL fall to you.

I feel sorry for their mother, I think you should support her and keep them at home, and the arrangement as it is. It sounds like they are playing you off against each other. They don’t get to choose, Disney house with no rules will always win, but what is BEST for them is a stable home life with boundaries, washed clothes and someone that puts in the mileage.

"How would you feel as a child if you had been dropped off in dirty clothes with no lunch."

Oh come on, we didn't have clean uniform every day in the 80s and 90s. I also forgot my dinner money a few times.

You won’t decorate the house to celebrate their birthday? Seriously ? How nasty is that?

You need to stop posting because it makes you sound worse every time.

man’s you still haven’t answered how you would feel if he treated your eldest the way you treat his two?

Honestly can't win on Mumsnet. There's multiple posts from SMs who've been left doing all the washing and cooking etc for their stepkids while the dad does the bare minimum and the advice is usually, "stop doing everything for his kids" "he needs to step up and parent his own kids". Then you have a SM on the brink of being landed with 2 stepkids to look after full-time while their dad goes to work as normal and is the fun parent at the weekend. A dad who isn't capable of washing his kids clothes or getting them organised for school. The stepmum refuses to be taken advantage of or be treated like a maid and now that makes her an evil stepmum? Why should the step parent care about the kids more than the bio parent?

She shouldn't have gotten with a man with kids? Maybe he shouldn't have had kids if he can't look after them!

Yes, it's a shame for these kids but that's on their dad not OP.

Unwashed clothes, dirty underwear, no lunch, zero basic parenting is NEGLECT.