Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

OP you still haven’t said how old the children are?? unless i’ve missed that?

I think they should stay with Mum, who cares for them and washes their clothes. Dad doesn't do it because he's at work too much and SMum doesn't do it because she doesn't want to. Poor kids.

My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

From OP's OP.

You made them attend school in dirty clothes for a one up on your husband.
Seems the kids mother could learn a thing or 2 about you first...

If true, then this is awful. Really can't understand why they would want to move in fulltime.

The OP has said her DH does pay for them to have lunch at school on Mondays. They aren't rocking up to the canteen begging for food.

Whatever has been going on, someone needs to be the adult and raise the issues of why this won't work. I don't think @ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just saying they have said they will go along with whatever but don't want to have any responsibility is spelling it out clearly enough to either parent what is going on. Does the mum even know about the dads shortcomings and it doesn't seem like the Dad has a clue what is expected.

Gosh poor kids. A dad who can't be bothered with them and a step mum who doesn't want to bother with them. Why did you have a child and start a life with someone who doesn't even parent his own 2 children and who's children you would rather send to school in dirty uniform unfed?.
Sounds like you need to both get your acts together. You chose a man who had a family, therefore you take on his family. If that involves nagging your husband to do more then so be it, but even if he refuses they're still a responsibility for you. Pick someone without kids if you don't want them.

You’re not a blended family working well together. You have your children he has his. Imagine if he were looking after all of the children for a weekend and prioritised only his biological children, meaning it was his step child ie YOUR child that went to school without clean uniform or lunch but his did, because he had enough to do with his 3 children; how would you feel then?

Of course it wouldn’t have been too much for the OP to bung the uniforms in the wash, but that’s not the point, if it is already being assumed (without asking) that she doubles up her parenting role over something as simple to organise as clean school uniform then the expectations will increase as her non parenting partner defaults more and more of the parenting roles to her, and most of them will need a lot more effort than a couple of clean uniforms.

I can't get over the tone here. You're mentioning the dirty clothes, lack of lunch, lack of care and general disparity between the children - which ISN'T your responsibility but you make out that it's business as usual, this is how it is every time, and you take no steps to enforce a change (insisting he gets it done, bringing it up to your husband) and are happy for these kids to continue to be treated poorly in comparison to your own. I wouldn't be able to stay in a situation like that or with a man who was happy to neglect his kids.

You're taking your frustration with your lazy husband out on two innocent kids with petty things like continually sending them to school in dirty clothes, rather than addressing the fact that he needs to be a parent.

You and he both sound like nasty pieces of work tbh and the kids would definitely be better off with their mum.

It doesn’t matter he has a responsibility as a parent. And if they’re older it really doesn’t matter. Why is he working longer hours? Is OP totally financially supporting the child that isn’t his? Paying 5/8 of living expenses? If as a couple you’ve made the decision that one partner works more hours and one works less and does more childcare then it’s unreasonable to say that you’re then not going to do anything for the step children. OPs child is allowed to live there full time but ss aren’t allowed. I can see that multiple lifts etc would be refused but bit pathetic to refuse to wash 2 out of 4 kids uniforms. That’s not a partnership

Did you not read the op where she said she left took them to school to go to the before school care and no lunch money so the dad was billed!

Just pray you don't split up with him and your own child has a stepmother like you.

No, their parent didn’t get his act together for two days to plan ahead and make sure the uniforms were clean.

Why get with a man with kids if you are not prepared to treat them as your own when they are with you? You chose this situation. Bet you wouldn't tolerate him treating your eldest like that.

I very much doubt the Mum knew her DC had dirty uniform or no packed lunch.

Those poor kids. You're not a "blended" family, at all. What a crap show.

You sound horrible OP. That’s all.

Quite. I don't know why people bother.

This

Right, but from what it sounds like she hasn't given him an ultimatum or even discussed this with him and she's happy continuing to treat the kids as inferior when they're around. It's not OP's responsibility but she's happy to go along with her husband's neglect, even purposely leaving them out of things she's doing anyway like packed lunches, when they are staying. They're both toxic.

I agree. You've created a bit of a Disney household that the kids idealise. It's not a good idea and not fair on anyone.

You also have a massive DH issue to sort on the parenting front.

My DH did everything for the kids (we had them every weekend), washing, cooking etc until we were properly living together and then we shared as you do. Even then, he was in charge of uniform, homework etc. He never expected me to do it, but if asked I would always help out. You house sounds very separated.

No, THEIR DAD made them attend school in dirty clothes.

Or possibly they themselves if they are teens and old enough to use a washing machine.

So you all agree it’s not fair to the kids. But I can’t and won’t do anything. So I either refuse to have the kids here more, or the kids end up not being properly cared for.
With the dirty clothes, this happens every time. The lunch and just being left at school early has only happened a couple of times.
It’s not that their dad is a terrible dad, he will spend all day helping with their sports teams or practice with them. He is involved with their lives and interests, but forgets the boring stuff.

I work and also put a lot of time into my kids, I do all the sport, running around, and it’s the little things like spend time making sure they are on top of their homework, they have everything they need ready, read to them, decorate the house when it’s their birthday. You know all the little things a mum does. I can’t do that for my step kids. And that is what worries me.