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Original poster

Step kids want to live with us full time.

1000 replies

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/08/2023 02:30

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

OP posts:
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Strictly1 · 22/08/2023 09:20

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 09:15

@Strictly1 That's all just your opinion. You've decided that the only thing that matters is that the kids are cared for with no hiccups, and therefore an adult refusing to be made to adopt a child they did not agree to adopt is "point scoring". It isn't. It is an absolutely enormous thing to have thrust upon you when you haven't agreed to it. It's ridiculous that people are writing that off as of it's a small thing and therefore pettiness is the only reason not to do it, rather than the genuine avoidance of a life altering task that you aren't willing to undertake.

It is a choice. When you choose to be with a man who already has children, you are making an informed choice. If you do not wish to have anything to do with raising someone else’s children, choose someone without children. You are an adult and have choices, the children do not.
Yes - I will always prioritise the well-being of children over adults who do not like the situation they chose to be in.

LadyBird1973 · 22/08/2023 09:20

It's not martyrdom to make sure kids in your home go to school with clean clothes and food! That's basic really.
No, they're not yet kids and yes she should absolutely tear her husband a new one for being so shit, but she is complicit in the poor treatment of her stepchildren here. Not least because she's passively letting this new situation unfold knowing her h is useless.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/08/2023 09:22

Strictly1 · 22/08/2023 09:20

It is a choice. When you choose to be with a man who already has children, you are making an informed choice. If you do not wish to have anything to do with raising someone else’s children, choose someone without children. You are an adult and have choices, the children do not.
Yes - I will always prioritise the well-being of children over adults who do not like the situation they chose to be in.

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👏

Indi1906 · 22/08/2023 09:22

’Blended family’

3 nights/2 days in 14…with the stepmother taking no role in parenting? Not even to make sure the children are clean & fed?! Real shitty behaviour and to describe this as a blended family?! Are you for real!

toomuchlaundry · 22/08/2023 09:23

@aSofaNearYou but it’s not fine if you are the child caught up in this. As I posted earlier I couldn’t imagine being a child going to school with dirty uniform and no lunch through no fault of your own whilst your sibling was pristine and had full lunch box. I also wouldn’t want to be an adult putting the child in this position and knowing school would be noting the shit parenting that was happening

4andnotcounting · 22/08/2023 09:23

ZooMount · 22/08/2023 06:09

The problem with relationships like this is you'd rather punish the kids than have an actual honest and frank conversation with your partner.

💯 this ☝️

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 22/08/2023 09:23

The thing is, when you take on a man with children, you take on the whole package.

Yea2023 · 22/08/2023 09:23

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/08/2023 09:18

Not the fruit of your loins, not your problem, OP. I can't believe the martyrs on here.

Are you saying that ppl in the house should only do things based on biological tie?

That DH/DW shouldn’t do anything for each other because they don’t have those ties?

If so, what’s the point of even living together?

DrMarshaFieldstone · 22/08/2023 09:24

YANBU and being honest now will save a lot of heartache in the future.

However, YABU for describing yourself as a ‘blended family’ that ‘works well’. You aren’t a blended family and the literal substance of your thread is about how you do not want to be one. I am sick of hearing the phrase mis-used to describe every co-parenting arrangement.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 09:25

@Strictly1 No, there is a third option, one which many of us have taken, which no amount of people like yourself saying "do this, do that" will erase from existence. And that is - marry someone with kids, but make it very clear that they will need to be the parent to them and you won't be doing it for them. I wouldn't be complaining about the life "I chose" because I didn't choose it, I have always been very clear about that. My DP chose to be with me despite that. It sounds like it's very similar in OPs case, only he's trying his luck.

LifesIsABeach · 22/08/2023 09:25

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 22/08/2023 09:23

The thing is, when you take on a man with children, you take on the whole package.

no, it really doesn’t work like that if you don’t want too.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 09:26

toomuchlaundry · 22/08/2023 09:23

@aSofaNearYou but it’s not fine if you are the child caught up in this. As I posted earlier I couldn’t imagine being a child going to school with dirty uniform and no lunch through no fault of your own whilst your sibling was pristine and had full lunch box. I also wouldn’t want to be an adult putting the child in this position and knowing school would be noting the shit parenting that was happening

I wouldn't be the one putting them in that position, their father would. If he doesn't want there to be disparity, he would need to put in the effort to match my good parenting for his own kids.

minipie · 22/08/2023 09:26

I couldn’t imagine being a child going to school with dirty uniform and no lunch through no fault of your own whilst your sibling was pristine and had full lunch box

This

Also as a PP said - does your DH also refuse to do anything for or pay for anything for the child that is not his? As that is the logical corollary of your approach to his kids.

BungleandGeorge · 22/08/2023 09:28

Lonicerax · 22/08/2023 06:01

The kids don’t get to decide.
And letting the nonresident parent, which the DM will become, decide is ludicrous and more so if you have no say.

Why not? The dad really has a responsibility to have them 50% of the time, it’s not unreasonable for him to be expected to do so. They’re talking about 50:50 arrangement.

personally I think they want to live with you because at the moment it’s all fun at your house and the reality of being there during the school week and having to pitch in will be a bit different. How old are they? Makes quite a difference in terms of how much potential extra work for you

Rachie1973 · 22/08/2023 09:28

Wenfy · 22/08/2023 06:10

This is neglect and if you will lose your kids too if they live with you f/t and the school reports to social services - regardless of how you much you spell out that you aren’t involved.

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Oh ffs don’t throw this in. It’s not nice, in fact it’s rank to send them like this but SS won’t be swooping in over this.

Go check out the threshold needed to remove a child.

Riv · 22/08/2023 09:31

I’m wondering about this washing thing. Why does everyone think it’s “just” a case of popping the uniforms in with the rest of the wash between Friday night and Monday morning?

We do the family washing during the week to make sure it’s dry (no tumble dryer) and the weekends are clear of housework so we can spend time together (or taxiing around children’s clubs, play dates, parties etc)
Washing is just not on my radar over the weekend, I know clean everything is ready for Monday by Friday morning. Friday’s uniform and dirty clothes are in the washing basket and will go in overnight on Monday when we’re all back from school / work. Both of us are working full time during the week. A little housework is done each evening so no big effort.

Maybe the op’s home routine is like that too- so a special effort needs to be made to put the washer on for the uniform on the Friday night (and hope it will dry) maybe that is for the dad to remember.

Pumpkindoodles · 22/08/2023 09:31

I think you need to be supportive of their mum
they want to be with you and dh because you don’t parent
But they’re lovely kids because their mum does put that work in, But obviously they’d rather be at the fun house. I think you need to explain as the adults that they need someone to do the role their mum is currently doing, and tell them what an amazing job she’s doing
it must be rubbish for her that she’s the only one doing that vital labour whilst you guys get to be the fun favourite ones and now her kids want to move out and see her less

id be really repulsed by a dh who allowed his Dc to go to school in dirty uniform with no lunch

toomuchlaundry · 22/08/2023 09:32

@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh if you were ill one weekend and your DH actually stepped up to the plate and did some parenting, would you be happy if your step kids went to school in clean uniform and paid for lunch/club but your DH didn’t bother to do anything with your DC (his step child) and so they were the one turning up dirty and with no lunch sorted

BodegaSushi · 22/08/2023 09:32

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 08:52

Or is it DH’s job to do Saturday laundry and he just didn’t do it?

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From OP’s post at 5:19

They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday.

This isn’t just a one-off, so definitely don’t think there’s an arrangement in place.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2023 09:34

RenoDakota · 22/08/2023 07:51

Christ, those poor children. Being sent to school in dirty uniforms without lunch. Am wondering why the hell they want to live with you.

Because it's the 'Fun House'

That's why. Presumably more rules and boundaries at Mum's.

toomuchlaundry · 22/08/2023 09:35

@riv would you have that routine of 2 DC were only at your house at the weekend? Surely something would have to be tweaked as not fair to put all washing responsibility on the mum. Not saying OP should be doing it but there should be a system in place that covers the step kids laundry

Cordeliathecat · 22/08/2023 09:36

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/08/2023 07:48

Sorry I haven’t explained the situation very well. The kids are cared for. When I say I don’t parent them it means I don’t make sure the washing is done, I assume their dad has organised care in the morning when we both have to work and I have already got 2 kids to get ready. I feed them but don’t argue about eating vegetables. I reminded them to do their homework and help if asked but I don’t make sure they do it. I pick them up on a Friday after school when they are here. I sometimes take them places they need to go like sport, but I don’t always stay and watch. If my kids have something on that will always take priority.

I don’t do all the things I do for my kids because I just don’t have time. If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform. They will miss out on their activities because my kids have something on or because I don’t want to drag my youngest out yet again. Despite their dads good intentions it will all get left to me and I won’t do it and they aren’t listening to me.

Their dad isn’t useless, but definitely a Disney dad. He does a lot with them, but the little one important stuff gets missed.

Put this on the group message chat with your DH and his ex. You’ll soon have your wish. No mother in their right mind would want their child living with you.

minipie · 22/08/2023 09:36

Because it's the 'Fun House'. That's why. Presumably more rules and boundaries at Mum's.

Yep, this is kind of a self created problem.

Honeychickpea · 22/08/2023 09:36

Wenfy · 22/08/2023 06:10

This is neglect and if you will lose your kids too if they live with you f/t and the school reports to social services - regardless of how you much you spell out that you aren’t involved.

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If people list their kids over a dirty uniform and one missed packed lunch half the kids in the UK would be in care.

Weddingpuzzle · 22/08/2023 09:36

DS1 experienced this with his Dad and Step Mum - they have 2 DC together (DS is the eldest by a good 10 years). They just opted out of parenting him, luckily I made it my mission to parent him as fiercely as I could and always be the person to show up for him - he does not see them or have any respect for them now he is 20 and they moan about him not having a relationship with his siblings whilst simultaneously 'forgetting' his birthday.

It's up to you OP but long term I am not sure this 'hands off' strategy that you and your husband are taking is going to work out well long term - particularly for your joint DC. If I was these DC's Mum and hearing they are being sent to school dirty and hungry I'd be doubling down on my parenting and saying if you can't do the fundamentals of parenting you are not meeting their emotional needs and reducing the time they are with you, not increasing it. Adults need to show up for their young - it's pretty basic stuff....

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